feeling scared and alone

[suburbanslob]

We now have our beautiful baby son. What we went through to get him however (now two weeks ago) was a bit traumatic to say the least. I had pain relief (pethadine) that really didn't agree with me, then panic attacks after he was born and now have a feeling like the world and people are 'unreal' and it's making me feel so isolated and alone.

On one hand everything is so perfect and I've never been happier but on the other I feel this weird 'unreal' feeling. I do realise I now sound like a complete nutter but I don't know what to do. I have got some counselling coming up which I hope will help but at the moment I just feel trapped in a very weird place. I want to be okay for me and okay for to look after our son. Most of all I want to know that there is a way back from this so I can enjoy the rest of my life. I'm also worried the more it goes on the more chance I have of ending up with lifelong problems and of it affecting my relationships.

I hope I've made a bit of sense. I've tried talking to loved ones but although they are so understanding can't relate to the way I'm feeling.

oh suburban :( how frustrating for you. not sure I can add anything, but remember it is very early days yet - you've just had a traumatic birth, and now have a whole new person who is totally dependent on you - plus the inevitable hormone changes. I spent the first few weeks either madly in love or howling and fantasising about ways to get DS back out of my life. do you have a nice HV or GP to talk to? my HV was great - I went to the local clinic every week, and after a few months of going there and nattering to other mums who had just gone through this life-altering event, I started feeling a bit more normal.

please feel free to ramble away on MN too, there will always be someone to listen. un-MN hugs for you.

suburbanslob well done for being brave enough to write this down and share with us what you went through and what you are feeling now. That's such a huge first step.

What you have described doesn't sound like you are a 'complete nutter', but does sound as if you've been through something really traumatic recently and you are reeling from this. That strange 'distant' feeling is common amongst women who've had a really tough time giving birth.

The counselling sounds like a very good idea - when does that start?

In the meantime, you could give the Birth Crisis Helpline a call www.sheilakitzinger.com/birthcrisis.htm. They are really accustomed to listening to women talk about their traumatic births and would be well worth ringing.

Are you able to share you feelings with your partner or a friend/relative? Sometimes talking things through can help you just have a bit of release.

It also sounds like you are a wonderful, caring, loving mother. If you can, give yourself time to come through this slowly and gently; give yourself permission to have bad days but also faith that you can get through this.

You will get through this. You are already seeking help which is an amazing move in the right direction.

If you want to PM me, please do. I'm happy to talk to you on the phone and I'm used to hearing about traumatic births as I'm a doula.

Take care of yourself,

I haven't had my baby yet so I'm probably not the best person to advise, but I just wanted to say hello to you and send you some good wishes, and to say that you don't sound like a nutter at all!

I was in an antenatal class yesterday and the midwife talked about baby blues and PND. She said it's totally normal, and that even without hormonal swings, women often feel very low, due to lack of sleep combined with the physical assault of childbirth on your system. I know that I feel totally unreal if I'm jetlagged, so I guess the early days of parenthood are like a megadose of jetlag!

From what you said you are doing the absolute best thing - admitted you aren't ok and are getting help ... much much better than pretending everything is fine when it isn't...childbirth and motherhood is supposed to be so marvelous but for lots of people it isn't...you are so not on your own. All the changes in hormone levels can really freak you out (I remember having the 3 day baby blues in the hospital - midwife found me sobbing over a screaming DD1 because she was going home and I didn't know if she was supposed to wear the vest and babygrow at the same time or not (honestly I'm not thick and I do have common sense - just was completely disorientated)
Don't hesitate to get in touch with the health visitor or GP or helplines or whatever - keep talking to people - daily if nec...until you get the help you need...
I didn't have traumatic births (but quite traumatic pregnancies) -but was suicidally depressed about 20 yrs ago ...after being very seriously ill and lots of other bad stuff happening ... it would have been much better if I had help sooner but didn't tell anyone how I felt until I was in a real mess....
I will say that the illness was traumatic (the doctors thought I was going to die - they wouldn't be able to save me - but I felt fine! ... afterwards I was crippled for a while and told I would need medication for ever etc etc.
I found the more you talk about it the better - it becomes less real and less traumatic and easier to cope with ... and don't make it into a secret -
Also I know it is tough to talk about some things with people who care about you - you don't want to upset them or worry them etc - I found talking to strangers/ counseller was best...good luck - you will feel better and one day you might not exactly be able to laugh about it but it won't feel so terrible...

