What if I don't want a birth partner?

[kiteflying]

I am two weeks away from due date and already the trauma of my first child's birth is haunting me - no hypnosis is doing what I need it to. The thing is, I felt crowded by strange voices and shouting (no one was actually shouting at me but ordinary coaching voices were just so intrusive) and my DH's anxiety over my pain was palpable and just set me on edge through the whole second stage. I ended up on a birthing stool, three midwives around, with an episiotomy that took forever to heal, and PTSD which had me in tears and panic attacks even six months later.
So I have just had an appointment with my MW who casually informed me that towards the time of actual delivery, an extra bod would appear to "observe" the birth. Possibly an obstetrician, or another midwife. How do I get across to my midwife that I really don't want anyone "helping"? How do I talk my DH out of being my "birth support" without hurting his feelings? Or is this something that I won't feel on the day?
I will never forget feeling just so crowded and bullied last time around, and my DH, instead of "advocating", just standing there like a rabbit in headlights.
Does anyone else just crave privacy and quiet to get on with it? Is there a name for this so I can discuss it with my MW without just sounding weird?

Don't know anything officially about this, but I desperately wanted to be left alone as much as possible for birthing my son. I spoke to DH who agreed to basically keep people away from me as far as possible, no students etc during the birth and as little intervention and monitoring as possible. If your DH won't be able to do this, have you considered homebirth? At least that way you are in control of who is there

who is the person they want to observe you? is it a student, you can say you dont want one if so.

not sure about your dh, but it is your choice ultimately and if he didnt like seeing the birth last time and you feel you will get on better without him next time then he doesnt have to be there.

fwiw i had a student at some of my births ( i have 5 children) and they basically just say in a corner of the room and didnt say anything so werent at all obtrusive. ditto my dp who knew not to talk to me, not to touch me etc.

you arent wierd at all, i needed to be left alone in labour to just get on with it, a bit of support was fine, but i just needed to get on with breathing and focusing on relaxing, explain this to your midwife and your dh :)

I think its perfectly natural to crave privacy when birthing. A lot of the time during both my (home) births I just shut myself away on my own in a dark room. When cx got really bad, I just wanted someones hand to hold and peace and quiet to concentrate.
We are mammals, we are destined to seek privacy and safety when in labour but our culture now seems to think its 'normal' to be surrounded by (sometimes several) strangers in an unfamiliar environment with people shouting at you loudly.
No wonder so much intervention is 'needed'.

Where are you giving birth this time? Have you written a plan that makes it clear you don't want anyone other than necessary whilst you're giving birth and certainly no 'observers'?
Do you want to have no support from a birth partner, or just not from your DP? Have you considered a friend who has given birth herself and you are close to or perhaps a hiring doula?
Talk to your partner about his feelings about being there and make sure you are clear about what you need from him.

I think she probably means someone else will come in to watch her as well. They don't like having just one midwife in the room when the birth happens, partly because that way in the rare case of emergency there is one midwife for you, and one for the baby, and also to kind of cover there backs maybe? I worked on a maternity ward briefly and women never delivered just alone with one midwife. They can never be 100% sure they won't need that back up.

yes pink is right there are generally two midwives present but the second one doesnt do if anything if its not needed, i am sure in my case when i had ds4 the midwife literally just popped her head round the door so she was 'officially' there but not even in the room properly and there was as student dr, but she hadnt seen a natural birht and needed to, and like i said she just sat in a corner of the room, she was in tears after ds4 was born and amazed just how nice a natural birth could be having only seen intervention adn c-sections etc, she gave him a little cuddle before she left and thanked me for allowing her to be there :)

Thanks everyone. The reason it came up in the conversation with my midwife is because my birth plan does specify no observers and no students. So she thought she should tell me that there would be an observer and that she thought it was important that people like obstetricians see what a natural birth can be like (so am I selfish to want my last birthing experience to be about my needs and not the greater good?).
Home birth is not an option here as I live in Australia now. I wish I had had one with my DD when we still lived in England. It is a beautiful birth centre but obviously there is still an element of bureacracy - i.e. it is not an option to say no to this stranger coming in at the end.
I think my DP will step back if I ask him to, so I am bit more relaxed than I was the other night about him being there. I will need him to get in and out of the pool, and to have someone to shout at after all!!
So glad people don't think it is weird to want to be on my own...I honestly thought I would get cries of horror.

