Terrified of childbirth (and a big baby) but desperately want to be a mum

[boden83]

I feel a fraud posting here because I'm not actually pregnant yet but the reason for posting is actually the reason why I'm not pregnant.

I'm 30 and my entire life I have been terrified of childbirth (after a bad examination as a young child). It's affected my entire life and I always swore I would never have children.

After years of counselling & therapies (which never cured the fears) I realised how much I do want a baby. It's all just fear of childbirth that is stopping me. I'm not at all afraid of pain of childbirth. It's all about doctors & examinations & intervention. I have never been able to let a doctor examine me since that bad incident 20 years ago and the thought alone makes me go into a panic attack. The only person who I can let go near me is my husband and that took years.

I came to the realisation I had two options - take out a loan for a private c section (I know from my doctors unsupportive response & the big cutbacks at my local hospital that the chances of me getting a c section on the NHS is so unlikely) .....or I could try hypnobirthing and request minimal intervention etc (hoping that the hypnosis would keep me calm enough to allow that).

But one concern I've always had is the fact I'm only 5'1 and my husband has and was born with a large head. Sounds silly but it's a real fear because he, his brother, his mum & his grandad all have big heads so it's obviously genetic. I tried to convince myself I would be fine but at the weekend my MIL (who doesn't know about my phobia) told me she was in hospital for ages after both her births because she tore badly due to their head size!

I'm now in a real panic & can't see anyway of facing birth without a c section (and the debt that will go with it).

If I could be promised a birth that would be intervention free I could face it. But I know nobody can promise that & the thought of doctors touching me or damage being done down there is giving me nightmares.

I feel like I have nowhere to turn and no options. If I don't have children I will be so sad......if I pay for a csection I will have debt & may be seen as a coward....or I can risk a natural birth and face the possibility of being mentally scarred forever. 9 months of living in terror.

Has anyone else ever has these fears? Am I crazy? I just want to be a mum. These fears are ruining my life.

I think you made absolutely the right decision. The thing is, there is no guarantee a labour/birth will go well - no amount of thinking beautiful thoughts will do it. (I had my second baby at home, by the way, I'm not always pro-hospital births!). And that is a risk you can't take.

I agree that you need to do whatever is right for you and remember that sometimes you do need to push doctors to do the right thing for you - be a strong advocate for yourself.

Even though you've made the decision to try for the ELCS I do hope you'll consider hypnotherapy as well. Living in fear is a horrible thing and hypnotherapy is a way of getting to the bottom of things whilst also helping you stay relaxed and calm. Completely ignoring the issue of giving birth for now, wouldn;t it be wonderful to overcome your fears just for your own wellbeing?

I was very scared of the idea of childbirth (terrified of medical intervention, being out of control etc - I got completely hysterical when awaiting my wisdom tooth removal op a couple of years ago, made myself very ill) and then I started to look into hypnobirthing.

I haven't even had the course yet (baby's not due till January) but the second I booked it I felt this weight lifting off me because now I have a strategy - even if I don't end up having the natural birth I am hoping the hypnobirthing will help me with, then at least I will be able to stay calm and relaxed in the event of an intervention. For me the C Section is the most terrifying thought!

Good luck with everything - I wish you the very best experience.

i have 4 children and have experience of sections. you are much more exposed with a section . !!!!! lot of people in theatre, etc

Ugh, boden isn't it awful when people just DON'T understand that you can't 'just get over it'? My needle phobia was 20+ years standing and very deeply ingrained. I could sit and hold a conversation very rationally with someone about how I knew that it wouldn't really hurt that much, that it was necessary, that (if it was an injection) it would be for my own benefit and it would be fine. As soon as it was a real thing that needed to be faced though - the SECOND the needle came out of the wrapper, the arms were folded across my chest and I'd start lashing out to keep the needle away. Never had a problem watching other people have injections/blood tests - it was only ever if the needle had my name on... Allllll that waffle comes down to: I couldn't make anyone understand that there was a logical side of my brain that was fine with the whole idea, that would put up with it and cope - and the EVIL TWIN PHOBIC SIDE that turned me into a gibbering wreck.

It helped that my dad's scared of heights and my mum's scared of flying - so whenever they were going on about the phobia I just brought up theirs. Is there nothing any of your family's scared of? I find that hard to believe! It may not be as deep rooted or debilitating but it might help them see where you're coming from, and you're more likely to cope with it if you have their support, not their ridicule. They're bound to be frustrated: YOU'RE frustrated! But they need to keep that to themselves more to help you.

I hope you would get the help you need on the NHS and don't have to go privately - it IS a lot of money when I see no reason why the NHS wouldn't help you. It might be worth seeing if you can get your GP (or your new one) to ask the community midwife to give you a call under the circumstances to talk things through. Better to have that chat before taking out the loan and finding out you don't need to!

Just to add something -

Because consultant and MW etc were aware of the reasons for my CS, they could plan sensitively around my fears and 'trigger points' (in as far as we knew what they were) -

So a catheter was not inserted until I was fully anaesthetised, the curtain they put across you was already up - I felt and knew nothing about it. People respected my personal space, were polite and asked consent for everything they did - I didn't feel 'exposed' in a way I was uncomfortable with at all. I had been told how many people to expect in a theatre, and what their role was - no students were allowed - the atmosphere was really lovely, in fact - relaxed, chatty, caring. I couldn't have asked for better. The anaesthetist was fantastic at keeping me informed, monitoring how I was etc.

