Anyone feel they "failed" a bit at labour?

[GeneralDisarray]

Slightly daft, I didn't give a toss before labour about what pain relief I had..or I thought I didn't. My waters broke early and then I was induced, they couldn't examine me because of infection risk until they were pretty sure I was in established labour - and wouldn't give me any G&A before that, when they did examine me I was 5cm and asked if I'd like an epidural and I said yes. I still feel 'bothered' by the labour, not because of the care I recieved, but because of how I was, I hate that I was shouting and swearing in the labour ward with other mothers who were calm (maybe because they were in an earlier stage or maybe because they were just less wussy than me), I hate that I was rude to the doc who examined me and the second midwife on shift and I could see that she felt I was being 'difficult', I think I feel I should have been braver or something??

Anyone else experience this?

Bigkidsdidit, I was induced with dd1 and the pain was horrible, 2 weeks ago I had dd2 naturally, no induction and the difference in pain was amazing! I could cope all the way through! I was so surprised because I was waiting for this horrible pain like last time and it never came!

Being induced is really hard and I totally felt like a failure after dd1, mainly when friends would 'boast' about lack of pain relief :(
I do now feel a little bit proud because I didn't even have g&a with dd2

But I know I could not have done dd1's labour without an epidural and I have vowed to never be induced ever again.

I've been thinking about it.... Why do I feel proud of dd2's birth and not so much dd1's?

I still got my baby into the world and it wasn't even that bad I just wish I hadn't had the epidural (although I know I couldn't have done it without one)

You labour the way you labour. No-one expects you to be quiet or calm or well-mannered (except Scientologists!). I moo in labour. In one labour I did a lot of shouting, and a doctor came in and told me quite firmly to be quiet, but that was what I needed and her quiet stern-ness grounded me and I was OK. In another labour I yelled "Shut up!" at anybody who spoke to me during a contraction, and apologised between contractions. They clearly did not think that any apology was necessary.

I had a miserable first labour, and was appalled at my debrief to read that the midwife had written that I was 'unco-operative'! I had been doing my absolute best, I know I had. I had even suggested solutions to the things she was claiming that I was unco-operative about. There were many other issues with her and my labour.

I know that she was doing her best fir me, but her best was not my best and I guess that we were just not compatible. Your supporters and companions during labour have a big influence on how you labour.

In a subsequent labour I refused to let that midwife come anywhere near me. I had a vastly better labour, and the 'good' labour wiped away the distress of the 'bad' labour. It no longer upsets me. It just was, IYSWIM.

I don't think you have failed your dd, nor have you failed yourself. Perhaps you have failed to meet an arbitrary target that you unknowingly set for yourself. But be fair to yourself - it's a bit like feeling a failure as a mum because you have shrieked at your dc, and of course you were never going to do that (guess what I've just done?).

My eldest is 11, and when I look at him I sometimes realise that I, I carried him inside me, I grew this amazing creature, this almost-a-man. There is only one thing I can conclude: I have done something wonderful, that I and only I could have done.

I never remember the misery of his birth, and the sense of anger and failure that hung over me for months afterwards.

Look at your baby. You made her. You. Aren't you fantastic?

It too felt like a failure after i had my daughter and i found it so frustrating that no one seemed to understand how i felt.

In the beginning i had hoped for a home birth but nearer to the time i agreed to a hospital birth on consultants recommendation. I was still hoping to cope with gas and air only in hospital but was open to seeing what happened on the day.

My waters began to trickle on the Friday and i went in to hospital to be examined. I was only about 1cm dialated. They did a stretch and sweep at the time and i went home to return the next morning either in labour or to be induced. I was in constant pain immediately which seemed to settle into contractions over night. I was frightened and tired labouring overnight and opted to go to hospital early next morning.

I was very disappointed to find i was only 2cms on arriving. I enjoyed the next couple of hours labouring in the bath on gas and air and if things had continued like that all would have been good for me. I was then told repeatedly i wasn't progressing fast enough. I tried lots of things with the midwifes help to get things moving with no luck. Eventually i agreed to have the drip and couldn't decide what to do about pain relief but ended up with diamorphine. They struggled to get the levels right with the drip and contractions were either constant or too slow. I was still not progressing fast enough. I was very loud with every contraction and felt like an idiot afterwards.

As the pain relief wore off i asked for an epidural. By now i had been in labout for about 24 hours. Afterwards i felt like a complete failure for this. When i failed to progress beyond 7-8cms i was sent for an c-section early Sunday morning. Here my body failed me completely. Turns out my uterus was weakened by my endometriosis which caused it to rupture seperating the uterine artery. I bled out 3.5l. They had none of my blood in the hospital so had to bring the emergency blood in and call a consultant. It was heavy snow, he and the blood took ages to come. My daughter however was out safely. I saw her for a few minutes then turned away and said i couldn't focus on her. I couldn't, i could hardly manage to keep my eyes open to look at her. I will never forgive myself for this, i might as well have asked them to take her away, and that is what they did. I remember looking across the room at her with my DH and thinking i am going to die and i ought to give him a message for her but i wasn't even strong enough for that. I allowed myself to fall asleep on the operating table.

