Birthing partners

[gran1]

My first grandchild, a little girl, is due in June. Very exciting.
My daughter and son in law have asked me to be present at the birth, for support. I am honoured and delighted but realise that having your mum/mil present could be slightly problematic in the even and wondered if anyone has any advice?

I think if they want you there, go for it. Just ensure that you know what is in their birthplan and enjoy the experience.

Congratulations!

Hi gran1!

Congratulations on your first grandchild - not long now.

How wonderful to be asked to be at the birth - your daughter and son in law must really value your support.

I'm a doula, so used to being an additional support to the birth partner. Here are a few things to think about. Sorry it's long, but hopefully some bits will be useful.

1. Maybe worth thinking through your own births beforehand and trying not to bring your own experiences (especially any negative aspects) with you. e.g. if you found labour very painful and wanted an epidural straightaway try not to start encouraging your daughter to take pain relief if she isn't asking for it.

There might be quite different attitudes/ideas/bits of kit etc. than when you had your baby/s - if you can embrace these rather than be suspicious that will help build your daughter's confidence.

1. Sit down and talk to your son in law and daughter about what they want from you at the birth. How do they see your role? Are you comfortable with that?

1. Ask to see the birth plan and go through it with them so that you understand exactly what they want and why.

1. Ask them about the antenatal classes they've been doing and find out what tools they are planning to use to cope with the sensations of labour. Find out how you can help your daughter employ these, especially at those tough moments when labour goes up a gear. A TENS machine, relaxation exercises, breathing etc?

1. Something I've noticed with grans (and actually in fact with the woman in labour's husband) is that some of the things women do naturally to cope with labour (rocking, swaying, moaning, roaring even, making weird noises, disappearing in to a world of their own) can be really difficult to cope with. It can seem as if the person you know and love is going through something so awful and they sort of disappear from you. Actually, a lot of the time, they are coping well it's just that what they are doing to cope looks like they are in distress.

Saying that, if you notice a real descent in to panic/distress (e.g. she may have been swaying and moaning through contractions, but suddenly starts crying and screaming) then try and remind her gently of the coping techniques and change something about the environment (position, take a bath, get in the shower)

1. Try, if you can, not to coach too much. If you are trying to get your daughter to breathe slowly and calmly, or make nice long,low noises rather than high-pitched panicky ones you could try just gently doing these yourself close to her e.g. stand next to her and breathe slowly. She will soon match your breathing and if she doesn't you can softly say 'slow your breathing' once. There's nothing worse than someone shouting 'keep breathing, breathe slowly, relax, relax' for making you feel tense.

1. Find out a bit about the hormonal process of giving birth. What helps a woman release the hormones she needs to have contractions? What hinders that? If you can have a good knowledge of this you can be a guardian of her space and try and keep the environment one that will help. In a nutshell a woman needs quiet, privacy, not much talking/questioning, not many people watching, to be allowed to employ whatever she instinctively wants to do t cope with the sensations of labour. A couple of useful links to read here:

hackneydoula.co.uk/?p=88 www.mothernurturedoulas.com/page4.htm

1. If labour is slow to get going, stalls a bit, or progresses slowly (and mother and baby are doing well) it may just be that the couple need a bit of space. This is something I do with the couples I'm working with: get everything nice and calm, suggest they spend a bit of time together being quite and cuddling while you go and get a coffee/read the paper for an hour. Let the MWs know the couple would like a bit of privacy and quiet time.

1. Trust your instincts. If you think something might help your daughter (pressure on her lower back), singing through the contractions, privacy etc. then gently suggest it/start doing it.

10. Enjoy!

Squigglywiggler
Thank you so much for this - so so helpful and so kind of you to take so much care and time over your reply.

Thank you for your good wishes!

No problem!

PM me if you need anything else

As a midwife my advise would be to be supportive, you'd be amazed by how many 'birth partners' simply sit around, not talking, constantly going out for fags, texting and even winding poor labouring woman up on purpose.
Find out what to expect in advance so that the blood/fluid/general mess doesn't take you by surprise.
Find out exactly what it is that the woman is wanting you there for, what she is expecting of you even if it is just that you be kind to her.

DP and I had my mum at the birth of DC1...she was a god send! After 40hrs of labour she and DP really bonded too.
My mum is also a nurse so has a great caring nature anyway but tbh my partner was useless so mum took over all the practical stuff like wiping sweat off forehead!
DC2 due in 3 weeks and planned a homebirth with just my mum this time...we decided DP would be more use elsewhere!

This is all very helpful and reassuring. I will certainly find out what they want and reikizen's advice about the mess is great - I hadn't thought of that!

I had my mother and DH at my first (and only so far) - I could not have done it without my mother, she was very supportive where as DH just didn't know what to do (can't really expect him to either as he'd never been through it), don't think I would have managed nearly as well if I didn't have my mother there with me for DC1.

