35+3 and starting to freak out...

[kviddy]

I suppose the title says it all really!

The birth is getting closer and I find I keep having days where I just don't cope. Last night the crying started and I cried on and off all night. Woke up exhausted and shattered. Not really sure what anyone can do but just hoping writing this out will be cathartic and someone will be able to commiserate with me.

I had my final consultant review this week and said that I was getting concerned about the fact that baby Kviddy is on track to be more than 9 pounds at delivery. Doc said not to worry about it too much (easier said than done!) and then I mentioned that really, I would like an epidural as soon as it possible for me to have one. I've never been good with pain and to be honest natural childbirth just doesnt appeal. He told me he thought this was a great idea as if i did need a section with baby getting stuck (as he/she is meant to be big) I would be already to go. He then mentioned gently that the midwives would do all they could to discourage me from having one. He said that they were constantly having to tell them that epidurals were ok and that that is why where we live has a much lower ratio of epidurals than elsewhere in the UK.

Now... during our parentcraft classes the midwife made it clear that epidurals wouldn't be withheld (I asked at every class!) but that you might find you dont need one. We live somewhere extremely small and one to one care during labour is normal and I should point out everyone raves about how fantastic the birth experiences are here. But then most people I've run into want a totally natural child birth and I just....don't.

Its leaving me feeling that my wishes wont be respected and I'll be pushed beyond what i'm comfortable with for a goal I don't really want. This is leaving me feeling quite vulnerable and scared. This in turns keeps replaying my first pelvic exam in my mind (which was not in the UK). I was 20, a virgin and had had a thrush for about a year before I finally plucked up the courage to go. I chose the wrong gyno to go to- it was a nightmare from start to finish. a rough breast exam, too large a speculum being inserted, when my knees kept closing trying to get away from it they were forcibly held open by a nurse, once the speculum was removed, the doc inserted fingers and palpitated my abdomen, then pulled my labia apart to have a good look and finished my using her thumb to give me a rectal exam. She never told me what she was doing through any of this so I left really scared, feeling a bit violated and in quite a bit of pain. whilst I have been treated with nothing but kindness here, the thought of having to trust someone so much I have never met freaks me out. The thought that they could well have to cut me, sew me up etc makes me want to vomit.

So overall, I'm just in a massive freak out.

Help? :(

So sorry you have had difficult experiences.
It does sound like you could do with making a birth plan to deal with some of the issues you have mentioned.

Having an epidural may make it more likely your baby would get into a difficult position to birth, if so that can increase your chances of needing more interventions like episiotomy/forceps/Emergency cesarean.

It does sound like you have made up your mind that you don't want to have aan unmedicated birth, and as your informed decision, it should be restected by the midwives. Both midwives and doctors do like you to be in established labour before you have an epidural (so at least 3-4cms dilated). For some women this can take hours of early/pre labouir contractions, so it would be a good idea to have coping strategies at home to make sure you are in active labour by the time you get to hospital (having regular contractions, at least every 5 mins and lasting about a minute usually).

Have you considered that your fears about privacy and internal exams/pain may be fueling your desire for a medicated birth? You could consider asking for no vaginal exams during labour, whilst they are routine to monitor progress, they are not compulsory.

Have you considered a doula to support you emotionally? Doulas do not only support homebirtyhs/natural births, they support high risk births with epidurals too!
Have a look at the website if you are interested-
doula.org.uk/
I would also consider talking to n experienced midwife (see if your hospital has a consultant midwife or a supervisor of midwives specialising in Tokophobia-fear of birth to make a birth plan)
Finally, sizing scans are notoriously wrong and many women have big babies with no trouble at all, See-
www.bigbaby.org.uk/
and
www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/firstindex.html

Have you tried any hypnotherapy cd's to help you relax and stay calm about the birth?
Take care,
Selina x

Having some of the same issues as you about vaginal examinations, I've taken he opposite tack and wanted natual births with no VE's and no epidurals, as this meant less chance of interference. However, it is your right to get an epidural, if in severe pain (even if not yet in "established labour". You should read the webchat form a month or so ago on mumsnet with the anaesthetist. He spelled it all out very clearly. Then, write a good birth plan, and make sure your birth partner understands what you want and why you want it, so they can advocate for you.

