How do you 'get over it?'

[littleblackdog]

I have an amazing 11 month old DS, who we tried for 3 1/2 years to conceive. I had two miscarriages, and eventually got PG with Clomid.
My pregnancy was fairly smooth, and although I was under the consultant for an underactive thyroid, there were no medical concerns.
I was 9 days late, and booked for induction on the tues, (13 days late)
I had concerns that night as the baby stopped moving, and ended up in hospital the next day.
Long story short, they let me carry on and labour for hours, although there were concerns about DS' heart rate, until 9pm when there was a shift change and suddenly there were panic stations. We still thought all was ok, as they were going to do an EMCS.

I laid there, heard no cry, and calling out to know what was happening. It was 20mins till DH was allowed to go over and tell me it was a boy.
Our son had almost everything go wrong that could have, and was in hospital for a month, 2 weeks on ventilation then CPAP, with an induced coma and morphine for the first few days.
He survived against all the odds, and we had many 'serious' conversations with the consultant, about his chances of survival.

Well done if you have read this far!
He is now healthy, happy, and does not seem to have sustained lasting physical or mental problems from his birth, for which we are so thankful. Can't describe how happy we are.
The thing is, I am suffering PTSD, PND and feeling more and more anxiety as it nears his birthday.
Tried talking to friends, but people just want me to get past it, move on, put it behind me etc. I still have flashbacks, and occasional nightmares. I am reciving counselling, which is really helping but feel so alone and misunderstood. It's pressure to move on.
I think people think I'm ungrateful, as DS is surpassing all expectations, and is a true 'miracle' baby. All I hear is "But he's doing so well, you should focus on that"

I do, every day. But in my mind I also see my tiny helpless child wired to every machine and drug going, with an IV in each limb, and more through the umbilical line, and a ventilator in his mouth. I had no chance to enjoy the first few days, in hospital recovering and then at home. By the time we came home, I was more mobile again, and so scared he would be taken away, that I wouldn't accept help, except from DH.
I have joined a couple of support forums, but so much is geared towards premature babies, not full term poorly ones.
I need help, and advice, about how to get my bounce back, and enjoy every moment.
Thanks for reading.

well first of all i don't think you can 'just get over it' when you've had an experience like that.

i had a hard birth but nothing like your experience. i hovered near the edge of pnd for a while but time got me through it.
firstly have you had a birth de-brief? it might be helpful to find out why (if you can) that series of events occurred.
have you had any counselling? or tried ADs? i know they're not everyone's cup of tea and i've never had either so can't comment on thier effectiveness but maybe something to think about.

you and your family have had an awful experience and i totally get what you mean about getting your bounce back so you can enjoy every moment.

i wish i could advise/ help more but i'd say first step is talk to your HCP about how they can help you!

good luck! :)

Hi there littleblackdog so sorry for the trauma you've been through Firstly, let me say it is TOTALLY understandable that you feel this way, and your feelings cannot be dismissed. What you went through will understandably have left a scar.

I had a traumatic birth too (but thankfully my DD was ok after the birth), but developed severe PND and was hospitalised for 3 months. I think PND is quite common after a traumatic birth.

There is another poster on here called madmouse who had a full term baby who got taken to SCBU and she suffered from PTSD like you. She is really helpful and will probably be able to sympathise and offer you her advice about how to cope and deal with the emotions. Her DS is 3 now.

May be worth posting on the mental health board as she hangs around there, as do lots of other ladies who have been through similar trauma.

Littleblackdog - I am so sorry for all you have been through. I think a year is no time at all. Thank God I haven;t been through what you've been through, but I have had my share of traumas and a traumatic birth. These things take a long time to get over. And, as I say, I think a year is a very very short period of time. And you are coming up to his birthday. Which is a very happy time, but is also the anniversary of one of the scariest days in your life. In regard to my own traumatic birth, I've had people say that the fact that I have DD should mean that I somehow don't mind the medical problems I am still facing. Well, that's rubbish. We are not binary - we are capable of feeling more than one emotion at the same time. I am perfectly entitled to feel both elation at DD's existence and sadness and misery at what has happened to me. You are perfectly entitled to feel joy over DS and terror and horror at what happened. And it is natural for you to feel this. I often wonder how it is that the day of DD's birth can be both the most wonderful and one of the most awful day in my life. But it is - things are not either/or.
I'm sorry people are telling you to move on. People do tend to suffer from"compassion fatigue" and often just don;t get it. Or don;t want to get it. I think you are doing exactly the right thing in having counseling and seeking help through support groups.

Sending you lots of love XXX

There might be a unit at your hospital where you can go through your notes with a midwife, I know people find that helpful when they've had a terrible time. It's not very helpful for people to tell you to focus on the positives, I'm sure you try to do that anyway. After all, it sounds as though it was the day your baby nearly died. How do people expect you to feel about it?

Thanks for replies, I have posted this on mental health too, thanks Getdownyouwillfall.

Acanthus Have been through my notes with a midwife friend, who was great. Waiting for notes of review meeting too. Cardamom hadn't thought of it like that, it so often feels black and white, and I'm not very assertive, so kind of nod along when people say it to me. will repeat to myself, "it's ok to feel both happy and sad"
x

Oh, at our debrief, my consultant was good, but she said "if it had been me, I would have rushed you straight to theatre"
Also, we don't know if all DS illnesses were birth related or if he was already struggling. My placenta had quite a few 'bad' bits, but then he was 9 days late...

