Please help me decide what is best....

[robin3]

With DS1 I had quite a bad experience at my local hospital...basically all the staff (except the midwives) were really rude and no help at all. Looking back now I think that after his birth I was border line depressed for the first year as I placed myself under far too much pressure to get things right and I felt permanently exhausted.

Now I'm expecting No2....DS1 will be 2.5 when they are born. He's great and I want our relationship to be as strong as it is now so I'm reading all the books about Sibling Rivalry etc. Again probably worrying too much.

Anyway...I tried to change hospital and move to one which my friends had have great experiences at but they are full and I'm gutted. So what should I do?

1. Belt up and have the baby at the same hospital in the knowledge that the medical care will be great even if nothing else is.

2. Book myself in to a private birthing centre and use their post-birth care midwives to help me through the first 6 weeks.

3. Hire a Doula(?) who can help me to go to the hospital at the last minute and help me after the birth.

4. Hire a nightnurse (not sure what you call these people but I know people who've had them) who can simply help me to get more sleep.

I don't want to risk my relationship with my partner or my son second time around, so I'm feeling very emotional about this right now.

Sorry it's so long but I know that there are mums here who have used all of these types of services.

I can't make a decision for you, but I had my first two children in the same hospital and I have to say the experiences were completely different for a number of reasons. You cna't necessarily judge the hospital staff by your first experience. Anyway, you say they were unhelpful, but will you need as much help second time around?

Homebirth?

Hmmm a tough one here, conversely my first hospital experience was great and the second at the same hospital was dreadfully upsetting.

Knowing how daunted you must be to go back to the same hospital ( I wouldn't step foot in the Whittington even for an emergency tvs when I was still bleeding like a pig after 2 weeks, I went up the road to the Royal Free) I would be very tempted to hire a Doula if you can afford it. Then you know you have a friendly face.

Don't let one bad experience of a hospital put you off. It all depends on the staff at the time and will vary from each visit. Just because your friends had good experiences at one hospital doesn't mean you definitely will also.

I had my dd at a hospital which has a bad reputation amongst mothers who've delivered there. I found the service fantastic - all because i had an amazing midwife, we could've been in the north pole it wouldn't have mattered! the midwife is the same.

Home birth is the attractive option to me for second time round, as i like the idea of a) being in my own environment and b) less chance of nosey surgeons insisting i need a caesarian (which they did last time but thanks to my midwife refusing i did have dd naturally.)

I cannot help with decisions about 'hiring' help because personally i know i wouldn't want that.

I am sure you'll find that all your worries are 'normal' and don't mean that you are going to end up in a similar situation to last time. I wish you all the best xx

Can't get my head around a homebirth. What will I do with DS1?

For me this is less about wanting the most natural experience....I experienced what nature intended last time when really a little pain relief would have resulted in less trauma and exhaustion. I now see the birth as the start of 6 very challenging months and want it to be handled so my whole family can have the best start possible.

I have been through all these sorts of things in my mind as I remember those first months as being a dark time and want it to be so much better next time - and I'm not even pregnant yet, and I had a very good birth so I didn't have that trauma hanging over me.

I had a homebirth with an Independent Midwife who visited practically every day for the first 6 weeks and then a couple more times. She stayed for and hour or so each time and helped with the feeding and settling dd - she was a lovely lady. I don't know if you'd definitely get this sort of after care with the birth centre midwives because they will be constricted whereas my IM was able to be flexible. Check that out if you go down that route.
I think that a doula will be able to provide the same level of post-birth assistance but would be a lot cheaper and I think they may do things like cook for you (?? better check that though).
A doula needs to get a certain amount of experience before they are 'recognised' and until that time they only charge expenses. This might be a cheaper option for you, and you can still consider the night nurse option if you think you want extra support.

Have you thought about other practical things like getting a cleaner in?

Another thing I am thinking about is to get dd established part time in a nursery so that when the time comes she has continuity and I have a bit of one on one time with the new baby (and maybe a chance to rest in the day). Would you consider that?

Best wishes.

Ok...now you've shamed me. I work f/t so DP looks after DS and he goes to nursery 3 days a week. Also have a cleaner.

