Im not sure if I'm on the right thread so please redirect me if I'm not. This might also be a bit long because I have a few issues to get down so thank you in advance for reading it.
I have two DDs. DD1 was a normal VB, big baby and a long labour with 2nd degree tearing but nothing unusual. After her birth I had some pretty intense worries that something was wrong with me. I lost a lot of weight fairly quickly without even trying. When I look back I know it was because I was suddenly much more active after several weeks of near enough bedrest plus I was skipping meals and stuff. At the time though I added up my 'symptoms' - sudden unexplained weight loss, loss of appetite, joint and muscle aches and pains, unexplained bruising (down to bumping myself with pram or whatever and not realising until a bruise popped up) - and I self-diagnosed leukaemia. I know, I know, completely unreasonable and irrational but as soon as it was there the idea lodged into my head and wouldn't budge. I finally had my perfect baby and I loved her more than anything else in the world and I was convinced I was going to die and have to leave her and miss out on seeing her grow up. Utterly convinced. This went on from July until September and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew they'd think I was nuts and I was worried they'd tell me I was being stupid or they would take my baby away. I'm crying a little bit at the memory of it because I felt so lost and instead of enjoying my newborn I was grieving for myself and live in dread of the inevitable diagnosis of a terminal illness. In the September my doctor did a blood test as I'd been feeling breathless and dizzy a lot (anxiety no doubt) and decided to do a full health check while he was on so they did a blood count and glucose and god knows what else, my blood was analysed to pieces and came back normal. With this knowledge my fears gradually subsided and I got back to my usual self.
Eight weeks ago I had DD2. Her delivery was an EMCS because they didn't realise she was breech until I was in labour and 4cm dilated, I was lucky my waters were intact when I arrived at hospital as examination and a scan showed the cord was dangling over my cervix, if they had broken it would more than likely have prolapsed. I'm starting to have the same feelings of anxiety but this time they're about DD2, I'm worried she's not normal. I know all parents worry to some degree about development and their child's health but I feel like its taking over my life. I'm constantly asking DH if he thinks she's okay and if he remembers DD1 doing this or doing that and is it normal. I was BFing her but at her two week weigh in when we transfered from MW care to HV care she had lost 6oz so I moved her onto formula, now I miss BFing so much and I'm worried the formula will hurt her even though DD1 was formula fed so I know it won't. I asked one of the MWs why DD was breech and she said usually there's no reason but sometimes, rarely, it's a sign of developmental problems or genetic defects. I think she was trying to be informative but my brain latched onto those two phrases and it's exactly like it was last time. Every so often the fear overwhelms me and I get weepy because immso scared for her and feel its only a matter of time before they discover something wrong with her. Other times I'm fine and normal and I know I'm being silly. I'm trying to keep the fear feelings under control, I love DD2 so much it's unreal and in my heart I know she's fine, she's my little smiler an she's already so curious about everything, she's hitting all her newborn milestones of smiling and tracking objects and has started lifting her head to look around when she's lying on my shoulder or cheat but even though I know she's fine there's this conflict in my brain telling me she's not. I'm so confused and I can't explain it very well.
Has anyone else felt like this? I feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone in RL about it in case they laugh at me or say I'm being stupid or think I'm unstable and need to be kept an eye on in case I hurt the children. I know that last part is irrational too.
I'm worried it's PND but don't know if that worry is part of it, like I've latched onto PND in the same way I've latched onto these other illnesses and conditions IYSWIM? I don't feel depressed and I'm eating and sleeping normally and I function day to day so is PND just a straw I'm clutching at? And if it is PND I don't know what to do, I don't want to see my GP or HV in case they think I'm a bad mum, I don't want to end up on any lists and my GP would probably just tell me to pull myself together anyway.
I don't even know what my question is, I think I just wanted to our it out there and get it off my chest more than anything.