How to get over the sense of failure after emcs.

[knittakid]

Hi, ds is 6 weeks today, he was induced at term+15 after a very straightforward and enjoyable pregnancy. My cervix was very posterior, but had been moving forward and was completely effaced, after the pesary got to 4 cm and stopped dilating, he was back to back and the cervix was getting swolen. My waters had been broken by a brute of a mw when only 1cm dilated, given synto and then the whole 'cascade of interventions'.
He was born on day 17, 9lbs 11oz and the obs. said that with his size and position he wouldn't have come out normally.
We were given time to make the decision of the cs, it was terribly painful due to my obsession to prove my female family wrong (99% cs rate) but at that time there were signs of distress in the monitors, so I swallowed and agreed.
Thanks for reading this much.
After the initial issue of not being sure if I had 'given birth', and accepting motherhood as a life-long process independent of pushing a baby out into the world, I still re-live the whole thing everyday. I hate my body, specially 'down there', and don't know how to forgive it. We didn't want another baby, but I keep thinking about it just to 'try' again, which is not a good reason to bring a child into the world, and having only dilated to 4 cm I would probably fail again. I wish I could just enjoy my lovely boy instead of thinking about how much I wanted to give birth to him, normally, like so many women and animals.

You are not a failure. You have a lovely healthy baby who would be dead or seriously damaged if you hadn't had the CS. I don't want to patronise you by saying that your worries have been brought on by PND but please speak to your health visitor or GP about it all. Lots of women, including me, have cs and I know how much emphasis is placed on having a perfect, natural birth, but really the point of it all is to have a baby, not textbook birth.

You are the same as I was .....I felt the exact same way and I dis go on to have 2 more children and ended up having a c section both times.

I think whilst your baby is so young and your hormones and your emotions are all over the place its easy to become 'fixated' on things.

You didnt fail.
You have a happy healthy (huge) baby.
You can have other babies you can try vaginal delivery.

This time for this baby you made the best decision,my ds1 was actually not breathing and thought to be brain damaged and to have cerebral palsy because I was told to keep pushing when clearly a c section was needed.

You will get past this,in time it will become a 'lesser issue' bcos as babies grow how they got to be here really becomes quite insignificant.

I had a very similar experience to you so understand exactly how you feel. I can't say the feelings go away completely but they do fade so that it's not something you think about all the time. I do tend to get upset when I hear people talk about their natural birth experiences (unreasonable I know) but otherwise it becomes less of a focus.

I know that I'm lucky both my child and I were healthy but it didn't help at all when people told me that and in a way made it worse although I know they're just trying to help. Your feelings are valid regardless. I think there's also an aspect of it that's due to your body and mind going through the full journey of pregnancy and then having the baby but feeling like the giving birth piece in the middle was missing and it's hard to fill that gap emotionally.

Anyway sorry for such a long reply, just wanted to say I do understand.

I know how you feel, i had two vaginal deliveries followed by a 3rd emcs traumatic birth.
Ds2 is now 18 months, and i am starting to feel better, but for over a year i felt very guilty about making the cs decision (same as you failure to progress, baby in odd position, posterior cervix etc etc) but as time goes on and he gets older and is o much fun i forget how he got here and how ill i was. Im just glad hes here and that hes fab.
Maybe your gp could help, i was diagnosed with ptsd and am still on meds which have worked wonders.
It does get better, i proise

Congratulations. It will get better.

DD is 15 months and I am finally coming to terms with my emcs. It's gutting to have to endure an excruciating 24 hour labour only to have a c-section anyway, especially when you will inevitably be hearing other mums' positive birth stories.

6 weeks really isn't very long at all and time will heal, I promise. You have been through an awful lot, so look after yourself. You have NOT failed! You have been through a serious surgical procedure and survived with a gorgeous baby to show for it.

Be kinder to yourself ;)

OP - Have you spoken to your HV or Doctor about how you are feeling? I had an EMCS and terrible problems trying to establish BFing, and felt like such a big failure - not only as a mum, but also thought "what is wrong with me [my body]?". I felt disconnected from the experience, kept going over things in my mind and was feeling really anxious etc, before I asked my doctor if there was someone I could talk to and I was referred to the local pnd service for counselling, which I am still having and finding really really helpful. It's not uncommon to feel the way you do, so don't go thinking that you're alone. But I do think you need to talk about it. Please don't bottle it up and suffer alone. And please don't think you're a failure - you're not. You've been through a traumatic experience. Having someone sit and listen to you and work through things could be enormously helpful.

