7 months after emcs i sometimes feel totally depressed- is this normal?

[goodmum123]

I had a bad case of pre-eclampsia four weeks before and four weeks after the birth. I never got to the stage of fitting but things were not good. worst bp was 195/155, vomiting, migraines, generally feeling crap. Baby was 5lb6 and struggled to breastfeed when born. I breastfed as best i could and ended up mixing feeds which meant she would not feed from me anymore, without hour long screaming fits. Eventually got back to 'normal' but still can't shake some awful feelings and thoughts. I feel so low that sometimes I feel like driving myself (just myself) into a brick wall. Sometimes i feel totally useless as a wife, mother and in my work. I feel totally jealous of people and im always feeling hard done by and comparing myself to others. I sometimes have such hate in me and begin to wish I was dead as someone as horrible as me does not deserve to be here. Then within a day i feel kind of back to normal. Then it comes to haunt me again. I know at the beginning i did not like my baby, but maybe the pre-eclampsia etc helped with that. I love her deeply now but ocassionally i think to myself that she has ruined my life. My husband is wonderful but does let me do everything which i am feeling resentful for. I was asked after birth if i felt depressed and answered that i was fine when really i wasnt. I even feel jealous of a friend who has moved into a lovely new house with her new baby. I came away upset and thought horrible thoughts eg. her baby is not as nice as mine, how could she afford that house etc etc... since having the baby evrything gets blown out of proportion and i worry about everything. Will this go away on it's own? Feel like crapmum123

sorry to hear that you are feeling very low goodmum123. It sounds like you've been through a very traumatic time. You must speak to someone about this and how you are feeling. Is there a PND service near you that you could get in contact with? If you're not sure, can you ask your doctor or health visitor to refer you to one?

Just to tell you my story, I had an EMCS and a terrible time trying to BF too. After about 2 months things got better, but even 2 months later I was still having bad thoughts and was running the whole birth and BFing thing through in my mind all the time and feeling really anxious. I mentioned it to the doctor and asked if there was someone to speak to about all of it, and I was referred to the local pnd service for counselling. I'm really glad I did - it's been really helpful to talk to someone about everything that happened and work through my thoughts and feelings about it all.

Please get some help. And you are not a crapmum123 x

You may have post natal depression or you might just be being a mum - I regularly feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I think unreasonable expectations are placed upon us (by ourselves and by others). Talk to your GP or HV as you may need help.

I used to tell myself that mums who bragged that dd was sleeping through at 2 weeks old and rarely cried (dd screamed lots and sleep was very rare), that their babies would be horrible teens.

I think it took about 10 months to feel like me again after dd was born. Having said that, on the outside people probably thought all was great and didn't realise that the 37 stitches I had down below had knocked my confidence and still hurt at 6 months etc.

Take care of yourself and speak to people until you find the help that works. Big hug xx

Oh darling, huge hugs to you! Please give your HV a call, and give them a flavour of what you just said. You're not a crap mum or wife, but you do sound like you've had a crap time of it and it's perfectly understandable that you don't feel quite right in yourself. I'm sure there's plenty of other mn'ers with more salient advice than me, but am sending you my best wishes. X x x

It sounds as though you are having a really hard time. I think talking to your gp or hv is a good idea.

i have recently started taking anti depressants because of feelings and anxiety that just won't go away, and that leave me feeling utterly useless. The emotions that I have had since having ds (9 months old) have completely overwhelmed me, and are certainly very different to the feelings of exhaustion and worry that I had after having dd1 and 2 (5 and 4). For me personally I just felt that I owed it to our dcs to try and climb out of the hole I felt I was in as quickly as possible, and didn't feel i could do it without some help.

The antidepressants have made a huge difference, and although i am only on a low dose, i find it just helps me cope, and takes away that despairing feeling. I also have a lot of awful feelings relating to ds's birth, and have been referred to a birth trauma counsellor. Maybe there is something similar in your area.

Look after yourself, and try to talk to someone.

