Want VBAC but still don't know how to deal with my EMCS.

[nunnie]

I started this on another persons thread and fell a bit guilty plastering my issues on there.

My history.
1st VB with failed 3rd stage and manual removal.
2nd EMCS for brow presentation, under GA as spinal failed and felt incition.

3rd currently cooking.

My EMCS was only 29 weeks ago and I am almost 19 weeks pregnant again .

I wanted and ELCS just for the control aspect, but after discussing it with my Consultant have now decided to try for VBAC rather than have one thrust upon me if I labour early. My 2nd was 4 weeks early and I arrived pushing, my 1st was 6 days early and pushing within 15 minutes of arriving.
So if I make it to 39 weeks great but if I didn't I would most likely arrive to late for a CS unless there is a problem.

So VBAC is planned for these reasons.

People refer to feeling like a failure after EMCS, I don't think this is how I would describe what I feel. My feelings are more associated with the way my DS looked once he arrived and the fact that, that was due to me, no one else me. I hae discussed this on another forum and after a few ladies saying the felt awful seeing the bruises their babies had I felt a little better, so much so that I posted a pic onto picturetrail, once it was seen most of the people who had responded said poo (but in another way) that is pretty nasty, so from their yes I felt guilty to those comments I went from feeling not alone to feeling like crap. DS was heavily bruised from his forehead down to his lip, black reddy bruises. I removed all pictures of his first few days from facebook and don't have any pictures on my phone or look at any.
At 5 days old he was admitted to a childrens ward for jaundice caused by his bruising, which just added to my guilt.
When it was realised he was brow I was told to stop pushing, I did everything I possibly could I think to stop but it was hard and I wasn't able to do it completely and I just wonder if I had tried harder would he have come out looking so bad.
I don't have a fear of another EMCS I have a fear of what if I do the same again, I couldn't face hurting another child, I really couldn't bear it.
He couldn't even stand having a hat put on his head, he had to wear one that was way too big so there was no pressure.
I don't want to watch another one of my babies in pain and all entirely down to me.

Sorry, just need to write it out I think, don't really have anyone close to me that I want to talk to about this, and my DH has his own demons attatched to the birth and I don't want to give him mine too.

I am not saying that the operation itself didn't leave some fear or mental scars, but I don't think they are any worse than any unplanned surgery would leave. I am seeing an anethatist re the spinal failing which has left me feeling a bit scared and with little faith in them but hopefully the meeting will set those to rest.

I know it probably sounds stupid and I should love my son no matter what he looks like, and I truly did love him, it was myself I hated and still hate for doing that to him. I show my DD pictures of herself on the day she was born, but as I feel now I can't see myself doing that with DS as I don't know how to explain what happened and that I caused it.

It was my 2nd vaginal birth and I knew that something wasn't quite right, but the midwives and junior doctor said he was stuck on my pelvis and would push through soon, even after an ultrasound scan the junior doctor said he will move down soon. I should have had more faith in my fellings that it wasn't quite right and said something sooner, 3 and half hours of pushing was too long and what caused his bruising and this could ahve been prevented if I had, had more faith in what my body was telling me and passed this on to the professionals.

(((Hugs)))
You didn't cause this my love. Brow presentation is just one of those things. If anything, it should have been picked up earlier by the midwives during a vaginal exam so they would have told you to stop pushing sooner.
My friends baby had similar bruising after a ventouse and very serious undiagnosed blood condition due to the bruising. It was touch and go for a week and I think she did feel very bad afterwards.
Some babies in a brow position do change to a head own position, others dont.
Another of my friens had a CS at 10cm for brow presentation and a subsequent homebirth so it does not usually reoccur.
I'm sorry your photos of your ds upset you, perhaps you can show him ones from when the bruising went down.
I do think you could do with talking through your feeligs with a counsellor, it really wasn't your fault, but you obviously feel this strongly, so my telling you wont help!
You can use your feelings to trust yourself in this next birth to communicate what you want and dont want to happen.
Brow presenarion can be caused by-

Pelvic contractures or android pelvis. This is the major factor. It accounts for about 40% of face presentations.

(Are your shoulders wider than your hips?)
spinningbabies.blogspot.com/2011/02/pelvimetry-can-still-be-worth-something.html

Polyhydramnios. When the membranes rupture the rush of fluid may cause the head to extend as it descends.

Coils of umbilical cord around the neck.

gentlebirth.org/archives/facePres.html

Thank you Selina, my shoulders are wider than my hips.
Will have a look at those links this evening when the children are tucked up and I can concentrate more.

I will also chat with my midwife next time I am there and see if she can suggest a good counsellor.

As you had one vb successfully, its obviously possible for you to birth vaginally.
Was your second baby bigger? Was there anything different about the exercise you did in pregnancy? Or mobility when you were in labour or the pain relief you used?
What position were you pushing in with each baby?
Did you have any accidents during the pregnancy? falls etc?
You can develop a twist in the uterus by constantly holding a heavy baby/toddler on one side that can effect position.
If you also have an android type pelvis, this could have combined to create the brow presentation.

More links-
blog.birthbalance.com/?p=538
blog.birthbalance.com/?p=523
www.storknet.com/cubbies/childbirth/posteriorlabor.htm
www.asia.elsevierhealth.com/media/us/samplechapters/9780443069390/31-Ch31.pdf
www.joyousbirth.info/articles/saferthanaknownway.html

DD was pulled out during an emcs. After a very long induced labour. The first words I heard my DH say were "oh my god!"
He has since likened it to a coke bottle. It was very shocking and upsetting.

Something we did which I believe has REALLY helped her was taking her for cranial oesteopathy.
I had to take her 10 times in the months following her birth. The reason I trust that she needed it and they were't just ripping me off was that with my DS born only 1yr and 2 weeks later (wbac), I took him along after his birth and they didn't need to treat him at all. They said he was perfect after a straight forward delievery.

One thing I regret is that I didn't take her for 6 monthly check ups and at 3 1/2 she developed an acute squint, one operation and lots more cranial and she has got her stereoscopic vision back.

My DD was 5lb 13 and my DS was 6lb 3oz so size wise not a huge difference. I was actually using the gym with DS which I didn't with DD as I was working and didn't have time. Mobility wise in labour with both, I was only mobile on route as arrived pretty close to pushing with DD and arrived pushing with DS, they did sit me on a birth stool with DS hoping it would push him down. I only used G&A with both. I can't remember having any falls so don't think I did. Will have been carrying DD and I did tend to carry her on my hip, looking at the way I carry DS I am more prone to hold him on my left hip, so was probably the same with DD.

Thank you for the links Selina.

www.occ.uk.com/index.php

This is a osteopathic charity that gives free treatment to babies and mothers. Based in London, if that is too far from you, phone them I'm sure they'd still be helpful or maybe could recommend somebody nearer.

Thank you will look into that further.