Please talk some sense in to me

[luckysocks]

DS's birth was not good. I thought I was over it but as soon as it sank in that I was really pregnant and would have to do it again, turns out I'm not.

Spent the first couple of months emotional, bad dreams, crying and shaking every time I had to speak to someone about it. Thought I was just being hormonal and over-reacting.

Was referred to consultant, senior registrar was fantastic and put a schedule in place, including seeing a senior midwife to create a birth plan and follow-up appts before the birth. Dreams stopped, have been doing a natal hypnotherapy pregnancy CD, and have generally been feeling quite positive about it over the last few weeks.

At the last appt, we saw the senior midwife, we know her from classes last time around and I felt stronger as soon as I saw her. She was fantastic as well, we discussed different options, had a look around the maternity unit and she said she would write up a birth plan which we could email back and forth until I was happy with it and which would go into my notes. She'd do it that night if she could. It turned out that the registrar we saw has been transferred so we saw the consultant instead, but I didn't really want to go through it all for a fourth time and we were really pleased with the outcome from the meeting with the mw, so it was very brief.

A week later, no plan, I text the senior mw to check whether she needs my email again (informal friendly text, as above we have some background from a couple of years ago), she apologised for delay, said she would do it the following day.

Still nothing. My rational brain KNOWS that it's still only been a couple of weeks now, that a birth plan for what should hopefully be a straightforward birth in 5 months time is NOT a pressing priority. But I'm in freefall again, hardly slept last night because I couldn't breathe, when I did sleep it was disturbed by awful birth dreams, today I'm knackered (not helping) and my whole head throbs from trying not to dissolve in front of DS.

Do you think I should contact her again or just wait it out? Is there anything else you would do in this situation? If she'd said at the time that it might take her a few weeks to get the plan to me, there wouldn't be a problem - I think loss of control was a big part of it last time and even the smallest thing seems to trigger panic which is completely out of proportion.

Thanks for reading.

Sounds like you had a terrible time last time and are understandably very distressed about what could happen this time. Can you give the senior midwife doing the plan a call and just explain along the lines of ' I know you're really busy and my plan may not be a priority but just to update you I'm having trouble sleeping/getting very stressed etc and having the plan would really help me to be less worried about it - would there be an opportunity to do the plan this week/next week etc'

Its difficult to know what to suggest without knowing what went wrong the firsst time but if the birth is causing you such stress - would you consider an elective c-section whereby its more planned/managed and you can rule out some of the eventualities that may be concerning you? Bearing in mind the anxiety this is causing you is it worth considering (I speak as someone who was booked for a c section - ended up having an emergency one anyway as DTS came 6 weeks early) - knowing that I was having the c section took away a lot of anxiety for me about the birth. Its just a thought I obv wouldn't foist it on anyone!

Have you thought about contacting her to say exactly what you've said here -that after last time you find lack of control induces panic and, whilst of course you understand it may take a little while, if she could give you a timescale, e.g. three weeks' time, that would really help?

Sorry you had such a bad time first time. My first was pretty nasty too (though not as bad as you by the sounds of things) and dd2 was fab! Hope the same happens to you.

Thanks for your replies.

givemeaclue I'm not really sure why I'm not requesting a c-section. It would presumably get rid of a lot of the worry about the birth and also the worry about how we'll co-ordinate childcare for DS when I go into labour. I think my main reservations are probably fear of the unknown (there's a reasonable chance that this birth really should be better than last time - DS's birth should have been very straightforward had various issues not been so badly managed) and my worry about recovery time, particularly with a boisterous toddler. And, if I'm honest, I think I may want to prove something to myself or experience it properly this time or something along those lines.

I do keep wondering if I'm crazy not to go with this option and I'm definitely still open-minded about this. This is part of what's niggling me today, actually - the consultant whose appt we rushed through was male and obviously wanted to find a solution for us... he wondered if we wanted to talk to the anaesthetist beforehand and I think he'd be quite helpful if we wanted a CS. But I'd felt really comfortable with the plan we'd made with the mw and was pretty drained and mostly just wanted to go home at that point so don't feel that I made the most of exploring that side of things.

My posts are so long, sorry.

NewYearsRevolution I guess that your experience is really what I'm hoping for. How did you feel before DD2's birth? I think if I haven't heard anything by the start of next week I'll be brave and do what you've suggested (I just feel like a bit of a muppet, tbh)

You aren't a muppet! TBH I was shit scared when I was first pregnant (not made any better by having a miscarriage in between the two babies). We made the decision to hire a doula and it was amazing. She did a couple of sessions with both of us about de-briefing what happened, working through my fears, thinking about coping strategies.