Eventually, 3 hours later they had successfully patched me up, woke me, transfered me to a trolley, placed my DD beside me and moved me to HDU. I was in a hell of a state. For the first few days i had to have help to do everything for her. I couldn't stand up to get her out of her cot, or change her, or dress her. All the things i should have been doing for her. In the following weeks and months i was so angry about this. I made an appointment for a debrief and was told that my pelvis was never going to fit a baby through it that is why labour was so slow and eventually stalled. A constriction band had formed because of this causing my DD to be stuck. They had to extend the incision to get her out and because of my endo the uterus was so brittle that it ruptured. I could try for more children but they could not quantify the risks of my uterus rupturing during pregnancy, i would be closely monitored and have an early c-section. Natural labour out of the question. For us the risks are too high so no more children. All of this only made me feel more of a failure.

I don't know what happened but lately i have started to 'forgive' myself for most of this. It's not my fault my body isn't up to delivering babies. I did however carry her successfully for 40+9 and deliver a very healthy 8lb12oz baby so i did something right there. I didn't let her down in theatre i was exhausted. I hadn't slept for 48 hours or more and had spent much of that in pain. I did manage against all odds to establish breast feeding with help and i did as much as i was physically able to do in the early days. I am not letting her down by not providing her with a sibling, i am doing the right thing by not risking my life to make sure that i will be around for her. I was not weak for opting for pain relief and it doesn't matter that i didn't fight harder to avoid the drip. The midwives were acting in my best interests and the outcome would have been the same anyway. OK so i wasn't the first to hold her, comfort her or dress her after she was born and that will always hurt. But her Dad did those things, not a total stranger and 4 hours after she was born i managed, with help, to breast feed and give her her first nourishment and get that all important colostrum into her. I am proud of that achievement. Despite what happened i produced my beautiful, now almost 2 years old daughter and in those 2 years i have been a fabulous mother to her. She won't care that i didn't give birth to her serenely at home in a birthing pool, all she will care about is that i love her with all my heart and always will and that is what i remind myself of whenever i start to beat myself up about what happened. I couldn't have changed it.

Sorry that was longer than i intended , i bviously needed to get that out

Childbirth is something that we are often led to believe we can control, but of course we cannot as there is never a guarantee of a textbook birth. We are all of us at the mercy of an unexpected hitch, and as metalelephant pointed out, without unplanned intervention many of us would not be mothers at all.

Labour is not something you can fail at - it`s not an exam and no one is judging you and marking you. We all have different ways of coping with the stress, and shouting is merely a way of evacuating some of the tension. Medical professionals have seen and heard it all before!

I had DS1 with gas and air, my other 2 DCs were born without any pain relief whatsoever (not my choice, but normal practice in the country where they were born). I have better memories of the first birth (12 hour labour) than of the other two 4 hour labours - all went well, but bloody hell, the pain!

I certainly dont feel I succeeded better at childbirth than anyone else because I gritted my teeth through it all. If I had to do it again I would have an epidural - by the time Id pushed my DCs out I was so worn out by the pain that I felt no joy or elation when they were born, just relief that the pain had stopped. I envy the young mothers I see on tv who are smiling and elated after giving birth with pain relief, I was just an exhausted wreck.

coconuts I think most hospitals provide de-briefs / birth reflection services. I loved mine, mainly because the nurse slagged off the PN care even more than me! That cheered me up no end .

I didn't have my session until DS was 12 months old so you should still be able to arrange one.

FWIW I didn't have a problem with my EMCS, just the PN care and I more than made up for that by giving them hell after my planned cs. I figured I wasn't going to have any more dc's so I couldn't care less if the midwives thought I was a snotty cow.

I was induced on my 1st at 41+2 weeks and over 12 hours later, I was in so much pain and It felt like nothing was happening, I begged for an epidural and instantly felt bad that I couldn't handle childbirth until 6 hours later when my baby got distressed and I was given an emerg c-sec due to the cord being around his neck, he was born healthy and fine but being induced and the almost instant pain and length of my labour left me scared so I chickened out of natural childbirth on my second and opted for the c-section which I truly regret and will never forgive myself for as I will never experience full vaginal childbirth

My cervix failed me, had to have an emergency c-section.

Congratulations on your new baby !!!!!!!!

I still feel bad that I sent my entire labour shouting JESUS at the top of my voice, rather than swear.

Afterwards I noticed my MW large crucifix around her neck

My cervix also massively failed me, ended up with emcs, blood loss although not as big as morelovetogive and all that entails. Still feel like a massive failure, doing counselling at the mo. Annakin is right in saying that we are very hard on ourselves, I just hope one day I can see the possitives that my body achieved rather than just the negatives.
And as for beign loud, when I was being induced i was quite proud of my large repertoire of expletatives, and my mw said she was actually looking forward to what I was going to say during transition... sadly I never got there