I can sympathise with the whole VE issue. I hate anything going on 'down there' and was terrified about what it might mean in labour. In the end I told my MW, who was offering a sweep, that I simply could not do that. She wrote all over my notes that this was likely to be an issue, and most people seemed to have respected it. One MW was a bit more insistent that it would be necessary, but by then I had an epidural and didn't feel a thing. If you feel you can confide in your MW, perhaps she can help. Otherwise, yes, a VE is not obigatory, although even from my terrified point of view, it was nice to know that I had made some progress!
I had no problems getting an epidural, but it was on the advice of the reg who reckoned I was going to end up with either ventouse, forceps, or section, so we might as well prepare properly.

Sorry I abandoned my tread for a few days.. just been thinking it all through.

Selina Thank you for your post and links- "big baby" was especially helpful! I am slightly concerned that the stories posted are more the exception than the rule but glad nonetheless to read them. I'm not terribly over weight but plus pregnancy made some good points. We don't have a lot of doulas around here and to be honest, I'm not sure i'm really that comfortable with anyone other than DH being present at the birth... I just want as few people as possible to be around. I'm really scared of feeling out of control and having a total loss of dignity... I think this is quite likely to to be fueling my desire for a medicated birth. When the midwife told me a few weeks ago she thought the baby was breech (he/she has since flipped to head down- confirmed by ultrasound) I was secretly thrilled. ELCS seems so much more controlled somehow and skips over all the issues that really scare me- being denied pain relief, lots of painful vaginal exams etc (although I fully appreciate the a CS has its own negatives and is major surgery after all). Sigh. I have a MW appointment this week so I am hoping to have the chance to bring some of this up with her. She is really lovely (here you see the same MW ante natal and post natal just sadly not for the birth- that would've really helped).

Checkmate and Work

Thank you for sympathising. Its good to know I'm not the only one who is finding it all a bit stressful. I've written a birth plan that I think covers most eventualities but i am not really sure that you can always count on it being honoured? Either due to the MW feeling along the lines of "silly mums these days thinking they can script out the labour and birth... we'll do what i think is best..." or there being an emergency where the baby's health or mine would have to take immediate precedence over my wishes. No matter how much I say "no forceps" if they rush towards me with them and say- either you let us do this or your baby is going to be starved of oxygen etc of course you agree. I just hate the powerless/vulnerable way thinking about the birth makes me fell. Hopefully I am just being quite hormonal/panicky and when the day comes it will all go smoothly and I'll have someone lovely and supportive. Until then... well, I guess I have to just try not to stress about it too much.

Its going to be a long month.

dont worry hunny......i had my first baby 21 months ago a little girl who weighed 9lb 7 1/2 oz and to be honest it was hard but i recovered soooo well i was megga surprised. i did end up with an epidural but only because they induced me too quickly and i went off the wall with pain, (i had a very inexperienced midwife who was really sorry after the birth) but i have forgotton it all and i too am 35 weeks and 3 days!!!!!! it didnt put me off one little bit. my dd is just beautiful and worth all the pain. this baby is estimated to be over 10lb and i see my consultant tomorrow as its breech so i may well need a c section which i really dont want. but ill know what they are going to do tomorrow. i know this sounds weird but im really excited about the birth. you will be too when the time comes. honest!!!
please try not to get upset or panic. when the time comes you will just go with it and you will surprise yourself at how well you will do.
good luck x

kviddy I can totally sympathise with your fears. I think everyone worries about the birth and with your previous experiences it is totally understandable that you are so worried.

There is some great advice on here already. It was irresponsible of the Doctor to mention the baby getting stuck in my opinion. Estimates of birth weight are not accurate and you will more than likely have a straightforward birth.

Agree with the others that you should consider putting no VE on your notes. Also, is your birth partner fully briefed with your wishes and willing to stand up for you?

Was also wondering if a homebirth would be an option for you? You would have 2 MW in constant attendance and being at home might make you feel more in control, what do you think?

Please try not to worry too much. You will soon have your lovely LO in your arms and have years of enjoyment to look forward too.