6 and 1/2 months on and it all feels worse than ever

[cardamomginger]

Thought about name changing for this, but decided against it. Sorry if this turns into a long and rambling rant .
I gave birth vaginally to DC1 at the end of September last year. I had been planning as natural and as drug-free a birth as possible - not for any ideological reasons, but because I'd been led to believe that this would be in my and my baby's best interests. I had an appalling time. Got horridly and excruciatingly stuck at 5cm bouncing straight from one hideous contraction to the next. To cut a long story short I ended up transferring form the MW led unit to the labour ward and had an epidural. I progressed to 10 cm with the epidural and was "persuaded" to let the epidural wear off for the pushing stage. I had nearly 3 hours of directed pushing which, again, was excruciating as I could feel DD ramming her way into and through my pelvis. I sustained a 2nd degree tear, a urethral tear and a vaginal tear. I was very very shocked by the birth and had problems bonding with DD for the first few weeks. (Love her to bits now!!!)
The tears became infected and opened up. The infection did not clear easily and when they did heal, they healed with adhesions that had to be broken manually and then treated with ultrasound. I had bad pain in my coccyx which felt that it was out of place. I had physio to realign it and more ultrasound to treat it. However the pain did not go away and things still did not feel right, so a friend convinced me to press for a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon, he did an MRI and told me that yes the coccyx is out of place and that I had extreme bruising inside my pelvic bones consistent with having sustained a significant trauma - more than you woudl expect from childbirth. He noticed some pockets on inflammation in the soft tissues and referred me to a uro-gyane. From the description of the birth, the MRI and examination he concluded that my pelvic floor had been too strong to let the baby out. Apparently this is not that uncommon and when it happens the woman classically gets stuck at 5 cm and had difficulties pushing the baby out, and the baby causes damage to her pelvis and coccyx. My pelvic floor was still in spasm when I saw him. He also suspected bladder involvement and a cystoscopy and bladder biopsy indicated a spastic and overactive bladder and a bladder wall infection. This is being treated with major antibiotics, by so far has not responded that well. In the last week or so things have started to get worse. It feels like my entire body is going to fall out of my vagina and my anus and I have had episodes of both urinary and faecal incontinence. I saw the gynae again this week and he says the pelvic floor has relaxed and is no longer in spasm. He suspects that the tear may not have been 2nd degree and may have gone further. I'm being referred back to the orthopaedic surgeon because my coccyx is still hurting and out of place, to anther gynae who specialises in faecal incontinence, and to a physio for work on the pelvic floor.

I feel exhausted both by the symptoms and by all the medical appointments. DD has had medical problems too and some weeks we have clocked up 5 hospital or GP appointments between us. I have no energy for anything else and feel guilty for not spending time taking her to the park, to playgroups, socialising with her - all those things that as a new mum I feel I am supposed to be doing. I feel devastated that after over 6 months I feel that my body is in the worst shape its been since giving birth. I feel angry that I was "persuaded" that VB is always the best thing for a woman (haven't asked the gynae if any pre-birth assessment may have shown my pelvic floor problems and indicated that VB woudl not have bene the best bet for me). I don;t want to get into the CS vs VB debate, and I know I would have struggled to get an ELCS on the NHS. But I'm convinced that I would have been so much better with an ELCS. I'm angry that as far as the maternity unit is concerned, the birth has been classed as a success (VB, no interventions, APGAR of 9). I feel so disgusted with my body. I look great, BTW and everyone tells me I do. But that all feels like a sick joke when I think about what's actually happening. And I feel so lonely - I'd been telling some close friends about what had bene going on. But I think compassion fatigue has set in somewhat, and the whole incontinence thing is a step too far and something I don't want to discuss. DH is being fab, BTW.

DD is my dream come true. But this all feels like a living nightmare and at the moment I just can't stop crying. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.

:( You poor thing. That sounds so so awful. I don't really know how to be constructive for you. :(

Do the doctors think they can make things better in time - does the future hold promise re your physical condition?

Is DD ok now?