So sorry littleblackdog that you had such a difficult time. I have a 4.9 year old ds who was born at 34 weeks and unexpectedly poorly - he was ventilated for 5 days, had lots of trouble with his lungs and numerous episodes where he stopped breathing, finally came home after 2 months. Most people (including hv etc) didn't appreciate how ill he had been and assumed that at 34 weeks he "just needed fattening up".

Firstly, I think people tell you to focus on the positives and "move on" because they don't know what else to say and they are trying (however badly!) to be helpful. I could have talked over and over about our time in SCBU (possibly still could!) but I think people who have not experienced it don't realise this obsessive need to repeat yourself again and again and just want to jolly you along.

Secondly, ds's first birthday was by far the worst time for me, in terms of how I felt about his first few months. I also felt very sad about it when my dd was born (thankfully full term and healthy) as what had happened to ds seemed so awful in comparison to having a normal baby like normal people. I still feel sad when I think about it, and cried recently talking to a friend who also had a prem baby, but it has become much less of a focal point as ds gets older.

I completely agree with Cardamom above that you are allowed to feel ecstatic that your ds is here and sad about his arrival. I never had conselling or anything like that, but my theory is that you never get over it - it just becomes less important and immediate as the child gets older, and those few weeks or months are a smaller and smaller part of their life.

Have a very un-MN hug. My DD was only in SCBU for 3 days but it still hurts to remember her like that and to think about the birth. I can't see the photos of me in recovery looking so so worried without wanting to cry.

Just wanted to say there's someone else here who understands.

My consultant debrief helped me, but it was more to do with the birth and why what happened, happened, rather than what happened to DD.

Sorry for what you experienced. I know exactly what you mean about going over things again and again until it has, at times, driven me mad. I didnt experience ten percent of what you did but did have traumatic circumstances but again, not even touching on what you experienced. I think over and over every little thing that was said and done and often blame myself for it all. Have been diagnosed with PND at 7months as i kind of lied and put a brave face on these strange and low feelings even though my baby is perfect, content and happy. The way i 'get over it' is to talk talk talk. I told my HV who was amazing and often i say to my husband, 'can you tell me what that midwife said again about my baby not breastfeeding' etc etc. I also often tell him again about how ill i felt and he is great at listening to the same story. It seems to ease everything. I hope you begin to feel better and can manage your feelings more positively xxx ps. i posted on here last week (will things get better after 7 months?) having such wonderful, caring responses have already helped me on the way to recovery

I don't think you can be expected to 'get over it' just because of time passing and your DS being happy and healthy. I am lucky not to have been in your position, but did have a terrible time during one pregnancy and found the most helpful thing was to speak to others who had similar experiences, so that I knew my feelings weren't in isolation and also the waves of good days/bad days were completely normal. I don't know if it will be helpful but there is something called the Birth Trauma Association which I learned about after reading a Sheila Kitzinger book, perhaps that could link you with others who have similar experience? And hopefully you might find others on MN who can share their experience too. But healing takes time, as long as it needs.

Hi, I have been reading this post with interest, while I didnt have a traumatic birth, I had an ELCS due to baby being breech three weeks ago, however my little boy picked up a serious infection due to me being group B strep positive and subsequently he spent 2 weeks in NICU, in that time he was intubated, had a blood transfusion, a lumbar puncture, and we really feared the worst at one stage, although we live overseas so it was difficult for family to really know what was going on, no matter how many times we told them how serious he was and he was classed as 'critical' at one point, they fail to see the horror that it was for us, there was 3 days when he as very very sick, and my mother phoned me and asked we 'did I not realise it was mothers day' as in you could have phoned or sent a card, I think my baby being in ICU on a ventilater a fairly good reason for my lacking in daughterly duties, so i guess i have no easy answers, but it has been a very emotional time, and while all I want to do is talk about it, I feel no one really wants to listen now that he's ok, my way of dealing with it is be grateful for the end result and I try not to dwell on the whole thing, but it is hard, my mil couldnt understand why i was so emotional when I first brought him home from hospital, I mean WTF, I have just had the worst 3 weeks of my life, sorry if i'm not much help, you are not alone x

abayababe I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and your lack of support from family.
Our parents were allowed into the NICU to see the baby, but only because the doctors didn't think DS was going to pull through at that point.

They were very understanding, it just hurt to see the pain on their faces when they came up to see us. (we were transferred to another hospital with NICU after the birth)

I have come to the conclusion that unless you've been through something like that, you just can't get it. Can't say that without sound patronising to people unfortunately.
Feel free to come and rant here, any outlet helps I find, and shared experience is so good. xx

Also, it's so new for you, you are only just getting used to being home, with a newborn who feels sooo precious.
Please learn from my mistake, and give yourself time to grieve for what you didn't have. A calm birth, and bringing a healthy baby home within a few days. I beat myself up mentally for months over that. I still am really.
Don't let people rush you into feeling better about the experience. Thats why I posted. It's not helping my depression at all, being 'jollied' along.

You have been through so, so much. So much. Please, please do not think that you should 'get over this' or 'move on', or feel any guilt for having been profoundly affected by your traumatic experiences.