How to make dh understand without offending him

[Chloe55]

My baby is due in February and I mentioned to dh the other night that as well as him I would really like my mother at the birth. My reasons for this are:

1. Mum and I are very close
2. This is my first and I want her support
3. My dh will most likely need support too
4. I want her to share this experience.

Dh and mum get on very well but he was upset that I want her there because he thinks this is a personal experience that just me and him should share. I also think he thinks I have asked her because I think he can't cope. I am aware labour can be a long and exhausting process so I think he will probably be grateful when the time comes but how do I convince him this isn't a dig at my confidence in him as a birthing partner?

my DH wanted my mum there so that if I started shouting at him, he had someone who would understand what I'm like! I wanted it for all the same reasons as you, but especially no 3. think it depends how well your DH and mum get on?

as it turned out my DD was so impatient that she turned up 40 minutes before my mum got there, and DH was really pleased to see her. once she was born the MWs were concentrating on getting me sorted, and he was holding her, and he said it was nice to have someone with him so that he could go on and on about how gorgeous she was! so really mum was there for DH in the end.

cant you ask both to go into labour ward

Good point doormat. Have you ensured that you are allowed more than one person present at the birth. I had a feeling that I was only allowed one (all I wanted so no problem to me). I know you live near me but forgot which hospital you are booked in at.

I hope my DS is inpatient Lel!

I'm going to Barnsley Bozza - because I don't fall under the Barnsley catchment though I am being messed about a bit so have not yet had chance to ask them yet. I didn't think t would be a problem, I'm worried now. I guess it won't be the end of the world if mum can't be present but I know I would feel happier if she was. DH is definitely priority at the birth though.

chloe I would insist on the both of them being there
good luck

Chloe, I envie you so much. I'd LOVE to have a mum that I felt I could lean on for help and support during labor. My mum is probably the last person I'd want in the room with me.. You're very blessed!

Two things come to mind concerning your DH-

One: if this is your first, it may be a looooong labor. if you had "back up" then DH could more easily do things like pop out to the loo, or grab a coffee and sandwich, or grap YOU a sandwich, or even a 20 min. snooze ect. ect. ect. I hope you don't have a 37 hour labor- but if you did... two people could "tag team" and that would mean less of a chance that your DH would be completely exhausted at the end when you really need him on his "A" game.

Two: They've done several studies showing that women who have other women helping them during labor are much less likely to have "interventions" i.e. emergency sections or assisted deliveries with forcepts ect. Why this is the case I'm not sure, but it's been documented in more than one case study.

But I don't think it is because guys "can't cope" I think it is just because men and women have different strengths and skill sets.

If you could have DH AND your Mum- I think you'd have a fantastic advantage of having the advantage of BOTH their strenghts and strong points, that hopefully would COMPLIMENT each other.

For example, maybe one is really good at helping you with breathing and the other is really good at communicating with the midwives/medical staff to ensure that you are getting what you want/need.

Ah well I went to Huddersfield with DS so thats not an issue. And it was nearly 5 years ago so things might have changed. I had DD at home with only DH, DS and one midwife present. DS was downstairs watching tweenies and the other midwife had not arrived. My in-laws who were supposed to be collecting DS were on the M1!

No advice though really.

Maybe they can share the care throughout the 9hopefully not too long!) labour, but let DH be the only one there right at the last critical minute? He may feel uncomfortable that he will cry in front of your mum or that he wants it to be something just the 2 of you share?

if its anything like the hospital i was in they had 2 sides midwife only and the medical side i was induced so there was less space in the room so only 1 person allowed at any 1 time but my mum and dp switched and i said i wanted her their when i had the epi (didnt have time for 1 in the end) but if i was in the other side i could of had both

I had both there for the arrival of our first and it wasn't a problem at all. Mum (having had four) was a great reassurance to dh that I was ok, and that the pain I was clearly in was perfectly normal, but there was little he could do to make it any better other than be there to support me through it. I was very glad I could have both of them there. Of course the second time, dh knew what to expect and Mum was around to look after ds1! Ds2 came early though, so Mum didn't make it at all for that one, but dh is an expert birth partner now, , and we were at home and the older pair slept through!

Thanks for your comments, I guess my first thing to do is check with the hospital. Interesting point about less likely for interventions with a female present - thanks for that one!

Chloe I completely understand how you're feeling.

When I had my first I secretly wanted my mum to be there. I decided though that it was very important that it was just DH after some soul searching and I know now that I made the right decision for us.

I expect I'll get flamed for this but I honestly think you should reconsider if your DH isn't happy about her being there.

