theborrower You're very lovely. To be utterly clear, I'm no expert. I've merely been there.
Firstly, congratulations. Secondly, gosh you're still very much dealing with the immediate aftermath of the birth. It's early days and I think you can allow yourself to feel as fragile as you need to. Your hormones will still be up in the air.
There is no should about birth trauma. No way you should be feeling and no way you should be dealing with it. But there are lots of suggestions that might help. Most importantly, don't ever feel that you are ungrateful or ridiculous or silly for dwelling on it. You can have the most straightforward of deliveries and still be utterly floored by the whole thing. Your reaction to it is what it is and you should make no apologies for it.
I can tell you roughly what helped me...
Understanding what happened. Going to talk to the supervisor of midwives is a brilliant idea. Take lots of tissues and a list of questions. It is okay to cry, it is okay to struggle with talking about it. Go back as many times as you need to. Two things are quite important when going for this sort of debrief. One, finding out what actually happened and how decisions were made. There were bits of dd's birth that I thought I understood (and god was I angry/upset/traumatised by them) but when I talked to somebody and saw the notes, I could see that there were factors I was not aware of at all. And this helped reframe parts of it. I didn't feel so much of a bit player in the whole thing, having things done to me. I realised that a lot of what actually happened wasn't as random or futile as I'd thought. The other thing is that it's a chance for you to explain in a way that you couldn't at the time, what would have been better for you and more importantly, the midwife to acknowledge any mistakes they made. I have a written apology from my consultant and it helps to know that they understand where they went wrong. Be prepared for them not acknowledging things or disagreeing with you. It is okay and it doesn't mean you're 'wrong'. You don't have to back down, agree with them or forgive them. You're just there to tell them. As professionals they should listen and respond appropriately. Sadly, sometimes they don't. I hope you get a good 'un.
Talk about it. To anybody who will listen. Your partner, mum, friends, siblings, the birth trauma association if that's your kind of thing, a counsellor. It is okay to need to talk about it over and over again. It's very therapeutic to talk about it and know that people are listening.
Give yourself permission to say it wasn't the happiest day of your life. It doesn't mean you don't adore your baby with every fibre of your being. It doesn't mean that their crashing into existence isn't as monumental or brilliant as with dc1. Their births are separate events and your feelings about them are no reflection on your gratitude or ability to parent or anything else that you worry about in the wee small hours. The sadness you have about the day, the anger you feel about the way you were treated is separate to the way you feel about your baby and you have permission to feel sad about it.
PTSD or PND are common with traumatic deliveries. If you have nightmares or flashbacks, if it affects your day to day ability to deal with things, if you're not managing to deal with things or to process it, then there is no shame in talking to a mw/hv/gp and getting help. Don't let something that wasn't your fault rob you of any more than it should. There is help there if you need it.
Time. It gets so much easier with time. For months, perhaps years the feelings I had about the day dd was born were so all consuming that I didn't think I'd ever feel positive about it. And while a lot of the things above helped, time was the biggest healer. And this peculiar thing that happened over time where dd became a person in her own right. Her birth stopped being a story of my own unhappiness and more something we shared. Because she asks about it, of course she does, it's the day we met and when my wonderful, gregarious, curious girl asks me about that day, I talk about it in a way I never could before. I talk to her about how soft her skin was, I tell her what I whispered to her on the ward that night, I mimic the way she sneezed, I tell her the names of the midwives and doctors and suddenly, it's what it always was. It's the story of how we met and that in the end became so much bigger and brighter than all of the other feelings. It took a long time mind you and I am still sad and angry and guilty, but the prevailing feeling did change because I realised eventually I wasn't alone through it. DD was there too and it's a story we tell to each other.
It's such a visceral, raw reaction and it's more so in those very early days. The smallest of things bring it flooding back and you can't rationalise it. You want to be able to say 'well I'm fine, the baby's fine, no problem' but it sounds hollow. And it hurts. You wish it had been different and feel so utterly stripped by the whole thing. It doesn't stay this way. It gets better. I promise you. And you take the time to let it get better, you be gentle with yourself physically, make sure your iron levels are good, you're eating well, you're as rested as possible with a tiny baby. You are recovering in lots and lots of ways and I think physical and emotional recovery can go hand in hand. But neither can be rushed.
Finally, if you ever want anybody to talk to, I'm only ever a PM away. You can say what you want. I won't judge.
Congratulations on the birth of your little boy. Cuddle him lots and lots. Never, ever believe you did anything wrong. Labour and delivery is so steeped in chance and circumstance and so affected by those who are there to care for us during that time. If luck isn't on your side or you don't receive appropriate care then it's never for a moment your fault.
Take care
xx