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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

How do you deal with pushy, unwanted visitors after the birth of your baby?

44 replies

findmeintheflowerbed · 30/08/2011 11:39

The subject line sounds really arsey, but I wasn't sure how else to put it...
I am due to give birth to DC2 in a few weeks, DD1 is 18 months old, so still needs a lot of attention and stuff doing for her (nappies, supervision etc).
When she was born we had many friends over to visit, who were mostly very considerate and it was nice to see them and to show off DD...however in hindsight I should have been sleeping or resting more, and so this time we have decided (well, it was my idea) that we will only have family visiting for the first couple of weeks.
My mum and MIL will (wonderfully) be here most of the time - to cook, clean and entertain DD - and basically help me with the boring necessities of the household so I can bond with DC2 and give DD enough attention. DH's circumstances are such that he won't get any paternity leave.

An old friend of mine is reacting very badly to my stance on visitors and thinks because she is such an old friend the rules don't apply to her...she's said that I'm her 'priority' when I have the baby...but I don't necessarily want to be, and I know her very well and know that she isn't like this and wasn't very helpful when I had DD. I really need her to back off.

I know people are excited about meeting a new baby - and don't get me wrong, I am very excited too and will want to see friends and show off my new DC...but I get so irritated by people assuming they can come over just to see the baby whenever they want. I remember the extraordinary exhaustion that comes with a newborn, and would really like to get my act and my head together before I am expected to host visitors.

OK. Rant over. Anyone else been in a similar position? Got any stories to tell?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LittleMissFlustered · 01/09/2011 22:41

Just before and ust after birth I allow myself to wear leggings. I hate them usually, but I feel they are well suited to the task of being comfy, and not in the least formal. I wore them and my tatty holey jumper for a solid week (with washing at night, I'm not that much of a slb ) after my son was born. Looked like a tramp, but a damned comfy one:) People knocking at the door used to make excuses and leave for the most part as I looked a mess

plupervert · 01/09/2011 22:46

I wish I could find some leggings which aren't cropped (grrr ) or wide legged (yoga-style) or too thin or some other crap characteristic.

sleepevader · 02/09/2011 03:20

I loved having visitors. We waited 4 days to text and say please all come over! Best friend came first then stayed when others arrived. It was good as meant it was done in one hit and they took cues from best friend about leaving! The only tricky thing was breastfeeding.

This time round will do something similar and if baby needs feeding will suggest they pop to park- 2mins walk away- with my ds and their Dcs.

Then the rest of the two weeks paternity will be just us and stepchildren visiting.

I can guarantee by the time that's over I will be gagging for some company - and luckily I know my friends are a help not hinderance.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/09/2011 16:21

I second the leggings....they hold your "undercarriage" nicely whilst being comfy. Got mine from M&S and Bodensee (maternity).

My other post-natal wear, good for visitors, has been a maxi-dress-style nightie from M&S (they don't sell it any more, sadly) with a tie-front cardigan over it. PILs were fooled into thinking I was up and dressed when they visited on day two. Wore it last night and when my Mum saw me this morning she was impressed that I was showered and dressed already .

PILs called earlier trying to gatecrash our first visitor-free weekend since DC2 was born a few weeks ago. I made DH call them back and tell them no. I want to stay in my pyjamas and nap when I want. DH didn't see the problem with his folks coming but I set him straight. Am feeling mean, but it's only a few days since they were last here and I can't be arsed making polite conversation.

MrsBloomingTroll · 02/09/2011 16:23

Not Bodensee, BODEN! Effing iPad!

LittleMissFlustered · 02/09/2011 20:40

Plu Tesco and asda do cheap and cheerful leggings. Both have them going into the fat bird range so should cover even te most determined bump. I'm mahoosive even without parasitic logers and can easily waddle about the place in a pair of them:)

MrsBT I tend to go for cocking iPad, just to annoy the iPad as it hates the word cocking. Glutton for punishment me

plupervert · 02/09/2011 21:27

Bugger, I was in a Tesco just today! I dare't go tomorrow; it will be mobbed. However, I'll check it next week; gold ol' leggings sound just the thing (as long as they are black ). Thank you!