I would agree with those posters who suggest that learning relaxation techniques etc is handy. I've done basic meditation and yoga for years, and breathing and visualisation helped me a lot while I was waiting for my slot in theatre, and during the op.

And you will in all likelihood get a few stupid and ignorant comments from people about an elective CS. I liken it to people who've never experienced depression just not 'getting it'. The kind of person who tells a depressed person to 'get over it' or 'we all get down in the dumps sometimes!' is the kind of person who will make insensitive or occasionally bitchy comments about it, frankly. (mind you, if you are open about the fact you have an elective CS, you might find you get women approaching you in private asking you how you 'got it'. That's a weird one! Public and private attititudes to CS's vary a lot, IMO. But that's a whole other discussion).

I'm sure people deal with it all in different ways. I tend to just keep my mouth shut and smile. I got the birth I needed, and I've got my baby, and I'm healthy and grateful for it.

PS Trina, very good description of living with a phobia! Perfectly rational side plus evil twin phobic side, I recognise that.

You can have an elcs.

But always better to try and find a way to get through phobias, via cbt, psychotherapty, aversion therapy, hypnotherapy, if at all possible.

Being free of a phobia helps you to live a better life.

i agree it would be great if psychological help could make the phobia go away, but if OP has tried that, and if the phobia (presumably) has no impact on her everyday quality of life, i am of the view why stress yourself out by trying to put yourself through a vaginal birth when there is another option?

Just give yourself a break and 'allow' yourself to have a section. It sounds like you are heaping a load of pressure on yourself that you really don't need. Pregnancy is stressful enough! - don't make it harder than it needs to be!

Having a section is in no way at all failing or giving up - in your situation it would be a pragmatic, informed decision that would enable you to become a happy, unstressed mum. good luck.

I am 5' 4" and my ds2 had a 38cm head at birth!

Its your body. Its your life. Its your baby.

If your dh supports your decision and you can financially manage a private cs then have one, whilst reading up on and understanding the increased risks and then making an informed decision.

Good luck to you.

I had/have tokophobia and I got an ELCS because of it - it was easy, actually.

Boden, minus the counselling your OP could have been written by me. I dithered about getting pg for years (my fears were tearing, damage to the baby and horrible midwives withholding pain relief).

Finally took myself off for a chat with our practice nurse, who promised that the local maternity unit was brilliant, no-one would ever deny me pain relief and epidurals were fabulous.

She was entirely right on all counts.

C-section is def the way to go for you if that's what makes you feel able to do this, but having been in your shoes - and having since had two DSs - I can say I was fine after the natural (well, induced) birth and glad I could get up and about and drive and everything.

And after DS2, an emergency c-section, I was relieved to have my baby safe and the recovery was absolutely fine.

Not sure what the central point of this is, other than I've been where you are and now have two beautiful sons without having gone into labour or had one proper contraction . It is entirely possible! Good luck with whatever you decide.

It is entirely true that life without a phobia is better than life with a phobia. Without a doubt.

But sometimes counselling or therapy, of whatever kind, doesn't get you far enough to where you need to be - even if it works to some degree, and helps you.

You can only deal with the hand you are given, and while I would very much like never to have been through childhood abuse and been landed with a good deal of difficulty as a result of it, I can't change that. A fair bit of counselling and therapy has helped a good deal with depression and other anxiety problems - but it's not a magic wand. It's entirely possible to be better than you were pre-counselling - but still some way off being 'fixed.' This is true of depression and phobia. And if you take birth phobia - you could spend a while getting to the point where you could stay in the room while images of birth were played on screen, or someone described their experiences. You could look at pictures of birth without having a panic attack. That would be great progress - but it would still leave you light years away from being able to contemplate giving birth yourself.

It's also the case that addressing something like a crippling and deepseated lifelong phobia can take a while. I was in my late 30s by the time I became desperate for a baby. I didn't have time. Of course, I should have addressed the problem earlier. Of course. But people often don't seek help for crippling emotional and mental problems, which carry a stigma, and which involve having to discuss things which terrify them.

I say this as someone who has benefited a good deal from counselling and mental health support of various kinds. It can be very helpful, but it's not a magic wand.

I'm going to get off this thread now, because it's all very emotive territory for me, and I don't know how much that's relevant, or helps the OP.

If anyone wants to PM me, then please go ahead.

I am the same size as you and also had a fear of a big baby with a big head (also have a husband with a huge head ) To complicate things further, I am also diabetic and therefore more likely to have a big baby and will never have the option of water births, mobile labours, etc.

Anyway, I was very vocal about my fears of forceps, etc. but kept getting fobbed off by consultant, midwife, etc. Would you believe it, I actually did end up with a baby with a huge head? Head measuring off the charts at 32 week scan...

Eventually the consultant relented when I explained that I felt sure I had no chance of getting the baby out when he was that big, I was this big, I had no chance of being mobile, etc. and booked me for an elcs. I am not against doing things naturally, I bf for a year. I really do think labour would have ended bdly for me.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that you have a very good case for requesting an elcs. Your fears are real and valid, don't let anyone tell you they are not.

ended badly