I will have to return to work 3 months after the birth and this compounded my exhaustion last time and is perhaps at the root of why I want this to be a happy time. I spend 3 hours with DS each day before work and at his bedtime, and all weekend, so time is limited and I don't want this time to be compromised by my feeling too tired or tearful.

robin3, you ask "What will I do with DS1?" pretty much whatever you'd do for a hospital birth

I suggested it not because of the "natural" aspect but because friends who've had one say it was very relaxing and fabulous being able to have the same midwives throughout the birth, shower/bath in your own bathroom and get into your own bed.

Does your return to work have to be specifically when baby is 3 months? I am guessing that is a big factor in your worries, and perhaps if you could leave your return to work date 'open' then you don't have that added pressure.
Am i remembering correctly that you only have to inform you employer one month before the date you wish to return? If so, then wait until you've had the baby and baby is 2mths old before you think about returning to work.
You could reduce cleaner and nursery fees to save money you should be earning if required.

My plan with DS1 was to keep him at home and have my Mum come and stay....causing him minimum upheaval...but I could consider moving him to her.

Time off isn't flexible. I'm the wage earner and really lucky that I get 3 months off on full pay otherwise we'd be bankrupt.

Sounds like I need to do more investigation in to Doulas and try to find a tailor-made solution and a fantastic individual. Being a doula is a pretty amazing career to choose so I guess the chances are they're all saints.

I think there are a few things here.

First - worries about the birth. What specifically is the worry? Unfriendly midwives? Quality of Care? Not getting the pain relief you want? I think the answer to your question depends on what is worrying you.

Second - the weeks after the birth. It sounds like you're worried about being exhausted and not managing to have a decent quality of time with DS? Can your partner help with night feeds? If not, go for the night nanny if you can afford it. Does your partner work? Can he help out with your newborn during your mat leave so you can have your time with DS? Can your mum help a bit? What about a part time nanny?

Do you also think you might find the newborn stage a bit easier this time round? If you're anything like me you'll be used to much less sleep than first time.

Hi robin3. Like you I'm also considering all my options. Had an emergency cs 5 years ago with dd, wnat the least traumatic/distressing experience possible this time. Like you I am the breadwinner (something that is rarely considered by all the 'birthing experts' I find. No nct in my area - sw london - do any evening or weekend refresher classes!).
Looked at Brith Centre in Tooting and have contacted independent midwives and doulas. Thought Birth Centre a bit over priced for what you get. Who cares if Davina McCall went there?!The rooms are very small. DH suggested we get a midwife and book a suite at Claridges instead!! Problem with private midwives/doulas is that I wish I had a personal recomendation. Spoke to a doula - very nice - but she had only done 5 births and no vbacs. A bit worrying. What have you looked into so far?

Crickey...we're living parallel lives tongey!

I too have looked in to the Tooting Birth Centre and had exactly the same thoughts about good old Davina. I've no desire to be precious about it...who cares if there's carpet!

I think having had the initial panic about St Georges, I can cope with this again if I know that I was going to have some help on the night of the birth and afterwards. My problems at St Georges were being ignored when we arrived even though I couldn't stand, being turned away which then led to an emergency situation, then the night staff were really rude to everyone and I nearly got out of bed to complain about the way they'd talked to one of the mothers. Finally they make you all queue for lunch and one poor woman who'd stood for 10 mins then got told off for taking fruit and a pudding! We had a giggle about it but in my head I was thinking where the hell do they get these people. That said the midwives and doctors were great and I trust them completely. I'd also say that quite probably my experience this time will be different but if it's not I want to get out hours after the baby is born.

DP is great but last time I got in to the dark exhausted place and started to hate him. I always got up in the night with DS because it was quicker than waking him. I just don't think he read the situation well. This time is different as well because DS1 will be in the middle of it all.

Bottom line is that I will work until the baby arrives and I have to be able to go back and do my job well. I just feel that a little experienced help would be good. My Mum is great but last time she seemed to add to my problems by offering lots of views about the irrelevant and demonstrating no practical skills whatsoever.

The maternity nurse thing seems a little intense for us....we live in a london terrace so we'll end up tripping over each other! So all in all I think some saintly doula is just the ticket but like you I've got to find one that can cope with me .

Pinogrigio...I'm very much hoping things will be easier this time because at least I've changed a nappy now...I'd never even held a baby before DS1. That said lots of people have said that it's much harder this time around so I'm expecting the worst.