You are not a failure. Have you had counselling to help with this? I think you should seriously consider it. Have you requested a debrief with the hospital? This might also help.

I felt awful after my first birth ended in emcs. I didn't feel the sense of failure, to be honest (although this seems very common among many women, so you are definitely not alone), but I felt very shocked by the whole experience and traumatised by the surgery and what my body had been through. Therapy really helped, although it was a gradual process.

Wish you better soon. You have done an amazing thing - produced a beautiful baby. You are a super woman!

You are not a failure. I completely understand the sense of shock you are feeling - and 6 weeks is really no time at all. I had a traumatic VB and sustained birth injuries that 7 months on are still being investigated and diagnosed. I was massively shocked in the weeks following dd's birth and also felt like i had somehow failed. I know what you mean about wanting another baby so you can try and get the birth 'right'. all my consultants have told me i should have an elcs next time and i completely agree with them. like you, i have no idea if i really WANT another baby, but i do really wish that i could have a positive second birth experience through elcs and feel the joy at a dc's arrival that i feel i was robbed of with dd.
you are not a failure. you got given the birth you got given and you did the best with it that you could. and produced a beautiful baby!

i agree that counseling might be something to consider. and you might also want to get in touch with the birth trauma association. you could also think about having a birth de-brief session with one of the mws on the labour ward to go through your notes, ask whatever questions you have lingering and try to find out why things turned out the way they did. i don't eel string enough to have one o these yet, and you might feel it's too early for you too. but i know women here have found it enormously helpful.
there are lots of us on here who have had traumatic births for all sorts of reasons. we are here for you. big hugs xxxx

Read this.

Remember that you probably have experienced more time in labour than all of your friends put together. I nearly died for my baby and went through a process way harder than many women have to, and yet I survived and succeeded where not long ago we would both have died. Think of all your victories - for example, I am immensely proud of the fact that although I was told DD and I were too ill to have much chance of breast feeding we learnt and persevered and succeeded, and I BFed her till she was 10 months old. Think of yourself as some kind of super-hero-mother-creature who overcame a physical impossibility to still bring your child into this world. Don't get too hung up on 'why, or what you could have done,' unless it is in preparation for next time.

I take the attitude of 'that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' I also take a peculiar delight in facing down anyone who makes the mistake of even thinking the words 'too posh to push,' even when it relates to another woman. I fill them in with the details of how to have a CS you have to be strong in body and mind, (especially when the CS comes after many, many hours of labour) to be able to deal with things like the spinal needle going into your back, the 'rummaging in a bag of washing feeling,' dealing with a newborn day and night when in most other circumstances a person who has had major surgery is allowed to recover without the requirement to care for another person, and overall, pricks who talk about CS like it is a lesser or easier way of giving birth when they have no idea!

Be proud of what you have acheived! Not sad.

You are not a failure!!! You are strong and have survived when in previous times maybe you and/or baby maybe not have made it. This is called progress. Do NOT feel bad. Do NOT feel guilty. Honestly. You are alive. Your baby is alive. That is ALL that matters, The rest is bollocks.

You created a healthy baby, you're a fantastic success.

It is such a shame that some idiots go around touting the 'positive birthing experience'. To me they are selfish, focusing on themselves, not the child.

I had EMCS first time, and ELCS second time. Given we thought we would gave no kids (first was ivf) I'm as proud as punch that I have two fabulous kids, who both came out the sunroof!

You are soooooooo not a failure. You are a mother.

tbh it sounds to me as though you have bigger issues with the "female members of your family" than childbirth. You need to see a psychologist "toot sweet". There is never failure in delivering a healthy child and both of you surviving.

backinthebox thanks for that link, I had seen it from another post of yours and it helped inmensely!

everyone thanks so much for your replies, I will talk to my HV about it, see what she says.

alpine you are right that a big part of it is the inmense task I gave myself during this pregnancy of erasing from my mind everything I grew up thinking and listening to, such as that women in my family cannot give birth, we have small hips/huge headed babies, etc. I read and read ina may, etc. and planned a homebirth (!!!), did hypnotherapy, etc. Once in labour I loved it, at one point when things were going well and the mw was explaining what would happen when he was born, it was the happiest moment of my life, DH's face of pride, and my own feeling of exhultation were unpararelled, coming down from there is still very hard.

