coping with pregnancy and birth as a single parent

[Carriel]

Hi

We would really like to include something on this for the next mumsnet book Mums On Pregnancy - the heading, something like "Going it alone ? how do you cope if you?re a single parent/parent-to-be?". We have about five comments so far from Tinker, Anais, Sheila, SueW and Joe 82, but could do with a few more contributions. So if anyone's been through pregnancy and/or birth as a single parent or knows anyone else who's been through it or has any insights into coping with either the practical side, dealing with hospitals, the actual birth etc or the emotional side of it all, sharing all the pregnancy milestones etc it would be great if you could add them to this thread. We hope to get the last few bits of the book sent off today or tommorrow, so if you can help, please do!

i separated from my p when i was 5 months pregnant with our third child,it was my choice as the pregnancy was unplanned and he refused to take anything to do with it whatsever.this was my worst pregnancy of all 3 with more sickness massive exhaustion and just generally feeling lousy and with 2 other children to look after(one with special needs)i really needed his help and support.we were together 9 years before this and he always helped around the house and a bit with the kids although was never great with eldest(with autism)but when i became pregnant he stopped helping at all.i had to do all the housework,childcare etc even though i felt so bad,it was as if i was being punished for concieving this baby.i managed better once he had left as i didnt have to struggle on and watch him sitting by though i was worried about the birth and towards the end i became exhausted and unwell and began to feel really worried about being able to look after my other children as after asking him for help he refused.i even asked to be started off as i was getting so helpless and worried about going into labour in the middle of the night all by myself with my other kids around.
In the end up went into labour 2 weeks early which is the norm for me and he turned up at the hospital even though i told him in no certain terms did i want him there,but when the time came i was in no fi tstate to argue,i didnt want him there as i didnt feel he deserved to be handed our new baby for him to play the doting daddy when all through the pregnancy he took nothing to do with her.since she has been here(she is 10 mths)he still has very little to do with her it took him until she was 6 weeks old to hold her even though he was down most nights,he still does very little for her but it tears my heart out when i see her looking at him and waiting for him to acknowledge her and he doesnt even look her way,he doesnt deserve to have her and i dont even feel as if she has two parents.she was a very unsettled baby and i took her to a chiropractor who done some NET work on her and discovered through her that she felt rejected by her father and that she had to work to earn his love and wasnt automatically given it like a child should have been, she was only 9 weeks old at the time.this just comfirmed to me that he didnt deserve her and has damaged her emotionally for good,for that i could never forgive him.
Hope this helps for ypur book could probably go on but realise other things need to go in the book too.LOL.
LOOBIE

Hi,

I went through pregnancy and childbirth etc on my own. It was a difficult phase, the pregnancy was unplanned but my partner at the time was pleased about it at first then when I was about 6-8 weeks he walked out on me, leaving me with a house that also needed to be completely renovated. Fortunately I had managed to put in the central heating, bathroom and kitchen but there was no decoration and no carpets etc etc. Any how at the time I was devasted and thought how am I going to cope financially etc etc. I hadn't been at my job 2 years so wasn't entitled to full maternity benefits. It's funny though knowing that I was carrying another life inside me, gave me the strength to get through it all. I had really good friends and family but obviously you still have to do it alone. My ex-partner didn't help me at all not even finacially with buying things for the baby to be or seeing how I was. I had odd phone calls with him and when I was due he made sure he was on holiday so that hopefully he wouldn't be around for the birth. I ended up working lots of overtime to try and save some money so that I could still pay the mortgage when I was on maternity leave as I wouldn't be getting full pay. I sacrificed a lot and my lifestyle completely changed as my main concern was to have the money to tide me over until I went back to work. I don't feel I really enjoyed the pregnancy as much as I should have because I was worried about coping and also I suppose I was embarrassed to say that I was going to be a single mum!! I managed to get the house decorated as best I could as well in this time so that at least I felt the house was cosy, nice etc for the baby.

