Second time round, no one to look after DS when I'm in labour apart from DH - any suggestions?

[Flugelpip]

I am due in February. DS is 2 and a half and looked after by me/my DH only. We don't have any childcare or even a babysitter as he has been a rotten sleeper and I work in the evenings anyway so we never go out. We recently moved house and don't know our neighbours well at all. My family are in another country; DH's family are a minimum of 3 hours away by car (more like 4.5, allowing for packing time) and that feels a long time to wait when I'm in labour, though they are planning to come and mind DS. I don't have any friends without young children near me, and I do mean young - all of them have babies. I don't really know anyone I would ask to come and mind DS in the middle of the night anyway, or during the day as I suspect it would be a bit of a nightmare for them. I have planned a home birth, hoping that it will be at night so DS might sleep through it, but if this baby is born early like his brother (36.5 weeks) he will have to be born in hospital.

I am completely at a loss to know what to do. DS was a quick labour, waters broke at 1.30 am and he was born at 10. Chances are DS2 will be quicker, which is all the more reason to find a solution. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any suggestions? At present I am pretty sure I'm going to end up giving birth on my own in hospital while DH waits with DS for the in-laws to arrive.

I swear, I am not a horrible person; I just don't have any useful close friends with mature children/lots of free time and patience!

Sounds awkward, here's hoping you get your homebirth... Could you get DS used to sleeping over at a friend's house - one of your friends might be up for taking him for the night maybe? Or they might be up for coming to yours while their DP looks after their child...? Or ask your inLaws to come and stay for a while so they're not rushing about once you go in to labour? (if you could bear your inLaws staying with you, that is!) Or would you consider an alternative birth partner? A doula perhaps?

Hi, I do sympathise and up until yesterday I was in a similar position (also due in February, two children at home and relatives living abroad). I was losing sleep over it and it worried me more than anything else.

My advice is that giving birth without your DH there with you should be your last resort. Personally, I can't imagine being there alone, not having someone to speak up for me if I can't talk and DH missing the birth would be a huge thing to him. Waiting for your relatives to arrive if they live 3 hours away is also not an option as second labours are quicker and chances are you may not be able to wait that long. HB could be a possibility for you but ideally you will still need childcare in place if your DS is only a toddler whether it happens in the middle of the night or not (otherwise your DH may well end up minding your DS rather than be with you).
I know it sucks asking neighbours or friends if they'd be OK if you woke them up in the middle of the night, but realistically, you should make plans now in case you have no other option. Personally I HATE asking favours and I was so embarrassed to ask but also just had no choice. Neighbours are your best bet because they're close by, otherwise any friend that lives on your way to the hospital could do as you could drop DS off while going to hospital. Another options I explored was to pay a local childminder but could not think of anyone who would offer this service.
Honestly try to ask a couple of people, whoever you think is best suited to help. People don't offer unfortunately but they usually don't mind helping out in such circumstances. It's hard to beat the embarrassment and just ask but you'll feel so much better once it's done and you have an emergency plan in place!

Yup, in the same position as you and mimosatree, and it was one of my big worries.

Ask around for babysitters and start getting to know one. Get a good word of mouth recommendation if you can. Ask everyone you know. We have a couple of babysitters on standby. Are you on mat leave at the moment? Ask someone to come in for a couple of hours once a week between now and the birth and get to know your DS with you there.

We have also asked friends - they have DCs the same age as our DD - and it will be a case of getting DD up in the night to drop off at theirs, but this is a better option than DH not being able to take me to hospital or missing the birth.

It's really hard, and I too hate, hate, hate asking for favours, but in a way this has been a good way to force me to ask a favour of people I considered more acquaintances than friends and is a real ice-breaker. Everyone who has had kids will sympathise and will do their best to help if they can.

If DH's family can be there in under five hours, it's a really short time for your DS to be with someone else, so good luck, bite the bullet and start asking around. As mimosa said, you really want your DH to be with you and DC2.

Good luck.

Maybe a good time to get to know your neighbours!! Maybe ask them if they know of any babysitters in the area / their friends with responsible teenagers etc?? Just having this conversation I bet one of them would say they'd be happy to be your emergency sitter x

Good luck!

What about asking local doula's if they can help.