I planned to just have my partner there but in the end it went on for so long that my mum came in so that he could go home and get some kip. She was actually more useful than him, though I wanted him to be there 'on principle' if you see what I mean...
Anyway he came back a couple of hours before the end and both of them were there for actual delivery...
Why don't you suggest to your dp that your mum is there for back up and if he needs a break? That way you can sell it to him that it's more for his sake than yours?
And sure he won't mind if your mum comes along at some ghastly hour in the morning to relieve him?

That's part of my worry Aero, the fact that dh will go to pieces if he sees how much pain I'm in. He is getting cross with the fact that an epidural is not my first option (I am not ruling it out by any means) but would like to try other methods of pain relief first. He doesn't quite understand why I would put myself through the pain. I have already printed him lots of pros/cons to all pain relief though which seems to be stemming his rants at the moment. Don't get me wrong he is fantastic but he does hate to feel useless when I am hurting so it would be good for my mum to tell him it is 'normal'

Passionflower - I have thought that maybe I should be more understanding to his feelings and just have dh there. I think I will probably try and voice it so that mum will be there as and when dh needs her to be and when the time comes like you are all saying, he will probably appreciate the fact that she is.

That sounds like a good plan Chloe. Have to admit that I was begging for that epidural though.........and the relief it gave me was bliss indeed, so definitely don't rule it out! I was pretty relaxed when ds1 finally arrived.

Chloe I would have loved to have a Mum I would be comfortable to have there, as someone else said my Mum is the last person I would want in the room.

My labour was only 4 hours but I think until the pushing stage it was very boring and also stressful for DP. Inbetween contractions I remember him sitting in a chair beside me looking like a spare part. I was not the wipe my brow and rub my back kind of person in labour more like "stay the hell away from me" I think it would have been good for him to have someone to talk to especially of they had been through it themselves before.

I'm due in Jan and am planning a homebirth, heopfully sis-in-law will be there for DD and DP will be a great birthing partner.

Chloe, I had DS at BDGH, with both DH and Mum present until I ended up going into theatre for EC (only one allowed then).

I dont recall it ever being an issue, I just turned up with them both and nobody said anything.

In fact they were both sat there drinking tea and gossiping while I was throwing up. Charming!

Hope everything works out OK.

My mum was there for my first it wasnt planned but after 38 hours of labour the queen could have walked in and I wouldnt have batted an eyelid!She made my dad drive to hospital and popped into see me one minute very little was happening next it was finally action stations to be honest I didnt realised she had been there till afterwards.

I agree with passion flower....I wanted dh there as my birthing partner but I was scared that when the time come he would go to pieces,or stress me out more etc so I suggested that maybe my mum came as back up OR at least was told what was happening so if I neeeded her she was only 10-15 mins away at home...DH didn't really want this as he thought this as "our" special time and he assured me 100% that he would be there throughout and wouldn't leave me alone OR wouldn't freak out etc. Well I can gladly say he stuck to his promise. The whole time I was in labour was 11 hours and dh didn't even go to the toilet! Bless him...

I hope you and your dh come to a joint decision...good luck.

My mum was the last person i thought i wanted at the birth of my DS. My DH told me he would be fine and that it should just be the two of us. As it turned out, my DH wasnt feeling well on the day and he asked if we could call my mum. She turned up an hour before the delivery, watched him be born and stayed for about an hour to make sure we were all ok, took some pictures and went home. She said that it was the most wonderful experience short of giving birth herself.

my mom would have been an absolute nightmare at my birth!

as it was i managed a completely drug free labour with my partners support, he understood me well enough to know when i needed to be left alone and when i needed a cuddle or a sip of water.

i do think if your partner feels he would be cut out if your mother is there, maybe it would be wisest not to make him feel resentful that shes butting in on what should be a hugely personal
event for you two. have her close at hand if you cant cope but don't insist she be there the whole time.

I had Mum and Dh their for Dd's birth. Far from making him a spare part Mum supported both of us. It's a scary process for men, after all they've (hopefully) never seen you in so much pain and feel they can't do anything about it.

Maybe you can ask your Mum to be at the hospital, but not in the labour room itself. Then if either you or your Dh feel the need for her to be present then she's not far away.

An epidural wasn't my first prefence either, and when I decided I wanted a water birth Dh wasn't too pleased about it. (Actually said "Can't you just lay on your back with your legs in the air like every other women" Bless him.) I explained to him that this was a decision I had to take because it was something I had to do. I had to feel comfortable, and he understood.

Hope it all turns out well, G