I wish I could just be thankful for technology, etc, and I am trying! I'm really glad that people like happygomummy are out there, thank you!

knittakid, I had a similar experience with ds1 - who is now 2.9. 27 hours of labour, all the interventions, followed by emcs. I had planned a water birth in the birthing centre. I felt like a complete failure. And looking back I don't actually think it was inevitable which has been the hardest thing to deal with, I think we lacked supportive midwives at key moments and fell foul of hospital policies which said, for example, that things had to be 'moved along' (i.e. by breaking my waters and by syntocinon) and that I couldn't push for more than 90 mins without intervention. Now I am 34 weeks pg with no. 2 and most of my pregnancy has been a process of coming to terms with what happened before - I had very strongly gone down the route of 'it had to happen that way, there was no other option if I was to have a healthy baby' and actually now I don't feel like that anymore, which actually means I feel better about my options for birth no.2.

The other thing which helped me was someone saying that we focus far too much on birth and far too little on what happens afterwards - you can be sure that in 20 years your baby will not say 'mum you had a cs and therefore weren't the mother I needed', it's what happens in the intervening 20 years that he or she will be remembering! This was helpful for me in stopping me beating myself up about the birth and realising that the present was far more important, and that every day was another chance to be the mother I wanted to be. You can be sure that beating yourself up will not make you a better mother, nor will it change the birth.

And finally (sorry this is so long), reliving 6 weeks after is not at all unusual, even for mothers who have had the birth experience they want. If you still are 3-6 months afterwards you might want to look for help, but at the moment I would try to see it as part of the brain's natural healing process. Don't avoid it, don't try not to talk about it, let yourself cry if you want to, seek out other mothers with similar experiences and talk about it with them, there will be loads around - I found I had to switch off when some people started talking about their amazing pain-free water birth but actually they were the minority, most people were only too keen to talk about how awful it was and how out of control they felt.

Thinking like that, night, was the only way I could start accepting being a mother. This has all taken me by surprise in such a way... How could I love my baby before he was even conceived (I used to 'converse' with my future child...) and then when he is finally here I don't feel like he's mine? Every day I love him more, so the bonding is not an issue anymore, it's just my own self-esteem that has taken a beating.
The HV is coming next week to talk about this, now after what 1944girl has said I wonder if it is too soon and I should wait and see?

knittakid, I was where you are now nearly 4 years ago. I ended up with ptsd, nightmares and flashbacks and it took a lot of counselling and debriefing for me to move on.

I know how the same things go round and round in your head. What did I do wrong? Could I have done more? What's wrong with my body? Thousands of women do this, why not me? Will I ever know what it feels like to give birth? Did I give birth at all? Do people judge me? Will my child judge me?

I'm 4 years on as I said and I've moved from anger and guilt to calm acceptance. And as I've raised dd, as I've worked tirelessly to prove myself worthy of her, I've started to understand so many things. I thought so many times about what I had done wrong, about if I could have changed things but realised that I wasn't the only person there that day. DD was there too. The simple fact is that she was unbirthable due to severe malpositioning. And the journey to bring her safely into this world was something we had to do together. No it wasn't what I wanted, yes at the time I blindly persisted with pushing for many hours because I thought I had to do the right thing. But 4 years on I talk to dd and she talks back. She asks about when the doctors opened my tummy, she talks about what she looked like, if she cried, when she first sneezed. And something amazing has happened. Because I look at her and she's a capable, clever person who I adore like nothing else. I didn't give birth to her in any normal way but we were there together. She doesn't blame me or question me or judge me for the way she came into the world. She just talks about it. And I know now that it was so much more than the sum total of the events of that day. She was joining me as a person. And as old hippy and woo as it sounds, we did it together. We're still together. She doesn't judge me. And I no longer do. I couldn't control the circumstances of her delivery but I can control the Mum I am to her. And that I do well. It's no longer a story of what I did wrong or how I failed but a story dd and I tell to each other of how we met.

Talk, talk, talk and talk, Contact the birth trauma organisations. Have a debrief. Please don't feel ashamed or guilty for your feelings. There's a lot of help out there and you don't have to battle through this alone.

thank you turtles, your post is beautiful, and what a great mum you must be. I hope one day I feel like you, and can talk like that with ds. You've made me cry without sadness.

It will happen for you too, knittakid. DD and I talk a lot about how she came out through my tummy - she calls my scar my zip. And she is also very aware that DS (my second baby, I had a fabulous VBAC) came out the secret way. She is 3. I don't think of them as being unequal because they were born differently. They were just born differently and it's just the way they came into the world. I do think DD is feisty because she had to be the way she was born, and DS is calm because he was born that way, but I love them both the way they are.