extremely anxious about 2nd labour/birth for no good reason (sorry - longish)

[Mandyville]

First labour was mostly in water, but DD got stuck (back-to-back and brow) so it ended in an EMCS. Mixed experience up on the ward after surgery. In summary, I hated:

• being monitored before being allowed in the water
• being catheterised without being warned
• getting the shakes from the spinal block
• getting no sleep on the ward
• being faced with an extremely busy ward and one extremely unhelpful night midwife
• having to care for DD with no help while immobile
• DH being sent home minutes before a midwife got me out of bed for a shower so I had to leave my newborn on her own
• the food (and I still haven't forgiven the previous occupant of my bed for ordering a single baked potato and cheese).

I'm now six months pregnant with number two.

Some of the stuff I hated first time is emminently fixable. I now know that the local takeaways deliver to the front of the building, for example. I know a lot more about babies now, so caring for one is less onerous. I'll be able to ask relevant questions about getting out of bed before DH leaves for the night.

Some of this is non-fixable. The ward will be busy or it won't. The midwives will be nice or they won't. The spinal block (I'm electing a section) will be upsetting or it won't. I'll get to my section date or I won't (and if I don't I'll be left to attempt VBAC). It's this stuff which is bothering me. I spent hours in tears last night while DH tried to 'fix' things. Thing is - nothing really went very badly at all. DD and I were both safe, the surgeon was skillful, the midwives were attentive and kind while I was in labour... And I STILL can hardly bear to think about it.

If you had an objectively perfectly good birth experience which nevertheless really upset you, what did you do? My midwife wants me to talk through my notes with someone, but I think it's the last thing I need. Everytime I go over the old ground I cry for 24 hours - it can't be helpful.

I had an upsetting birth with DS2 although by most people's standards it was a good birth. I'd planned on a home waterbirth but first my waters broke and established labour didn't happen. I hung on for 4 days hoping that my niggles would turn into something but just as things got going I had traces of meconium in my waters and ds2 turned back to back. So I went to hospital by ambulance and after 90 mins of agony and several different people bustling in and out ds2 was born.

With DS3 I had an appointment with the matron on labour ward and we talked about my birth plan. I asked to be in the same room as with DS2 because I wanted to be somewhere familiar. We talked about how I could hide the antiseptic smell of the hospital room and that I could be discharged from the labour ward. I found that really helpful.

A lot of the things that went right with ds3 were luck though. I was lucky that there were no shift changes. I was lucky that I had one to one care from the midwife. I was lucky that I had met the midwife once before (she was on placement with my community midwife when she was a student and I was pregnant with ds1). I was lucky that the midwife was very positive about me keeping moving even though I was on a ctg monitor.

That kind of appointment has also been offered to me ellie. I'm certainly more attracted to that kind of 'planning meeting' than to going over my last labour. I know what you mean about luck, though - that's what I feel I need!

I dont think it matters whether to anyone else your last birth was "good" the point is that to you it wasn't. I am not sure how to advise about your experiences, only to say that I am very anxious about this birth (I am 35 weeks with dc3) due to my seemingly "quick and easy" birth last time, so I do know what you mean. I have another thread on this, but I have had the "after thoughts" session and I did find it quite traumatic. However, it did clarify in my mind that I need to have more control over this birth, and therefore I am attempting to get an ELCS this time round.

charlie7, thanks. My feeling is that 'after thoughts' would be painful for me too. It would just underline the relative normality of my experience (in contrast to my rather strong feelings about it). I'm so glad that it's not just me asking for ELCS after a pretty straightforward but somehow upsetting birth.

Yes I agree, my birth experience read like a perfect birth almost, and in fact the first consultant I have seen referred to it as a very easy birth... However, I had a very understanding midwife who did the session, who said that it is totally down to how you feel about it, how you coped etc. She has written extensive notes for the consultant (which the first one ignored) about my mental state, and as I am seeIng another consultant tomorrow for a second opinion I am going to make damn sure he has read it this time!!
I think it shows you have tried to deal with issues if you have after thoughts, though I agree it is just upsetting really.