My mum was at the birth of my first child on 5April. It was fab to have someone to support DP as well as me! She was the one who got things out of my bag, fetched extra bottles of water, took over when DP went to the loo (labour was 13 hours, 8 of which were in hospital and men's loos were miles away!). Mum was also my advocate and when stirrups arrived she was key to explaining why I was refusing them (I have hip problems).

After the birth she held my hand and described DP holding our son for the first time to distract me while I was being stitched. She also helped me breastfeed for the first time and encouraged me when DS wouldn't latch at first. She also took pictures of DP holding the baby for the first time as I couldn't see what was going on while I was being stitched. I treasure those pictures.

I was reticent about having her there as I am normally a bit of a prude about my nakedness but she was wonderful as she was doing all the practical stuff and her presence helped DP stay calm as he knew he had backup.

gran1 you sound like a lovely MIL! Good luck!

Oops I meant mum/MIL!

I had my first baby a month ago and basically agree with everything SquigglyWiggler wrote!

I think it is important that you understand your daughter's birth plan and ask lots of questions about their antenatal classes. If possible, perhaps you could even attend one or two of the (free) hospital antenatal classes with them?

I also recommend giving your daughter and SIL privacy at regular intervals so they can have a cuddle and some quiet time.

And don't take it personally if your daughter to ask you to leave/be quiet/not touch her during labour. When I was having contractions, I didn't want my partner to touch or talk to me! There was simply too much happening in my body and I couldn't handle the extra stimulation. In between contractions was when I wanted encouragement/touch.

My husband was a fabulous birth partner for the following reasons:

• he was organised
• he was calm
• he was encouraging/loving
• he knew when to leave me alone

Anyway, enjoy it. It is a blast!!

I had my first baby a month ago and basically agree with everything SquigglyWiggler wrote!

I think it is important that you understand your daughter's birth plan and ask lots of questions about their antenatal classes. If possible, perhaps you could even attend one or two of the (free) hospital antenatal classes with them?

I also recommend giving your daughter and SIL privacy at regular intervals so they can have a cuddle and some quiet time.

And don't take it personally if your daughter to ask you to leave/be quiet/not touch her during labour. When I was having contractions, I didn't want my partner to touch or talk to me! There was simply too much happening in my body and I couldn't handle the extra stimulation. In between contractions was when I wanted encouragement/touch.

My husband was a fabulous birth partner for the following reasons:

• he was organised
• he was calm
• he was encouraging/loving
• he knew when to leave me alone

Anyway, enjoy it. It is a blast!!

I think this is a lovely thread. I dont speak to my mum, havent now for years. I'm due in around 4 weeks and my birth partner is my DH. This is his first and i have been in hospital a few times with some false calls..he just sits there and says nothing!!! i am dreading the real thing. Last night i was up having real bad braxton hicks walking around the bedroom, he didnt even wake!!!
I know he is loving and that he will try his very best....just nervous would be nice to have someone whos been through it before but i suppose it will be a moment to remember!!!

gran1, I'm going to be in your position in July - I'm so excited. What brilliant advice, I'm taking it all on board. Please keep us posted.

Savannah, tell your DH to read this thread!

My mum was there when I had both of my children. And when my sister had my niece, the room was full! She had her husband, me and my mum there.

We both agree we couldn't have done it without her. It'll be an amazing experience for you all :)

Thank you for all your wise words. PipPipPip, I have particularly taken on board your advice about privacy. We have discussed this and I am prepared for this, and especially for the fact that she could well not want to be touched. It's so long since my own experience that those sorts of details have rather faded away.
SavannahRose I'm sure your DH will be overwhelmed by awe and amazement at your power to bring a new life into the world and will do whatever you need him to do!
Off for a tour of the hospital with the parents to be tomorrow, and counting down the weeks!

Mu daughter dosent want me there I'm hurt but understand she just wants her husband. She's quite prude so I m trying not to take it to heart as for some people it's a very private experience.

Does your daughter want you in the labour room when she gives birth? My daughter only wants her husband. Thats normal I'm guessing so why do I feel abit hurt?

@Uglykidjoethe baby in this thread is likely to be a teenager now.

You might want to start your own thread to get some more responses. Maybe in the Chat section as it’s a bit busier in there?

But yes, lots of women only want their DP at the birth, including me. We did take the baby straight to my DParents house though when we lift the Hospital but they did live on the way.

You and hubby support each other too. Sometimes you do need a bit of air or a walk just to recenter yourselves. Swap off those times so you keep each other at optimum level.
Labour can go on and on. It isn't always inappropriate for birth partners to have a nap. Another good reason to have 2 of you. The birth partners can really prop each other up and it can bring a whole new dimension to the MIL/SIL relationship that can be really beautiful to watch.

Bloody heck the baby is indeed 14!