So scared....and not even pregnant yet

[KarenWalker]

I'm not pregant, but am looking for some help. I'm getting to That Stage where husband and I are thinking we'll be ditching the contraception soon. Financially perhaps not great (but it never is, and if I wait to be financially stable, it will never happen!), but our relationship is in a good place, I'm emotionally ready and all that. There's just one tiny problem, before we've even begun, I'm scared out of my wits.

I'm not even sure if it's a rational fear (to me it is!) but I have been mocked for it and even told if I'm not ready to give birth, I'm not cut out to be a mother (which I find really upsetting).

I can remember being scared of it from the age of 11 when we first got the Period Talk from the tampax lady. I'm actually squeamish about alot of things Down There - I'm 30, and cannot bring myself to use tampons, I go to smears but only because my sister and I go together (she threatens that she won't go if I don't) and have been known to erm, Shut Up Shop as it were during crucial moments with my husband because I will think about getting pregnant and therefore giving birth.

So, as I can't bring myself to insert dry cotton wool, I'm hoping that someone understands just how much the idea of a sweep or crowning a baby's head bothers me. I worry about midwives who are overworked and subscribe to the 'Tough Love' school and getting railroaded into something I don't want and no one advocating for me (in my head, I'll be in a vulnerable position and my husband isn't the most assertive bloke).

There is literally not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Being this anxious about it is really upsetting me (I'm premenstrual today as well and have actual cried about it).

I was hoping someone would have a suggestion as to solving this - I really want a family and this fear is taking over.

Thanks in advance.

Karen - I think you are over-thinking this.

I am going to gently and compassionately suggest that you may not be ready yet.

You seem anxious without actually being able to say exactly what it is about pregnancy/childbirth that concerns you.

If this anxiety is actually getting you upset, then this is (imho) no time to be considering having a baby.

Thank you for reading my post ooopsadaisy.

It is the pain and discomfort (which I know no one relishes the thought of). I'm not at all bothered about the dignity flying out of the window (eg. the idea that I will poo myself alot doesn't bother me).

You are right, I am overthinking it. Totally different, what with being an adult now, but I remember being the same about periods - I must have worried about them every day from being 11 to when they started at 13 - what a waste of energy that was!

I get what you are saying about not being ready, but I'm conscious that while the biological clock is far from critical, I feel that I should be prioritising it.

Thank you for reading.

I don't think being afraid of birth will have any impact on how you are as a mother! Maybe it would be worth seeking some counselling, perhaps even some psychosexual counselling to address your specific fears.

I think I might have to alice, I'm googling now.

I appreciate your encouragement.

Glad to read that you are looking into counselling.

It sounds as if your issues go deeper than pregnancy/childbirth.

I could sit here and tell you how easy and uncomplicated I found pregnancy and childbirth but that is of no relevance. These things are all entirely personal and your concerns need to be treated with the utmost respect and support.

On the other hand, I could share with you all my difficulties with being a mother, from breastfeeding through to terrible teens, but again, this is not relevant to you.

I hope whatever your future holds it is a happy one. I hope you don't feel pressurised to start a family until you feel ready to.

I have concerns and worries about things that others would think "what?!". We are all different and thank goodnesss for it.

Thank you for your kind words - I'm fortunate that I'm not under any pressure - my husband is of the 'if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, meh' mentality - he's lovely. Lacks the equipment to do it FOR me, but very lovely all the same. The only pressure I'm under comes from myself and the Daily Mail ;)

I actually would like to read some positive stories so might hunt some out - it's a special time, right?

Karen, two minor comments that may be of some help? First, I have a friend who had similar fears. Her grandmother had been a midwife and she just got a big dose of childbirth from a young age and got herself freaked out about it. She ended up pregnant at nearly 40, somewhat unintentionally because she couldn't quite bring herself to get pregnant internationally. Flash forward four years and she's a very happy mother of one, with a great little girl. She didn't much like being pregnant (though frankly, neither did I) and worried about childbirth, but got through it just fine.