If agreeable maybe you could ask a doula to be with you for a home birth and if you have to go to hospital maybe they would be willing to stay home with your toddler so DH can be at hospital with you. Worth a try ?

Can I just say if you (or anyone) asked me to look after your DS in this position I would be totally flattered and would go out of my way, new baby or not to help you.

I was in the same position with DD. My Dsis told me she could come when I was 42 weeks, so if DD hadn't been born by then I would have been induced (I had my 16 year old niece stay with me for the week when I was 39/40 weeks, but was pretty sure baby would be late)

Luckily the home birth went to plan.

Really, you do need to ask someone you know as back up, Just in case. I bet you anything they don't say no.

All my friends have young kids too, but even so, in an emergency they would have taken my DDs for an hour or two (or even four hours in your case) while the cavalry arrived. As it was, DC#3 made his appearance in the evening, so friend's DH was home with their kids, while she came over to mind my kids while I huffed and puffed. My mum was called at the same time, so she came and took over from my friend.
I can't see why their having young kids stops you asking them. It's only going to be the one time?!

My 6yo DS stayed through his sisters birth, although he could have gone next door. Fortunately her birth was as quick and easy as his. I don't know how easy it would have been if he had been younger or the birth longer and more complicated.
Could you have a neighbour who would be on hand to come in and be part of the 'event'? In my case there was a posse at my gate waiting for news and they were quite put out when midwife refused to make
any announcements (as she rightly told them that was the families job).

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I think if I ask a few people and let them know that I've asked more than just them maybe they won't feel obliged to do it if they're not happy to or if it doesn't suit at the time. It does help to imagine myself in the same position, and I don't think I would mind being asked! I do need a back-up plan, it transpires. Definitely a help to hear other people's solutions rather than just panicking alone or planning to wing it.

Awww, your post nearly made me cry. I think anyone with a heart would jump at the chance to help you out. Lol, if you are anywhere near Cardiff i would be more than happy. And it doesn't matter if your son doesn't sleep as by Feb i will have a teeny tiny baby keeping us all awake anyhow!!!

Please talk to your neighbours. I don't know anyone who would mind being kept awake by a toddler for a few hours while his mother gave birth to his sibling and his GPs drove 3 hours to take over. I'd be thrilled to be asked, even more so if I didn't know the person well.

Def ask neighbours, that's what we did when our plan a people let us down. 2 years on, ds1 still talks about the time he went in the car to nursery without proper car seat straps on as neighbour couldn't work them out

We would have been in same position if we didn't have my parents come to stay around the time DC2 due (a mixed blessing!). It's more of a clinical approach but there are agencies with childcarers on-call/emergency nannies in most areas. You probably have to pay to register with them to use the service which could be quite pricey & you may not like the idea of a complete stranger looking after DC1, altho I think they would do at least one home visit for familiarisation & more if you wanted.

Are there any families with student children around that could do with some money? I'm sure they would love to help out and they could just sleep on the couch. Obviously they'd have to get to know your older one beforehand, but it might mean you've a ready made babysitter if you ever want to go out as a couple.

We were in the same position, really stressing about it. So I started contacting local childminders found a lovely one who actually lives accross the road from us. We went and spoke to her explained our situation and now have a plan in place.

Dd will go her and my mum will come and get her ASAP. She's not charging anymore.than the actual hours dd will be with her, which hopefully won't be anymore than 5. But she's been really lovely and understanding.

I don't think the neighbours are a possibility; one side is a bit scary (mum of teenagers, gave me a bollocking just after we moved in for dropping round unexpectedly one morning to ask a question (!) and DS hasn't got to know her at all as a result). She's not unpleasant but she is a bit volatile and nosy, and I'd rather not ask her. On the other side we have two working parents with one toddler who is in nursery full-time, and again we don't know them well at all, but I doubt they would be able to help. They always seem very stressed and we haven't spoken more than a couple of times. That's as far as I've got, as we are in London - quite remarkable that I know that much about them, really!

I do think the childminder is a good idea - I have met a few at playgroups and liked a couple of them very much, so I'll investigate. I also have a friend who is a nanny and I could ask her if she would be on call for night-minding, but obviously she'd have to be able to leave to go to work - couldn't let her employers down... But she might be able to take DS with her as the family she works for have met him and liked him. I actually think the main thing is getting over the fear of asking and causing someone else to be stressed. I'm just so used to looking after DS by myself and he is the sort of child who encourages that behaviour, being more than a bit clingy.