Thanks! DD is much better. She has severe cows' milk protein allergy and had bad eczema. It was all pretty horrible for a while until her symptoms calmed down. But she's doing very well now . Dunno what's in store for me. Will go back and see what the ortho surgeon says (last I saw him he was talking about some more manipulation and injections). And haven't seen the gynae-bum doctor (no idea what his proper title is, so that will have to do for now!) yet, nor the physio. As for the infection - that didn't respond to two types of antibiotics, so we are trying a third type. He was quite honest that if this third type doesn't work, then we might have problems. Really appreciate you posting . Not really looking for answers as such - bit of handholding is nice though.

Well, a couple of smiles, that is good to see. :)

Bless you, what you went through sounds like one of the worst birth stories I've heard. You should be proud you got through it. I hope you get a good prognosis, and are back to wonderful soon.

My DS was born early October, so I am not far behind you. And we avoid cows' milk, though that is by choice.

Hm, well, I can jabber away and do hand-holding, if you want to chat!

Thanks . Congrats on your DS. X

Thanks! Congrats on your DD! :) Is she asleep? Mine has just nodded off after a feed, though this is a little earlier than usual, so may not be it for the night.

I hope you can enjoy your future with your lovely DH and DD.

Hi. I read your post and I couldn't run without expressing deepest sympathy for what happened and to say it sounds really really sh*t. Have you contacted the birth trauma association? They can put you in touch with other mothers who have had traumatic births and who can tell you how they dealt with both the physical and psychological aftermath. I'm glad you are seeing some drs to get help with your pelvic problems. If you want to have another baby ever (and I know that's not a given!) you should be able to request an ELCS due to the damage from the 1st birth.
So I will just finish by sending a very un-MN hug x

hi cardamom

im so sorry to hear this especially as recently you'd sounded so well. hold on to the positives, the main one being your lovely DD, but also that you're under good medical care, there are options, you are on a course of treatment. it will take time but believe that you will get better.

one of the hardest things in recovery is the set backs. i found it so tough, just when you think you're getting better, you hit a set back and you're ill again. it sounds like this is what has happened to you. just remember, you were ill before, and had some respite after that with a better period, and hopefully you will have that again.

don't worry about the incontinence. its very hard i'm sure, but don't let it hold you back, just do what you have to do but still go out.

and don't worry about not doing all the things you wanted to with DD. i felt that way too but i'm making up for it now and when i look back on when ds was only a few months old i just think he didn't know any different so he didn't suffer. you can still provide plenty of entertainment at home.

lets meet up sometime! am happy to come to your house if you're worried about getting out. or we can go for coffee, giraffe restaurant is yummy :)

Thanks calm and the ever-lovely muslimah. I never really thought about contacting the Birth Trauma Association - I always thought that my situation wasn't "bad enough". But I'm not coping that well with it at the moment, so I will look into it - thanks for suggesting it! Will send you an email muslimah. Hugs to everyone. And thank you. XXX

Just wanted to say good luck with the docs. And don't feel bad about not taking your baby to the park - all she wants and needs at this age is to be close to you.

I had a traumatic birth with dd1 - on paper it looks perfect, she flew out in 2 hours but tore her way through. (lots of reasons largely due to incompetent senior mw telling me I was only just at the start of labour. DH demanded registrar come to talk about pain relief as I was struggling to cope after being told I'd have another 12 hours at least - registrar discovered I was 10cm and I wasn't even in delivery, in fact mw tried to send me home!)

The result was 37 stitches. I haven't had the incontinence, but it took a good 10 months to feel healed and sex was off the menu despite me wanting to and feeling totally let down by my body.

I really suggest you get under a speacialist rather than back and forth to GP as they can fix incontinence! (a friend had it done).

I'm now pg again - took 3 years to even consider it but we saw a consultant before ttc to discuss cs (which he agreed to).

It is much better now but after a traumatic birth, 6 months is nothing. The 6 week check misled me as I thought that was how long it should take to heal. When mw tried to put me off cs this time she said "but you'll have 6 weeks of pain" my reply? Well I had 10 months of pain after VB and the emotional scars are still there.

don't be fobbed off. GP kept telling me all was fine and there was "space", well he must be pretty small IYKWIM! DH was quite chuffed - I felt like the only woman in the world wishing her dh was a bit smaller.

Keep smiling and enjoying your dd - but make sure you get looked after too. Be confident and stand your ground.