Second, childbirth is at most 48 hours of your life. At most. This is not a huge chunk of time. It just isn't that big a deal. Being pregnant, in my view, is long and boring, but childbirth is very quick in comparison.

I'd second Alice's suggestion for counseling. I had fears about childbirth because of an underlying health condition that could complicate it and put me at risk. Talking the details through with the doctor and making sure that plans were in place to keep me safe made a huge difference in my comfort level and allowed me to relax and have two great births. A doula was an enormous help to. And I'd strongly vote for hypnobirthing preparation for you. Even if you don't succeed at hypnotizing yourself, you will have learned to relax your body-- the key to making childbirth easier.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your helpful advice - I'm pleased you had positive births and you're right, it is small in the scheme of things. I have thought about whether a doula might be a help for me, I will definitely consider that.

Giving birth can be scary. And it can be hard enough when you're not already nervous and you start to hear all these horror stories. But giving birth is just one small part of being a mother and having children.

I would recommend that you go to your GP and discuss this, maybe counselling would be appropriate. If and when you decide to get pregnant you can always consider hiring a doula to advocate on your behalf during the birth. Also, remember that midwifes are trained to treat women who have been sexually abused, experienced FGM and other traumas. They can minimize the amount of VEs they perform. You do not have to have a sweep.

I hope you're able to figure this out. And the best of luck to you whatever you decide.

Hi, I have similar issues regarding using tampons and I'd never dream of using a diaphragm as contraception for instance. I'm ridiculously squeamish about touching myself in that area for some reason, and childbirth has always held many fears for me too. However, I'm sitting here now 40 weeks pregnant, bouncing on my gym ball, and finding that, whilst I'm still frightened of what will happen, the fear is somewhat less than I imagined it to be. I presume it's because I know there will be something tangible at the end of it, I'm now really quite uncomfortable and tired, my stretchmarks are getting steadily worse by the day, I want to meet my baby, and as someone else said, it will start and then it WILL finish. It will be uncomfortable and painful and difficult but it won't last forever.

I don't want to belittle your thoughts or feelings because it might be that you do need counselling to help you with this. However, in my case it's the fear of the unknown that is more scary than anything and actually being pregnant seems to have helped me. So far anyway, I'll update in a few days !!!

KarenWalker, I actually think it's pretty sensible to address your fears before you get pregnant (which you are obviously willing to do, by posting here now) -

I can't quite tell what it is that you are scared about from your posts - I think childbirth itself, not pregnancy or generally being a mother?

I hope I've got that right. Anyway - if you are dealing with a phobia or a very strong irrational fear, then all the reasonable comments in the world won't necessarily help. I don't mean that in a harsh way - I know logically when I'm at the top of a high building, I'm not going to fall off, and someone can tell me that until they're blue in the face. but I'm still terrified of heights.

If it helps at all, I had/have a birth phobia - I was diagnosed with primary tokophobia by my perinatal mental health care team, and had an elective C section for my 1st DC.

It was a wonderful birth, a great experience, and I was very happy to have it. I love having my son, and think I'm doing pretty well as a mum.

Just wanted to add that to the responses you've had. It's not for everyone, but it was right for me.

Just to say you are not alone Karenwalker. i have had the same fear and waited until 34 til i got pregnant. i never discussed it with anyone professional but wish i had because it is real and i think is called tokophobia (fear of giving birth). i believe you could find a sensitive doctor who could arrange for a c-section. i didnt do this at all and began reading many books to prepare myself which i found incredibly useful but was always secretly wishing i would have to have a c-section. Be careful what you wish for..... at 7months baby was breech so they mentioned c-section which i jumped at. wrongly or rightly i did everthing opposite to what they told me so that the baby did not turn!! the baby did not turn and unfortunately, maybe as payback, i then got the worse case of pre-eclampsia at 37 ish weeks which meant i had to have an emergency c-section that afternoon. however, the c-section was amazing and to be honest i was relaxed about the birth from when the baby was breech as i knew i had the option of having a c-section. therefore, i would seriously consider asking for what you want then you may be able to relax and enjoy getting and being pregnant. hope that helps?