Thank you very much theborrower, PrincessScrumpy, Bag of Holly and hazey jane. Im so grateful for your replies. I felt okay today, but Ive felt okay before and then suddenly everything comes to a head again and I feel terrible. So, im taking your advice and on Wednesday, before i go to work im going to call in and see the health visitor without the baby and explain what has been going on. I think i have been covering up as i didnt want anything negative writing about me as i work in education and early years and worry (again!!) about this affecting my reputation, silly im sure. When i had my baby and managed to read my notes one day, when i was bored in hospital, the midwife had written, 'mother was totally unresponsive today' and this stuck in my head going round and round. The fact that i was on three drips in intensive care probably had something to do with it and im sure they didnt mean that i didnt care. In fact all this writing and getting things off my mind is very therapeutic so thank you so much.

theborrower- thank you for sharing your personal story and im glad things are working out well for you now.
PrincessScrumpy- thanks for your story and im glad you are feeling more like you again
Bagofholly-thanks for your best wishes
hazeyjane- im glad that you got yourself help, just as i will

I will keep you posted.

feelingbettermum123 xxx

That sounds like an excellent, and very brave plan. I hope you get some support and reassurance, and will bet you there are loads of women reading this thread feeling EXACTLY the same. Please do update, I shall be thinking of you, and everyone else who has ever felt rubbish in motherhood despite doing a sterling job. X x

goodmum123 I'm glad to hear that you are going to get some help, keep us posted.

Well, I went to the drop-in session today during work and so I saw the HV without the baby. She was just wonderful, understanding and totally reassuring. She did an assessment and had a word with the doctor and it seems as though it is PND. I explained that it comes and goes, and that before I gad put on a brave face ans sometimes lied a bit. She is coming to my house after work on Monday to discuss everything and talk through everything that sometimes becomes to much. She thinks that most women woth PND can come out of the tunnel by admitting something is wrong then talking it through, even sometimes going over the birth notes with a midwife. However, sometime some women need drugs but that is only if nothing else seems to be working.
So, a BIG thank you. I felt relief after posting a few days ago and now im doubly relieved that i have passed it on and have someone understanding what i am going through. I kno that if/ when the dark feelings come back I will have a security blanket to help me through

Lots of love xxxx

Heyyy! Hello lovely, I wondered how you were getting on! I'm so so pleased that you're being looked after properly and that things are a bit brighter. And your HV sounds like a sensible sort too. I can only imagine how much nerve it took to have that conversation - I think women are awfully good at putting a brave face on even when things are pretty dark sometimes.

Lots of love, I hope Monday goes well, and that all the other mums who are feeling like this too, are half as brave as you are. X x x

I'm so glad that you are getting some help. I felt so much better just being able to talk about all this stuff with someone. I'm glad you have a good HV, have you a friend or 2 you can confide in. I have found that since telling my closest friends about feeling so down, it has made a big difference (one told me that she has been seeing a councellor too). I found that before i was trying to avoid seeing people, but now its out there, i feel better about getting out.

Let us know how you get on on Monday. Posting on mumsnet is a wonderful way of getting stuff out of your system!

goodmum123 - That's great, I'm glad to hear that you went along and had an honest chat with the HV and are getting some help (she sounds like a good one). As bagofholly and hazeyjane said, I think a lot of women put on a brave front and don't admit to finding things hard or feeling really low. After all, we're supposed to be euphoric after having a baby and walking round truly glowing aren't we? That's why I didn't tell anyone, nor my friends to start with, because I also felt guilty about not feeling happy. But talking about it is the first step to recovery I think. I've found it very therapeutic to write on MN - to hear other's stories and just get it out. I hope everything goes well on Monday. Wishing you all the best xx

Thank you all. I went to a little babies group today and told 2 new friends that i was a bit low and they were fab, one saying that she was exactly the same when her baby was younger and it was so good to talk that i then felt good again. All feels strange and emotional but sooo much better than I felt even a few days ago. Thank you again, will repost on Monday evening xx

Hello again, HV visitor came and gave some very good advice in that I must keep telling husband how I feel. I have another appointment next week where she can refer me for counselling if need be but tbh I dont think ill need it as talking to her, hubby and you lovely ladies seems to be doing the trick. The negative thoughts quickly get replaced by more positive ones. I told my manager at work and she was great, actually admitting that she has depression sometimes herself and is on medication for it! So, again, another person to be honest and open with. I wish i had done this months ago then things may not have spiralled out of control as they did a week ago. Thanks for your support xxx

Do you know if your hospital has a post-birth counselling session you could attend? I had one 12 months after my EMCS with DS. The midwife who went through my notes was lovely and reasurred me that the post-natal care in hospital was frankly, a bit shit, and I shouldn't feel bad about how I felt after the birth.

For months I had been thinking I was the incapable one, and pathetic that I struggled so much after the EMCS. But actually, the care was pretty dire and it was a rough start for us. Needless to say, I was a diva after my planned CS next time around and bossed the midwives around. It was a much better experience.

A session might clear the air for you a little. All the best . x

Thanks Meglet. I might ask for that if I feel bad again but for now things seem okay. TBH the care I received at Chesterfield hospital was outstanding even though the ward was so busy, it's just that the pre-eclampsia took over me physically and mentally, if you get what I mean? and basically ruined what should have been the best time of my life xx