LittleMissFlustered · 02/09/2011 22:50

Check out Tesco clothing online. You can shop on there, then get it delivered to the shop for nothing, and you pick it up from the direct desk when you have the time (within a fortnight is their rule). I did the schol uniform shopping this way. Sailing straight past all the people scrambling for orange trousers in a slim fit, long leg with sparkles

plupervert · 03/09/2011 09:04

I'd like to avoid "orange trousers in a slim fit, long leg with sparkles", so ordering ahead is probably the way to go, isn't it?!

Mrsfluff · 03/09/2011 09:14

I was like you Sofabitch, I loved having visitors (wish I'd given them stuff to do though), Although, my neighbour coming round, camera in hand, within 5 mins of our arrival home at 8pm, was unwanted - I looked bloody awful and was knackered!

Pippaandpolly · 04/09/2011 18:44

I'm worried because DH's father has told him he'll be at the hospital to 'keep him company'. Well, DH will be with me, my own mother isn't coming to the hospital, and I have no intention of letting FIL anywhere near me when I've just given birth! Gently told him this and he and his partner (who DH very politely loathes ) are clearly horribly offended and think I'm trying to keep them out. Not the case, but why would they think it's ok to show up at hospital while I'm in labour?!

sleepevader · 04/09/2011 18:48

PippaandPolly what you need to do is turn this on its head. Why do they feel its okay? Is it a generational things. Ie was the accepted standard in their day? Man pacing outside. Do they realise that its not that way no and labour wards dont have the room for waiting expectant grandparents?

Explain the hospitals visitors policy and the new developments in recongising skin to skin for first hour.

sleepevader · 04/09/2011 18:48

Blimey please excuse the typos!

MrsBloomingTroll · 04/09/2011 21:59

What sleepvader said. Plus talk a lot about hospital infections...

MrsBloomingTroll · 04/09/2011 22:08

sleepevader sorry, got your name right this time!

Cocking iPad!

LittleMissFlustered · 04/09/2011 22:35

I have found out how to disable the autocorrect, but I enjoy the irrational surges of rant I can get out of it, so have left it on. I think I need to get myself an iMasochist tee...

cowboylover · 04/09/2011 22:50

We refused all visitors at the hospital and for the 1st 2 weeks we where home including family except our parents once.

I was so tired after a traumatic birth and baby in neonatal for 4 days and it's exactly what we needed to bond, get to know each other and enjoy the time.

We said it everyone we needed time alone and 99% did understand but 3 months on my aunt is still not speaking to me.

If it's important to you do it as you never get those special days back and they will understand in the end

mumblejumble · 05/09/2011 01:04

Oh Gawd, I had an emergency c-section with ds2, MIL came round for three hours, and I kept disappearing off to breastfeed. She tolerated it, but wasn't pleased. She commented lots about her 'poor son' having to hoover and cook etc.
My oldest friend however, came round with her three rascals. i went into the bedroom to breastfeed, and she followed me. Her kids came too and jumped on the bed where I was gingerly sitting. I was in agony. She stayed for the entire day.
Now, my in-laws never come round uninvited, although they do try. I am just a bitch about it now. Mil has already taken to phoning me every two days to ask how my health is etc., and I'm only 32 weeks. She just wants to be the first to know the time of birth, etc.
I just mostly ignore it all now, don't answer the door unless I want to, and don't pander to anyone else's wants.

Pippaandpolly · 05/09/2011 10:20

It's amazing how nosy people are isn't it...

sleepevader I think it comes from an offer of genuine support - DH was born by C-section at a time where dads weren't allowed in the room so FIL spent the time pacing the corridors and worrying. He doesn't want DH to go through the same thing but we've explained that it's unlikely they'd kick DH out, unless something goes seriously wrong. I do appreciate him trying to help, I just wish he wouldn't be offended by the answer he gets!

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