It doesn't have to be a doula, but I think that sort of preparation is invaluable if you had a bad time first time? Did you see that woman on One Born Every Minute a few weeks ago? She hadn't dealt with a tough first birth and all the fear came flooding back. I think what you are doing with the midwife sounds great. You might also want to think about having a read on birth trauma or speaking to one of the helplines. There is a book I read some bits of. Err. Can't remember what it's called. Someone on here would know.

Without going into masses of detail, it seems I have very long, intense latent stages. With DD1 this led to a spiral of intervention - internals left me demoralised at no progress, ARM stopped my contractions, syntocinon and epidural led to instrumental delivery. Horrid staff didn't believe I was in 'real' pain. Whole thing was about 60 hours. Second time round was very similar to start with and I think I'd have totally melted down if I hadn't done the prep. But I got in the pool (at home), DD2 was born almost immediately and it was about 10 hours. Last stages and pushing didn't even hurt at all - so the mean midwives first time were maybe just ignoring the fact that not everyone struggles with the same bits! I'd do labour no. 2 again any day - although it was bloody painful it made me feel invincible!

It may be than a planned section is the right decision for you and your family. Equally, for me, I found a positive birth experience with dd2 was very healing for me.

Can you give her a call and speak to her. It sounds like she has just been really busy and forgot to do it, or has pushed it to the back of her work pile.

Tell her that you know she is busy but if you have a general time scale that it would help you a lot.

I think there is a thread on MN for those recovering from birth trauma - might be good to speak to others who have gone through the same.

I would also have a chat with the consultant about a CS. You can say that it will be a "last resort" option but you want to talk it through so that you can work out how you feel.

fwiw, I had a fantastic first birth, then a terrible birth experience with my second child and would hate to fall pregnant again (we did not want antoher child anyway). I had an emergency CS and it did take a while to recover. Many of my friends who had planned CS bounced back much faster.

NewYearsRevolution thanks so much for sharing your experience. Did you have a homebirth with DD2? Who did you have with you? Where was DD1 at the time? Lots of questions but this is also an option I'm considering, although I'm a bit scared! And also worried about the amount of blood there was last time... I can see me trying to hold everything in so I don't have to clean the carpets!!

MmeLindor thanks for your advice. I'm kicking myself today that I didn't talk to the consultant about a c section just for the reason you've said. I'm not booked to see them until 36 weeks now but I could call them... I have a friend who recently had an elective section with her second so I might go and have a chat to her initially, she'll have asked all the same questions too, I'm sure.

Yes, I had a homebirth. It was fab! DD1 was upstairs asleep. Except when my shouting at the top of my voice and mooing like a cow vocalising woke her a couple of times!

Have PM'd you too.

Got it - thanks :) have replied.

I'm writing this really just to get it off my chest.

I'm shocked at the extent to which DS' birth has affected me. Every time I think I'm getting a grip on things, something else happens which sends me 3 steps backwards.

I spoke to a great mw today on the phone who again we had some contact with last time. She's given me some really constructive advice on how to deal with the situation I described in the OP. Which is good, right?

Except my stomach's tight again, I can't breathe properly, I'm tearful, I'm sick of being monosyllabic every time I try to speak to somebody about it or just not being able to express myself properly. I don't know how I think I'm going to control my panic when I go into labour when a positive phone call is all it takes to set me off.

I really want to have a VB with this baby but I'm starting to think I'm completely mad for not considering an elective cs more seriously. What are the chances of me getting this under control before May??

Oh, poor you. With the right help? - totally do-able. And if not, there is loads of time to plan an ELCS.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like an ELCS is what you really deep down want. Don't want to second guess you, but it sounds like your ideal is a VB without so much fear? If that's true, how about being gentle on yourself and spending some time working on that plan? Then, if you decide to go with an ELCS, you'll hopefully feel more secure in your choice?

What you are feeling is unfortunately very common. I remembered the name of that book - Birth Crisis by Ina May Gaskin. There's a helpline too I think.
Have you ever been able to really talk about what happened first time (to someone other than a partner)?

Thanks, NYR . I have talked about it to other people... the health professionals I've spoken to as part of this process have generally been a bit about a lot of it as it wasn't handled well at all. Friends don't really 'get' it though, I've found. Maybe that's just my perception of their reaction, I'm not sure. I actually find that I'm getting bored of talking about it now! It doesn't seem to help.

I'll look up that book - I've not read any of hers yet.

I'd really like to get the birth plan sorted with the hospital and have the debriefing with my hospital notes (which was supposed to happen last time but despite the notes being requested, nobody seemed to have them), as I think that would be a big step towards what you've suggested. It's so frustrating when things keep getting put back. And it doesn't make me feel any more confident about the care or any more in control of things.