Thank you so much everyone. You've really reassured me.

Adamomma, that's a good point about their training and minimal examinations.

Allbellyandboobs, wow! I'm so pleased for you and I await and update.

Gloyw, yes it is definitely the childbirth thing. I'm not phased by the motherhood stuff - which actually is the biggest responsibility I know! I had heard of tokophobia, but I didn't realise mental health care teams took it seriously - I'm pleased that they do. I think it is wonderful that you had such a positive experienced and it is nice to hear you are doing well.

Thank you goodmum, your post was helpful and its good to hear about positive experiences.

I definitely need to relax and your posts definitely help.

Hi there,

I really understand what it feels like to not know if you are ready to become a parent for fear of the medical things that you need to go through. In my eyes I have the worlds worst needle phobia, and am a very anxious person who goes to see a psychologist for anxiety - this has been a massive help to me and I would thoroughly recommend it.
For many years my fears completely put me off starting a family with my husband as I just didn't think that I could manage to mabke it through. I'm now 34 and am 12 weeks pregnant, the last few weeks have been quite a rollercoaster ride - at first total shock that I was pregnant - which led to feelings of 'oh shitting hell' how am I going to get through this? To the elation of telling family and friends and feeling so immensly proud - to the dread of my Midwife booking appointment knowing that I had to have 6 vials of blood taken. I managed to get through it though, in all of the scariest parts my husband has provided the most amazing support. Also, the Midwife was just so lovely - I literally was crying and in a complete mess for the whole hour long appointment, but she let me take my time and was so wonderfully supportive knowing that anxiety levels were so high that day. I guess that what I am trying to say is that in my small amount of experience so far, is that the highs of being pregnant are amazing and you CAN get through the scary stuff, as people are so nice and supportive to you.

I really think that from reading your original message you can see that you really want to be a Mum, and I think that with some support and guidance you can absolutely get there, I really believe it. Maybe speaking with someone and getting counselling on the negative thoughts that you are going through will bring you a lot of confidence and happiness to move forward and start a family - when you are ready to :)

Hiya!
I haven't read all the other responses but I just thought I would post my own. Just floating some ideas for coping with the idea of pregnancy and birth.

Have you thought about having hypnotherapy to help with your fears? There is a type of therapy you can do called "fear-release". This helps you let go of terrible fears you have about something and feel more calm about it. If you do get any form of counselling/psychotherapy I would try to choose someone who specialises in childbirth & postnatal mental health.

Then if you do get pregnant I would recommend doing a hypnobirthing course and don't go to any other antenatal courses (except maybe breastfeeding). I won't go into all the details of hypnobirthing but it's sort of like sports psychology for birth (visualisation of a positive birth process & outcome, deep relaxation, breathing, positive affirmation). IME it doesn't make for a perfect pain free birth but it does help you to stay calm and in control and helps you approach decision making in a way that helps you stay in control. It also helps develop a positive view of your body's ability to give birth to your baby. Even women who didn't end up with the birth they wanted said they found the techniques useful and they felt that they'd been able to give their body the best shot. A hypnobirthing practitioner might also be able to do pre-pregnancy fear-release sessions for you. There are two types of HB programs: Hypnobirthing by Marie Mongan (American) and Natal Hypnotherapy (British), you could look them both up and see if either one suits you.

Also, have you considered a home birth? I had a home birth for my first baby and therefore had no problems with negative interactions with staff. Everyone who came into my house was very respectful of my preferences and more importantly of touching my body or my baby. If you are interested then look at www.homebirth.org.uk

The other option would be to talk to an obstetric consultant about your fears (called tokophobia - fear of childbirth) and if you think it would suit you, ask for an elective caesarean. It depends which approach you think would be best for you, but in my opinion mental health reasons for caesareans are just as valid as other medical reasons.

Good luck x

Hi all

Some fantastic advice CalmInsomniac - I hadn't heard of hypnobirthing, so I am definitely going to find out more on that. I hate the idea of being scared by too much information - it does more harm than good for some of us doesn't it.

x