Someone tell me what to do about post-birth counselling?

[working9while5]

Hi there

I gave birth to ds 18 months ago (nearly). I was term +13, waters broke spontaneously at term + 12 and I went home but never started to contract with any regularity (had been in latent labour for about a week at this stage with ctx sometimes getting to 5 mins apart for 20-30 minutes and then just dying away).

I was induced in hospital using a synto drip when 1-2 cms (no regular contractions, no pain). Got the epidural 6 hours later about 5 cms because I'd had a really, really horrible VE in the morning when I came in and I was finding the lack of mobility very hard going. Started to push 14 hours after drip started but nothing really happened and after an hour and a half they realised that ds hadn't turned and was stuck.

I went to theatre and was prepped for c-section but ds was delivered by Kielland's Forceps. I have very hazy memories of this as I was shaking and throwing up but when he came out he had an Apgar score of 6 and I didn't see him for a few minutes and didn't see his face until we went back to the room. I didn't see a midwife after that.

The night I stayed in hospital was the worst night of my entire life. I couldn't get him to latch on and the midwife there was just absolutely horrible. She was very aggressive with me and shouted at me again and again when I said it hurt: "it's supposed to hurt, you silly girl". I couldn't move (catheter) but she got cross with the "mess" I had made (dropping wipes). I was told I wasn't allowed change ds on the bed but I couldn't get out of bed and she had a blue fit with me for calling for her to help me get him. I ended up sobbing for hours over my poor, bruised SCREAMING baby just saying "sorry, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this" again and again. I will never forget his cries. I tried so bloody hard to feed him but it was so, so hard because I couldn't really sit upright or work out what to do with my arm and he kept pulling his head back to scream at me. I often wonder if he was in pain from the forceps.. he was very badly burned and bruised to the extent I wouldn't take any pictures of him for the first few days except in black and white and I felt HUGE guilt every time I looked at him.

It took nine months for my pelvis to recover from the forceps and in the early days I was in horrendous pain. I couldn't sit fully upright for nearly a month.

I want another child now. I wanted one six months ago, really.. but I am nervous about going through all this again. I have kind of pushed the whole thing out of my mind for a long time but getting pg again (if I'm lucky enough to) will just make it so much worse.

I keep telling myself it's silly - I have a gorgeous ds, all's well that ends well etc, he was alive and healthy etc.. what does it matter? So many people are not as lucky as I am.. but.. the fear is there whether I like it or not.

So I am wondering what to do about it?

I'm so sorry to hear you had such a bad experience and you do need to get some resolution. Post-natal care in this country is really inadequate and it only takes one person with the wrong attitude to completely destroy any confidence in yourself.
Your hospital will have a Birth Afterthoughts service which is usually really helpful- there should be a number on the web-site. That will give you the opportunity to go through your last labour and delivery and address a lot of your concerns and help with planning the next one.
FWIW you are very unlikely to have a similar experience as you are much more likely to have a more straightforward labour and unassisted delivery second time round. Hopefully you won't even need an overnight stay. The feeding etc will also be easier as you've done it before.
Good luck and I hope you get to the stage where you feel happy and confident going for number 2!

Hi working. That sounds utterly horrific. Of course you have been and still are traumatised. Of course you are scared and worried. I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. None of what you are feeling is silly. We are capable of feeling more than one emotion and you can feel both delighted at your DC's existence and shocked and sad at the way he came into this world. I also had a traumatic VB and 7 months on my birth injuries are still being diagnosed and investigated. The day my DD was born is both the most wonderful and one of the most terrifying and horrifying days of my life. I love her dearly - the months since her birth have been the most fulfilling and the most desperate and wretched of my life.

I think there are several things that you can do to help yourself heal. Firstly, there's a lovely bunch of us here who will be here for you and support you (might be a bit quiet over the Bank Holiday weekend though). Secondly, have you thought about birth trauma counseling? If your GP is sympathetic and you have a good relationship with him/her could you ask for a referral? You could also try the Birth Trauma Association - they have a lot o resources you might find helpful. www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
Other people on similar threads have spoken highly of Sheila Kitzinger and her Birth Crisis Network www.sheilakitzinger.com/birthcrisis.htm.
Have you thought of asking for a post birth debrief at your hospital? This is where you go through your notes with a MW and have a chance to ask whatever questions you feel you need answered. I haven't been for one yet (too early for me!) but other women here have said it's really helped them to understand why what happened happened the way it did, as well as to put across their own point of view about how things turned out.

I think you have an excellent case for an ELCS, if that is something that you might want. Could you talk to your GP about this? Some women here have raised the issue of ELCS before TTC with a consultant at the hospital where they would be giving birth were they to have another baby. Not suggesting that you should have ELCS rather than going for another VB - so hope I haven't offended you!

It's great that you are thinking of TTC - that is a massive step and you should be proud of yourself! Good luck XXX

Massive empathy, that sounds totally horrific, poor you and your adorable little boy.
I just have no concept of how poor natal care can be in this country. But the powers that be clearly just Don't Care enough.

I had a horrible mw for my dd, we completely fell out with one another and weren't speaking by the time dd was born. i really think she was shockingly ill equipped to be a mw. She was so mean and lacking in compassion. So glad you are fine. Do what ever it takes to purge yourself of these memories. If you are explicit in your birth plan about your previous experience and right to the head of the hospital you should get better treatment.