Surely it is your right to have only the people you want there at your birth?
Maybe if you told said unwanted person to fuck off they may feel a little uneasy and leave?

My DP has suggested we leave our objections unsaid until the day, and then as you say, just tell the said person to leave when it is crunch time. I am uneasy about possibly having a confrontation five minutes before birthing my baby, but the alternative is to potentially upset my lovely midwife who I would dearly like to be on my side between now and then.
He has also promised to shush people!
Am definitely coming around to the idea of him being there anyway. We have discussed letting go of all the hypnotherapy coaching he did last time, so I can just be in my own head.

Flecking cheek that the obs will just be there at the end for the action and not there during the hard part. Absolutely tell them to fuck off. Demand he/she reads your birthplan and in it write 'dear obs, I am not a public viewing gallery, watch the whole birth next time or make do with YouTube, now get lost.'

kiteflying - I feel like you about having people there. It is my first baby also due very soon (just over a week) and really would prefer to be on my own but everytime i say this my OH keeps saying how he wants to help me and see his child born (not unreasonable). It does make things feel a bit pressured though. All I can think about is things like will he see me shit myself. I keep pointing out that even I wouldnt be there by choice but unfortunately, i have to be! Makes me wish for the fathers-waiting-in-corridors times of the 1960s!
With health care professionals, I find that where as years ago, you used to be asked if you minded someone observing etc, these days you are told that they are there (got this with a student midwife a few weeks ago at my antenatal appt) I find it very rude.

God no wonder obstetricians have skewed ideas of childbirth if they only show up for the money shot

OP - you need to have a good talk with your DH about his role and how it affects you during labour. I had this chat many times with DH and he was great.

Also if anyone spoke to me during a contraction, I'd ignore them - close my eyes, head down. They could wait or speak to DH (I only had one midwife so easier). Would you feel comfortable doing this?

As for an observer - I'd quiz the MW about this. I assume they'd stan in the corner and be quiet. I'd ask if they could stick to that if they had to be there.

Have you thought about having a doula? I know time is short but check out DoulaUK and see if there is anyone near to you. Doulas can make such a difference to both partners and can advocate for the labouring woman if needed. Best of luck.

I would not beat around the proverbial bush and write a very formal and direct letter to the hospital explaining that you want privacy and that you expect the hospital to respect your wishes and inform the personnel that those not directly involved in your care are absolutely not welcome. Also that you will be demanding a written explanation if it is not adhered to. Give them an opportunity to discuss with you ahead of the actual time, rather than during the event. Address it to the hospital manager, head of the unit and the head mw as well as your doctor/mw.

If you are concerned, I would not leave it to the chance, but hurry as there is not much time left!

Everything bebe said.
And if anyone appears at the time of the 'money shot' tell them to fuck off leave.

Ask to have a sign on the door outside informing that only direct caregivers can enter (ideally signed by a unit manager).

It didnt bother me on the day, when i gave birth I had a queue of people sticking hands in my vagina without introducing themselves, but I was so concerned for my baby (dd was born at 24+1) that I didn't give a hoot. I was abroad, alone, in shock and nobody was sticking up for my privacy.

Sorry posted too early...

...anyway, despite not giving a hoot myself, I do understand they way you feel OP!

You have to consent to an observer. I would say very clearly and formally that you do not, under any circumstances consent to this at any point, put it in your birth plan and tattoo on your head if necessary.
Bebe's suggestion of putting a notice on the door is good.

"I worked on a maternity ward briefly and women never delivered just alone with one midwife. They can never be 100% sure they won't need that back up."

I did.

I did too.

Your feelings sound totally normal to me. Although, it sounds likely that your DH and you can plan this and really make this work between you. Now that he's seen you birth he's not likely to be a "rabbit in the headlights" this time, and is likely to be more confident and willing to act as your advocate, especially if you've told him of your fears and feelings from the last birth. As your birth partner he can really help create the right environment for you to feel comfortable and safe in if he knows how important this is to you and how it will help your labour. It's quite natural for a woman to want to birth without any "threats" around her. The more eyes watching or feelings of intrusive behaviour in the room, the more uneasy you're likely to feel, which may hinder or even halt the progress of labour. I do hope all goes well and you're as relaxed as possible..with maybe just a few sets of eyes and very quiet voices nearby.

Do you have the option to turn the lights down? That might relax you, plus it tends to have the effect of making people whisper or generally be a bit more contained.

Also talk to DH about what you want, re noise/not touching etc