Honestly I would advise going through the notes - I had not dis-similar experience and found it massively helpful - I know it may be upsetting at the time but not talking about it is honestly going to increase your anciety

AnOther, I've seen the notes before in my birth choices meeting - that's the meeting for women who've had previous sections and therefore get a choice of VBAC vs ELCS. It wasn't a meeting to go over the notes as such, but the midwife did talk about them and refer to them and answered a couple of DH's questions. It just made me sob. I'm not at all sure that I want to go through it all again, especially at six months pregnant. How did it help you? I don't have a problem talking about my first experience in a factual manner - I just fall apart when midwives put their heads on one side and look all sympathetic and ask me how I feel about the experience! Did it help you put aside your feelings about the last labour/birth? The thing is, I suppose, that I don't think my feelings are much to do with the detail of what happened. I mean, labour is massively painful and being in hospital is massively disempowering - I'm not upset about the detail, I'm upset because it's just a traumatic thing to go through.

OK, maybe I should talk about it to someone...! I seem to have typed quite a lot. I just think that the devil is not in the detail. I actually don't understand, given that I had a pretty normal experience, why more women are not really upset about their labours. I mean it's horrible! Isn't it?

Just a quick bump for any more advice - I wish there was a way of avoiding the sobbing, but maybe I just need to think about it and then finish thinking about it, IYSWIM...

I think sometimes the sobbing is necessary personally as I have a tendancy to push emotions away and then get very anxcious, but the going through it helped me put in some perspective on the experience somehow - how it got to that point, what might have helped or not - and what could have be worse

and don't compare it to anyone else - its how you feel that matters

the other thing that helped me was writing my birth story and also reading Ina May Gaskin guide to childbirth which has lots of positve birth stories

and for my succesful VBAC - I changed hospitals, and had a friend come along as well as my DH - some people hire doula for the same purpose -

Hi Mandyville,
I had my daughter by EMCS five months ago and only stopped crying on a regular basis two months ago. Forget 'normal', your personal experience is yours and you have the right to feel how you feel. You said you were catheterized without warning - that's not right, and I'd be upset by that too, along with the other things you described. I was fine for about two weeks after the birth (including during the section!) but it hit me like a brick wall and the memories, resentment, frustration and anger swelled up and swallowed me whole. I remembered the doctors making small talk like I wasn't there, the anthesthetist brushing me off rudely when I asked if she could see my baby yet on the other side of the curtain, the drugged up, stupid feeling I had from this effervescent sedative they gave me, and most importantly, them not letting my husband attend...aside from that I felt like I hadn't given birth and that I'd missed the special 'meeting' with my daughter (she was taken away after quickly showing her to me). I went to talk to the midwife I'd seen through my pregnancy (but not at the birth) and she reassured me that my feelings were justified. On her recommendation I saw a therapist who said I was perhaps dealing with bad memories of my own birth. It really helped me put things in perspective. If I hadn't done that and admitted that I wasn't doing well, I'd still be depressed. I worry about if I ever get pregnant again and I think it's totally understandable that you feel the way you do. Cry if you need to, talk to someone if you need to. And if that person says "yeah, but the important thing is that your first baby was OK", tell them to screw off and find another person to talk to!! Of course you think about your baby's health but you need to think of your own too, and that doesn't make you selfish. I used to have to fight back the sobs when people told me that.The minimizing of your experience is a slap in the face that you don't deserve.
Good luck with everything and take each day as it comes! Best wishes

Hi mandyville,

I'm in a similar position to you - not so much the birth itself (although there are similarities) but the way I feel as a result of it.

I thought I was over it but since falling pregnant again, I cry every time the subject comes up.

The first time this happened was at my booking-in appt - I was a bit of a mess, it took me completely by surprise and I was referred to the consultant as a result, on the assumption that I'd be directed straight back to mw led care. I didn't hold very high expectations for the meeting really.

The consultant was LOVELY, asked me to talk her through it (more tears...) and will be seeing me again with a senior midwife at the next scan to prepare a birth plan. She'll see me again at around 36 weeks and they'll apparently assign a senior midwife to me when I'm admitted.

This is so much better than I anticipated and while I'm not exactly looking forward to it (!), I do feel a little more positive and the bad dreams/teeth grinding have stopped! I'd recommend this route at this stage, anyway.