Thank you for all responses and support. MN at its best, I'd say. I'll let you know what happens!

we went through exactly the same dilemma when DD2 was born. Am hyper-organised/controlling when it comes to my kids and their care. We had several people at nursery/neighbours/work colleagues actually volunteer their help, saying even not to worry if it was at nighttime but I just felt so uncomfortable about calling in favours, plus I wanted ONE solution that would work whatever time of day, night, bank-holiday etc. So we actually in a quite extreme measure rented a small flat for my in-laws nearby and they came for a month.

We were able to get them to our place in 20 mins or so to take care of DD1 when we left for hospital, and they stayed with her, in our house, til I came out again 3 days later with her new sister. They brought her in for visits, spoiled and indulged her as grandparents do, kept her clean, fed and well-rested and ensured she saw the whole experience as positive. After I came home they were still on-hand to help cook meals, babysit DD1, iron DH's shirts (made the most of that one!) and to take some of the pressure off the first days with a newborn an a toddler. Plus they met their granddaughter and oohed and ahed over her and were generally proud grandparents.

Yes, it cost a few quid but it was well worth it for us and our family and I know that DH appreciated that he didn't have a string of people to call round to try and dispatch DD1 to while I was puffing and swearing. He struggled enough to remember where my hospital bag was, poor thing!

Whereabouts in London are you? There are enough London MNers here that somebody must be able to come up with some useful leads!

Re your stressed out working parents with toddler, they sound like ideal candidates for middle of the night emergencies. Seriously. They're the kind of people who will be totally used to dealing with childcare emergencies, they're used to handling stress and what's more, they've almost certainly got some useful contacts for daytime help...

There are a few London-based emergency childcare agencies too. Can't remember names offhand and haven't used myself but know plenty of people who have.

Definitely ask the mums with babies too. The prospect of looking after a toddler as well won't phase some of them - and it's got to be easier than looking after two babies. At least a 2.5yo can walk, talk and fetch and carry! You may need to think about things such as car seats though - make sure that whoever takes your DS can go wherever they have to go if it's not within easy walking distance.

Good luck.

I think your idea of asking a few friends is a good idea. They won't mind despite having babies. I'm looking after a friend's DD while she has DD2 at some point in the next few weeks!

My DD is 8 weeks but this makes me the perfect candidate as I'm on maternity leave so can be there at any time. No risk of me working in another city that day or similar and I don't mind at all what time she calls.

I even have a little bag of her DD's things at mine ready for the big day so her mum doesn't have to think about that and we've had a little chat about what she wants to eat at mine and I've shown her where she will sleep etc.

I'm hoping she will enjoy the novelty but if she doesn't and gets upset and won't sleep DH and I will deal with it - it really doesn't matter as we were happy to help whatever that may end up looking like!

There is also the bonus with the Mums with babies that they are probably not getting a full night's sleep anyway! hehe x

I was so worried about this when pregnant with DS. I asked my in laws (who were about 1.5 hours away) and they were really pleased to be involved. But I also ask my friend who had a 2 year old and a 6 month old to be back up and she was totally delighted to be asked too. She lived just a few minutes drive away and would have been a really good option if my in laws hadn't arrived in time. I think actually it really bonded her friendship as it meant that I wanted her to be involved in such an important event. I would actually be chuffed if someone asked me to help out.

our friendship not her. Also agree being on mat leave so at home in the day is a good thing.

I'm in London and could help out (if nearby to you)!

Hi, I was in a similar situation when ds2 was due last year. Ds1 was in nursery but there was no guarantee I would go into labour during the day and not at a weekend! I discussed it with dh and we decided the best way forward was to hire a doula so that dh would be free to take care of ds1 at whatever time/day it happened. We knew that meant him missing the birth which we were sad about but it was the best use of his skills if you see what I mean and I got to have a birth expert with me which was great! I also planned a homebirth hoping that dh and ds could be there but of course, things didn't quite go to plan and I actually had ds2 in hospital in nursery hours so dh was there after all which was a bonus. Having the doula was great in all sorts of ways but it certainly gave me peace of mind about who would look after ds1. Hope you find a solution.