See my post on here. I completely understand, and you are not alone. Although it feels that way sometimes... 2 weeks is no time at all, give yourself a break! I'm 11months on and work every day to be 'OK'. (which I'm not!)
Sending you good thoughts, be kind to yourself, and give it time. The unreal feeling stayed with me for some time, but eventually I bonded with DS properly and felt like a 'real' mum.
A hug for you, however 'mumsy' that my be. You sound like you need one! How is your DH coping with this? Are you supporting each other? xxx

I really can't thank you all enough for your responses. It's so touching that people have taken the time to reply and try to help :) DH is wonderful, mum is wonderful - and I have fantastic support - God only knows what I would have done without it. I know it sounds daft but I really had no idea at all what to expect from motherhood. Naively expected a cute little pup to cluck over: not a life altering experience like this!! Taking on board what you have all said I think I'm going go try and 'get on with things' for the time being and give myself a bit of a break until things settle. If I still don't feel 'right' in a month or so i'll really push on in terms of treatment etc. I have had a letter through to arrange some counselling due to my panic attacks so I'm going to go ahead with that too and at least try and explain how I'm feeling, although it is quite embarrassing I'm hoping they've heard it all before :) thanks again so much - you have all made me feel a little bit more normal which is like gold dust at the moment!

I'm glad it's helped.

I have to say I felt quite similar for the first few weeks after my daughter was born - quite disconnected from the world, no appetite, teary, guilty for feeling stressed when everyone knows that newborns are wonderful and not hard work at all...

It passes. Really it does. But if it doesn't pass quickly enough for you, then see someone.

HTH

How are you doing, suburban? Your posts here sound really together and articulate, which given sleep deprivation, hormonal craziness and the complete shock of a traumatic birth, panic attacks (which are bloody scary enough on their own) and then having this BABY - well, you sound pretty impressive, really. I was in tears for the week after I got home with my baby; sometimes all three of us were in tears simultaneously. It all got better for me at around a month but I only really started emerging again at around 3 months. I think that piece of advice about treating the first 3 months as the 4th trimester of pregnancy is really good - time really helps you and your baby settle in. And it does get easier and more fun. Good luck.

Hi LuckyC - thank you for your lovely post. I do still feel very strange. It feels embarassing to talk about even on here but I feel in a bit of a dream state and I'm questioning the reality of things - even people such as my husband - which is what is really, really isolating. I hope that makes sense?

My son is just so beautiful and, perhaps because he needs me, he's about the only thing that does seem real: especially when he is squawking during a nappy change, bless him!

I think I'm going to try and let how I'm feeling wash over me for the next month or so and put my trust in the fact it will get better. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this if it doesn't. I have been offered diazepam (sp?) but hate any kinds of drugs (rarely have a paracetamol) and so want to avoid that as long as poss.

suburbanslob just read your posts and wanted to add - No, you are not a nutter, and please don't feel embarassed, you've nothing to be embarassed about. I can relate to how you are feeling - I had an EMCS and real difficulties BFing, as well as dealing with various hospital appointments for DD in the early weeks, and it was all a bit of a blur, and I also felt a bit disorientated and disconnected from things. I thought (and everyone else) that I was doing ok, although I definitely had my moments behind closed doors, but it was only when things settled down a bit that it hit me and I started to get really anxious and was going over and over things in my head all the time. I have been having counselling for a wee while now and I have found it really really useful to go over what happened and my feelings with someone that is completely non judegemental and understands and helps me explore it all. You said that you have counselling coming up - I hope you find it helpful, and don't worry about being embarassed talking about it, and yes, they have heard it before. I was a bit like "Oh, it's silly" and "I shouldn't feel this way" in my sessions to start with but my counsellor put me right and said that none of it was silly at all. You will get better, although it may take time, so in the meantime continue seekign support, talk if you need to and keep posting on mumsnet :) Wishing you all the best x

Thanks theborrower :) they really should warn you about all this before you get up the duff but then I suppose noone would have babies! It's just really reassuring to hear that other people have been through similar. Although it doesn't take it away it just helps to make me feel more positive about the future. Thanks again to everyone who had posted - I can't tell you how much it's helping.

I know what you mean - knowing that other people had been through similar experiences/feelings was reassuring to me, if only because it made me feel that I wasn't alone or abnormal. I've also found it hugely therapeutic to talk about it and post on MN - so if you find this helpful too, go for it. Better out than in, as they say :)

And yeah, I've found there's a lot that people don't tell you/gloss over a bit when you are expecting, but that said - I don't think anyone can prepare you or anyone can be prepared for having a baby - it really is the most life-altering thing and overwhelming experience you can go through, and if you have some trauma too it's no wonder that you can feel a bit out of it!

Keep well x