It will get better. Good luck xx

card as someone who has been through the book with antibis for bladder probs can I suggest that you take both pre and probiotics. The best ones I found were recommended through a nutitionistand were not available over the counter. To help your body heal you must have optimum nutrition and REST. I was running myself ragged working full time and looking after elderly relatives and the best advice I was given was rest. Once I took this on board I gradually began to feel better and healing began. Hope you start to feel better very soon.

Princess - that's awful! Congratulations on your current pregnancy and I'm really pleased you'll be having the ELCS you want. I agree that GPs are somewhat limited in their use with these things. Everyone I'm seeing is a consultant. And thank God we have healthcare insurance, so I can go privately rather than having to wait for an eternity on the NHS. I'm not surprised it took you 3 years to even think about TTC. I can't imagine it right now, and there's no way that my body is ready for it. I feel sad about this, as I am 39 and I know that my child bearing years are running out and that if we want another child the sooner we start the better. If there is a next time it will DEFINITELY be ELCS - my ob/gynae says he will be delighted to do it for me!
Thanks oscalito for reminding me that DD is not going to suffer any harm by not going to baby groups, etc. Everyone else I know with babies roughly this age seems to have a whole social diary for their DCs. And then there's me struggling to fit in the laundry around the hospital appointments... I guess DD doesn't care that she has new toys and sees new people in a hospital waiting room, rather than a Baby Group and that the people who fuss over her are nurses, doctors and receptionists, not other mums!
XX

Gail - can I PM you for details of what you took? I hope you are better now XX

Glad it helped - it's what I tell myself too, mother's groups aren't really my thing. And yes they do seem to like new faces, wherever they are, preferably viewed from the safety of their mum's shoulder!

And she gets some great views of London out of the windows of all the cabs we take... .

cardamomginger, that sounds like an awful experience - I agree with you, I think it's just insane that sort of experience is classed as a successful birth - VB, no interventions, as you say. Hospitals seem to have such a basic and shortsighted way of 'accounting' for birth - it's like they close the book as soon as a mother is discharged, and that's that. If you took into account your healing and subsequent appointments and treatment for ongoing problems, would it be counted as successful in the same way?

Anyway. I'm very sorry for your experience - I'm sorry too that you aren't being as active as you would like to be, but as others have said - your DD won't care a FIG that she's not at BabyGenius classes or whatever they are, she will be at her very happiest being with YOU, doing whatever you are doing! and feeling secure in each new experience because you're with her. Which is splendid, actually.

thanks gloyw xx

read your post and don't really have anything useful to add, but just wanted to say i'm really sorry this has happened to you. What you've been through is awful I really hope thing get better for you.

cardamom you poor thing. I don't have experience of a VB as I had an EMCS, but I wanted to suggest going along to local mums groups anyway.

I only mention this because the mums in my group are so lovely, I have made some great friends, AND they have all swapped their stories of incontinence, tearing, painful sex after childbirth etc, and I can't believe my group are particularly unusual. I know if I was having these problems I would be really reassured by the fact that so many people seem to suffer, and at least being able to have a friendly ear.

And Princess please don't let the "It's a major operation" crowd worry you - my EMCS was fine and i wrote in my diary that I felt physically back to normal within 3-4 days and I was driving within a week.

Carda - I've read your posts over the past few months and I have nothing but sympathy. I've had several of my own threads on here following a traumatic birth in may (3a degree tear, manual placenta removal, pph, rectocele prolapse, anal fissure, full restitch and prolapse repair 3 months postnatal) and I'm only 23! I'd love to have a proper chat with you if you like, you can moan to me until you're blue in the face! Pm me your email address if you like. Thinking of you x

Ladies, thanks so much for your lovely words and support . Princess I agree with Ozziegirly - my friend has had 4 CS, the first was EMCS and the other 3 ELCS. She had her last 1 month after I had DD and within 3 weeks she felt pretty much back to all her normal activities.

Have read your posts over the months too first1 - thanks for offer of chat. Have PMed you .
XX

card have PMed you, hope the info is useful. Thinking of you x

Hi cardamomginger

I can sympathise with a lot of your post. I had a VBAC in November as I really struggled to recover from the birth of DD1 who was a CS. I assumed I would be up and about and back to normal in no time after a vaginal birth but in actual fact the recovery this time round has been much longer and much more painful. Like you, I hoped for as natural a birth as possible, purely to try and avoid the 'cascade of intervention' you hear about. My labour was very slow and by the time I got to 8cm I couldn't bear it any more and had an epidural and later on a forceps delivery.

