ecs and grandmothers' (long) visits+help

[sputnik2]

Hi All,
thank you for all your answers to my previous questions, it really helped us a lot. Here is one more before the big day:
Both my mum and my MIL are desperate to visit and stay with us for (at least) a week to help and to bond with the baby (its a 1st grandchild for my mum and 1st baby for my MIL only son). Both of them are very keen to come when the baby will be just 3 weeks (and a week after my husband gets back to work). And of course they want to come at the same time (this is- we already decided- a no-no).

What are yoru experiences in that matter? Does it really help, or just add up to the stress? Should we ask them to come later, or use the help offered at 3 weeks so potentially we could get some rest? Or will it just disturb in getting some/if any routine in our lives with the baby?

I love both of them but I'm rather an introvert with my own way of doing things, whereas both mums are bubbly and often over-talkative and need a lot of TLC. Neither of them knows that we will have a c-section and I will not be able to drive them around London or do 'touristy' things with the baby in baby bjorn like we initially planned.

Here we go :-) Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

Doing touristy things with a 3 week old baby, especially a first baby, seems a little ambitious no matter how the baby was being delivered.

Do you need to decide now, can you not wait until the baby is a couple of weeks old and then see what you feel like. I think it would be a shame to agree to something now, and then find it wasnt what you needed at all. A bit of help at 3 weeks might be great, but on the other hand you might just want to have some time on your own to get things sorted out rather than entertaining a guest.

Unfortunately both of them need to arrange flights (EU and US) and they want to know the dates NOW (tells you a lot about their determination...)

When my first child was 3 weeks I was barely able to meet the babies and my own needs. A guest who needed TLC would have been out of the question!

Even waiting till the baby was 5/6 weeks could make a real difference? Or if they book into a hotel so you dont have them to deal with all of the time?

I think 3 weeks old was when I was just about able to come up for air (so to speak) - pretty much used to baby, shower most days, and feel able to take short walks with baby in a carrier (EMCS - I healed very quickly, but at 3 weeks you're still having to move a bit gingerly).

I know they have to book flights, but if you're very much a 'I can do it myself' type person I think I'd try and put them off another month until the baby is a couple of months old, when you'll be pretty much back to yourself (hopefully) and used to the baby (who'll be smiling, and much better to carry around etc than when they're very young and floppy)

My mum and dad insisted on coming over the day DD was born and booked into a hotel so they weren't under my feet the whole time. But they were still under my feet the whole time. I share the situation you're in, where all family have to come for visits and there is no chance of your mum coming round to hold the baby while you have a shower and stick a load of washing on, then buggering off again. That's what I would have wanted in the early stages. In all honesty, I don't think there is a good time to have a visitor for 'at least a week' with a baby under 6 months. So I don't see any harm in having them come in the first few weeks just to get it over with to be fair. That's not very encouraging I know, sorry.

Honestly from my experience (3 times round - once with section) that sounds stressful. Try and put them off till baby 3 months and you're able to walk, aren't leaking everywhere and have hit the wall of exhaustion. Their help at this stage would probs be alot more useful. Last baby MIL stayed for a whole week after his birth and it was a nightmare - he had no name for 10 days cos she literally wouldn't leave us alone to discuss it

No - in all but a very small minority of cases (where the mum or MIL is helpful and doesn't need entertaining/looking after, and isn't pushy) it adds to the stress, isn't a good idea at all and can cause huge ructions.

Seriously, put them off until baby is at least a couple of months old. They're determined? Then that goes double. The last thing you need is pushy relatives demanding their time - at this most precious time for you, that they have already enjoyed for themselves! - they need to bond with the baby? No, they really don't, and the baby really, REALLY won't need someone who isn't his/her mum pushing themselves into that position. The baby won't 'bond' with them - at that age, they're more likely to simply scream for you.

Put your foot down NOW and tell them that the earliest you will be prepared to have guests for more than a day is 7-8 weeks. That gives you time to fully recover, establish breatfeeding, and just get used to the new situation. Believe me, that's not long at all and the time will fly - at three weeks, you'll hardly know where your head is at (in a good way!) If they turn up then, the fur is likely to fly after a couple of days of other women demanding their bonding time with your baby!