When the time came for the baby to be born, I waited until as long as possible when the contractions started and phoned the hospital who said I should go to them. I phoned a friend and my sister. My friend lived nearer and had said she would be with me so she took me to the hospital and my sister arrived later. When I got to the hospital I was 5cm. My baby boy was born a few hours later and it was all worth it. I didn't tell the midwife that I was on my own as I thought that they might have tried to interfere too much etc so I used to make excuses as to where my partner was when she came round. I got told off by them for doing too much and that I should rest (but hey who can when you're on your own with a new baby). When I went home the next day after giving birth it was just me and my new baby - very daunting but I knew I just had to get on with it. I tried breast feeding but this just made me more tired and took up too much time as I had to do other things without any one else there to help me. So I eventually started to wheen him off after a week. I also was anaemic during my pregnancy and then lost a lot of blood at birth so was still anaemic and am still now - so this just added to the general tiredness. I went back to work when my little boy was 4 months old and put him into a full-time nursery. He didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 4 - total nightmare when you need to work etc. My ex-partner has been no help at all and just caused me more grief and stress. He has intermittently decided to be a part of his son's life and then not. In the past he has gone about 4-6 months without seeing him and then decided he wants to see him (basically when he has not been with someone else in his life). He has been a complete pain but for the sake of my son I still let him see him as I felt it was important for my son to get to know his dad. Unfortunately this has not happened as his dad has decided yet again not to see him and hasn't seen him for just over a year now. It's my son that I worry about - what do I tell him when he is old enough to understand. He is now 6 years old and knows his dad but he doesn't seem to bothered about not seeing him at the moment. I have also had lots of financial problems from my ex-father with regard to maintenance. He started to pay me in the beginning then stopped it, then started it, then dropped it a bit then dropped it again and at the moment he now pays £26 a month - my childchare is £75 a week for a before and after school club. I have had nothing but hassle from the CSA who are totally incompetent and inefficient. Finally after 6 months of ringing them every week sometimes more than twice a week, we have an assessment of what my ex-partner should pay for maintenance. The CSA have told me excuse after excuse for the delays in sorting my problem out - which has just caused me more stress. My ex-partner things I'm bitter and twisted for going to the CSA to get maintenance from him for my child and has threatened to go back to doing is black cabbing full time so that he doesn't declare his earnings so that I won't get any money from him then. He is now a fireman and does black cabbing on his days off. Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so wrong in my choice of a partner. The only good thing is that I have a lovely son who makes life worthwhile. Very difficult having to make all the decisions on your own and having no-one to discuss things with or to share the pressure or worries etc. I could go on forever but I'd better stop.

Hope this helps.

Bye

Hi
This thread really struck a cord with me as my friend has just been left by her husband two weeks after giving birth (she also has toddler). Any tips for coping or ideas for how I can support her (unfortunately she lives a long way away so day to day help isn't an option) from people who've been through it (and come out the other side) would be great.
Thanks!

jimmychoos just be there for her,my dd is unwell at the moment and i havent been able to leave the house since thursday afternoon except to collect ds's to and from school on friday i am on my on as well and have seen no-one and spoke to no-one while stuck in the house except of course for my kids,what i would give just to have someone come to stay over for the night or visit for a few hours to give me some adult sanity.

jimmychoos - I don't really have much experience but are you close enough to do things like cook her a huge batch of freezer meals and take them round maybe once a month or something like that? If not, what about if you phone her regularly and give her someone to mouth off to/tell all her problems too.

Also, as I'd recommend to anyone, what about getting her onto Mumsnet?

Loobie and Matty your stories have really moved me. I agree that one of the hardest things is the financial worry. I'm lucky that my ex is well-off and so far has been generous with money, but we have no formal agreement and I'm continually worried that he'll stop paying and we may lose our home. Worst of all is the pain that it all causes our children. My ds is just beginning to realise that most little boys' daddies live with them and he can't understand why his doesn't. My ex is also very erratic in his visits - will come regularly for a few weeks and then break off contact altogether for weeks at a time. Sometimes I think this is worse than not coming at all and I hate him for it but of course I feel I have to be nice to him for DS's sake and to ensure he keeps on paying maintenance. It's all so hard, but I wouldn't be without my boy.

Jimmychoos I think it would help your friend a lot to just show some understanding of what she's experiencing - phone her regularly and visit whenever you can, without making her feel like a charity case. If you can get to know her child well so you could look after him/her for weekends that would also be wonderful - what I lack most is time to myself. I wish I had a friend as good as you.

Sorry Carriel not relevant to your pregnancy question particularly!

My niece is now 5 and has had her Dad since she was 18 months old. She has lived with him since she was 3.5. Her father walked out on my sister when she was 4 mths pg. In the last few weeks, her father has been in touch with my sister and, although he doesn't want to see her as he feels he threw that right away 5.5 years ago when he ran away. He does want progress reports. BIL is having a very tough time dealing with this and DN is very confused. How come she has 2 dads?. It's not easy on your own, pg or mum. Good luck to all single parents. You only have to look at their faces to know that you are not the ones missing out.
(Father-gets the mum pg. Dad-cares for the child, as is there for the family, and is the one the child knows, loves and respects. Just to clarify)

Thanks all - am trying to phone regularly as it's one thing i can do but it seems so little really.