I haven't been able to sit down normally since giving birth 5 months ago, the pain in my coccyx is so bad. I have seen 2 osteopaths, an NHS physio and a private physio. The private physio is the only one who has listened to me when I've told them it's a birth injury (it wasn't there when I was in labour, it was there after the birth, how can everyone keep insisting it's related to the spd I has in pregnancy?!). She did a manual relocation (deeply unpleasant and undignified as it has to be done rectally) and that seems to have helped a bit. The pain is still there though and I still can't sit properly. It's still desperately painful to sit on hard chairs although I think I've ended up adapting to this and I find myself sitting with all my weight on one leg or leaning forward. Do you have one of those solid breastfeeding pillows? I find I can get pretty comfortable sitting on one of those with the gap at the back under my coccyx. It must be one of the hard oval shaped ones though, rather than a v shaped one.

Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone. Thank you for your post, it's been useful for me and I think I will go back to the doctors and ask for a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. Feel free to pm me if you would like details of my private physio, she's in London, or if you just want to chat. I hope things get better for you soon.

Hey Cardamom - I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. No one ever tells you that this type of thing happens before you have your baby, then when it happens to you and you start investigating you realise that it is all too common.

I tore badly during a forceps delivery (tore in 4 different directions) and the MW said that I had unusually thick muscles which I wonder if it is the same thing as having too strong a pelvic floor. She also watched the reg stitch me and said that she thought I might need a restitch which makes me pretty angry as she basically watched him do a bad job (though I understand that the relationship between MW and doctors makes it hard to challenge and she did get her supervisor in to have a look). I got an infection and had a restitch after 4 weeks. I know exactly what you mean about the unit marking you down as a success - whilst I had an instrumental birth I am one less CS for their CS rate, but still sore 7 months on (though not nearly as badly affected as you are). I am going to see the birth afterthoughts service, and while I am not upset anymore, I am angry. It took me about 3 months to get out and about with DD and I found that as I recovered I actually became scared of being well again as I had no idea what a normal life was like with a baby. I got prescribed antidepressants and they worked wonders. The time I spent recovering now seems a long time ago and a bit of a haze as most of the days were the same, so it is hard to remember and is like looking back at someone else suffering.

Please don't feel alone - there are plenty of us on here who have been through a horrible post-birth recovery and want to support you - either because of the fantastic support that we had or because of the lack of support that we had.

Best wishes to you and your baby.

Hi choclate - so sorry it's rubbish for you too. Your tale of coccyx pain sounds very familiar including the rectal manual relocation [yuck face]. I really would recommend pressing for a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. I'm in London and saw a really lovely guy called Mr Mo Akmal. He was extremely sympathetic. It's only by doing an MRI that you can really see what's going on and where and how it is displaced. I think that even the best physios struggle to determine exactly what's going on, because they are feeling things manually and that's never going to be 100% precise. I've found that sitting on a coccyx cushion (slants forwards and with a hole at the back) helps enormously. But every time I sit on a normal chair it hurts again and walking can make it painful as well). I'm going back to see him in a couple of weeks - before he referred me to the gynae he had been talking about manipulation under anaesthesia and injections. We shall see what he says this time.

And Hello breathes. Again, so sorry you are having a horrid time. Your tear sounds ghastly. I thought about going for a birth debrief because I just didn;t understand how and why things had turned out the way they had. Then when I got some explanation from the gynae I felt I had the answers I needed and decided not to bother. But I've realised I still feel angry, so I;m rethinking it. If I do go I will take copy correspondence from my consultants so it's not just a case of "my word against theirs". I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what normal life with a baby is about. I feel so anxious about going out with her and am so easily phased. If it's not literally just round the corner or can't easily be reached in a cab, then we don't go anywhere. And I had a bit of an accident with the pram last week, where the front wheels got stuck in a drain cover and the whole thing started to tip over with DD doing a backwards roll out of the pram. Fortunately a lovely lady from Sainsbury's rescued us and DD couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. But I am now seeing danger everywhere and keep having these visions of terrible things happening to DD because I'm not careful enough, or aware enough, etc etc.... So my confidence has taken a bit of a knock!!!

I guess we will all get there in the end. Tahnks for your lovely messages of support - am only sorry that you have been through such hard times too.
XXX