At 7-8 weeks, though, you should be much more able to plan days out and give them both the fun, busy experience that they want. And the baby will be a bit bigger, more responsive, smiling, FAR more fun to interact with. At three weeks, you just don't know. If breastfeeding takes time to establish, they could arrive to a zombie world of endless feeds and snatched sleep, a very snappy DIL/DD and no chance of even an outing to the local cafe.

Oh god tbh it sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I hate anyone staying in my house while I've got a new baby & a week would've driven me insane. PIL stayed for a couple of days when dd2 was born & it was awful ... it has really damaged our relationship & if she had been my first I don't think we'd be speaking now tbh. Put it off for as long as possible, do not underestimate how exhausting it will be (don't schedule the visits too close together - give yourself time to recover between), do not plan to do lots of stuff while they are here (they must fit in with you & not expect top-notch hostessing) & if at all possible find somewhere else for them to stay. Could they not come for a weekend to start with?

Doesn't sound good. If they don't know you are having a CS how do they think you will be able to give them a date?

I agree with the others. IF they stay in a hotel and turn up with food for you and roll you into a bath and then go off to do touristy things themselves for most of the day, it might be ok.

But its really is true you need time to bond and get your confidence with your baby before its anyone else's turn.

I'd say either they can come for a weekend and stay in a hotel and come over for 2 hours a day at 3 weeks (surely an unattractive option from the USA) or come later and have more access to you and the baby, take you out to lunch etc.

(And don't get a baby bjorn, a wrap sling is much better for your back and the baby)

Thank you all for the honest answers, I feel slightly less selfish than before but still not sure how to make them understand that we may not be ready to have visitors.
MIL phoned 9am NY time about to press 'book now' on the airline website and commented to DH that I am 'complicated' because I cannot confirm the dates now and here, yghhhhhh...
DH hung up.

If they come at the same time (and stay in a hotel) would they be able to occupy themselves for some of the time to go and do touristy things, etc while you spend some time resting? It might be better than having them one after the other.

If they don't know you're having a planned section, can you play the 'we're not sure when the baby will be here' card? In a non-section delivery, your baby could easily be 2 weeks late etc.

I would definitely avoid both coming at once. The last thing you need is two grannies competing over who gets to do what (particularly as then they'll both want to hold the baby, whereas the sensible thing most of the time is that you hold/feed the baby whilst they make the dinner and wash up). This does mean that one is probably going to get huffy that the other one gets to come first.....but not a lot you can do about that. Even though it might make it worse, I would also try to schedule a few days between their visits to allow you a bit of time for just you again.

FWIW I would have been okay for visitors from 3-4 weeks. I didn't have a c-section though. We had to travel to London (from 200 miles away) when my little girl was 3.5 weeks old to look for a house to rent because we were relocating, and then moved when she was 7 weeks.

I really do feel for you here - I don't think parents get it sometimes - they just crash in well intentioned and all that but then they do get offended so easily. I'm due on 24th and MIL was on the phone to DH then me last week asking when I planned on giving birth cos she wanted to book a dinner with her friends on the 29th and wanted to know if she should as she expects (despite the fact we've not asked her) to come and stay the night the baby is born.

This is our 4th and a) we have no room b) we kind of know what we're doing and c) it was a total nightmare after ds3. Our precious bonding time was spent trying to entertain her (she was well intentioned but YKWIM).

So both dh and I separately and politely tell her how the f do we know when I'm going to go into labour so carry on with the dinner and then she's slightly offended we haven't asked her not to

DH had 2 weeks off work when DC5 was born by CS. My mum came after he'd gone back to work and I thought she'd come to help. She'd packed loads of books and spent most of the week either sitting in the garden reading; whining that she wanted to take DD out in the new pram we hadn't even put together; or suggesting it might be nice to go to the beach while I suffered from raging mastitis. I was so relieved when she went home.

I had a similar concern last time, folks planned to come for a week when DH finished his paternity leave & i was really worried but it was amazing- mum waited on me hand & foot, cooked, cleaned, cuddled baby so I could take showers; kept me supplied with drinks / snacks while feeding & even packed me & Dh off to the pub for an hour before she left - she's going to do the same this time & am v relieved!