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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

If you had a really traumatic experience

22 replies

3littlefrogs · 05/03/2011 11:21

Awful forceps delivery, long labour, birth injury and haemorrhage, what gift would you like to receive to cheer you up a little?

(Plenty of food in house, family support etc,). A card and flowers doesn't seem enough

Any suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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PlasticLentilWeaver · 05/03/2011 11:25

A pair of ears willing to listen to me offload about it, regularly, and for a long time afterwards as my feelings change/d.

That was what I wanted after DS1 anyway. Actually gifts would have made no difference to me. I may be unusual.

Original poster

3littlefrogs · 05/03/2011 11:27

Thanks. That is exactly what I mean - I can't decide whether a gift at this stage is even appropriate. Of course I will send a card, but I just feel so sorry that things went so badly wrong.

Baby is ok BTW.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 11:28

Don't belittle what happened to her. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES say "well at least you and the baby are safe." If you are close to her let her know you are willing to talk to her about what happened when she feels up to it. That's the best present you can give her.

Other than that, plenty of chocolate, and perhaps wait till all the family hoo-ha has died down and offer help and support when she has less going on and might be starting to feel lonely.

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 11:28

Honestly? A card and flowers would have been enough nd it sounds like your friend had similar issues to me.

And a chance to talk about it if she wants, without judgement - when I spoke to DH about how all the above made me feel like I failed, he was of the 'don't be silly, it doesn't' matter school of thought - and to some people, it does.

Original poster

3littlefrogs · 05/03/2011 11:30

I will send a card and flowers, I will phone her mum and ask if they need anything else.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 05/03/2011 11:31

Oh and you can never go wrong with a gift for the baby. Is it a boy or a girl? The gifts I found most useful for DS were little outfits that include a long sleeve body suit and a soft pair of dungarees. One set in particular has been worn and washed about 10 times, and DS is only 9 weeks! Don't buy shoes (DS has four pairs of useless bloody shoes) or comedy outfits (such as a ridiculous spiderman body suit) as these just take up space and don't get used.

ShowOfHands · 05/03/2011 11:31

I wanted somebody to talk to. Even 4 years later I still need to talk about it. I do too, to a couple of very lovely friends who are probably fed up with me.

I don't think any gift would have made a difference to the trauma (so buy something she'd like regardless) but a friend asking what I would like and listening would have helped. People assumed I'd want them to turn up and whisk the baby off for a couple of hours. It was the last thing I wanted. I wanted somebody to make me a cup of tea, bring me a biscuit and sit with me.

Oh hang on, somebody bought me some body wash stuff from Crabtree and Evelyn. It was just lovely. Not something I would buy as it was a bit ££ but it was really nice.

ShowOfHands · 05/03/2011 11:32

Oh yes some help a couple of weeks in when the visitors have gone away, dh has gone back to work and the hormones have crashed.

TysonNobdie86 · 05/03/2011 11:32

I had different issues but still a traumatic birth etc, my sister got me some shoes that i had been desperate for and my mum got me a panda bear. That bear is now my ds's favourite bear and panda still stays on my bed. I dont know why but it gave me some comfort. I appreciated the thought that had gone into the gifts IYKWIM

ShowOfHands · 05/03/2011 11:34

My Dad wrote me a letter too. Won't say here what he put but it's one of my most prized belongings. Generally, it said he was proud of me. That was important. Made me feel I hadn't failed.

yummytummy · 05/03/2011 14:06

yes definitely the chance to talk it through and not being made to feel a failure or that at least you and baby are ok. nothing which dismisses or minimises the trauma. definitely a listening non judgemental ear rather than gifts. what would have helped me is someone saying "you did really well to come through that i am proud of u" no-one has ever said that to me.

timetomoveon · 05/03/2011 15:58

Just to second (or third) the listening ear is the most important gift you can give. And as WriterofDreams said, please don't say 'at least you are both ok' because it totally belittles what happened.
You already sound like a lovely friend. I still (almost 3 years later) have days when I need to talk about it and I wish I had a friend who would be there to listen.

notasausage · 05/03/2011 17:22

Company once DH is back at work. Make her a coffee, bring some nice biscuits, let her talk if she wants to. Nice handcream/bodywash/bubblebath that she wouldn't normally treat herself too. Just bought myself some L'Octaine Shee Butter hand cream which is lovely but at £17 is pricey (it was my birthday ) but your hands spend a lot of time in water when you have a baby.

gloyw · 05/03/2011 18:25

Lots of thoughtful ideas here. If it's possible, you could offer to be a 'co-pilot' for your friend when she feels she is able to venture out with her baby. Especially if it is her first.

She may well be feeling like the ability to leave the house and do something normal, whether it's a trip to the co-op or meeting for coffee or a slow buggy push round a park is a long way off - especially if she has a birth injury. Pain and incontinence issues might well be problems for her, and knowing that someone is happy to help her get out and about in the most basic way when the time is right could be really helpful. Especially if she has a partner going back to work.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 05/03/2011 20:03

How about some music she'll find relaxing or comforting or meaningful?

You sound like a wonderfully thoughtful friend!

theborrower · 05/03/2011 20:16

3littlefrogs - I agree with everyone else, all great ideas, and it's lovely that you're so thoughtful: don't say "at least you're both ok", visit once her other half is back to work (god, I was terrified when DH started back, couldn't believe I'd be on my own), make her a nice cuppa and take some cake or something, listen listen listen and offer a shoulder to cry on if she wants to chat and take a nice pamper gift for her. Everyone gets something for the baby but noone ever gets anything for mum, so it's a nice surprise when someone thinks of you.

OkieCokie · 05/03/2011 20:39

Someone to take an interest and listen to what actually happened. When I tried to speak about my hideous first birth a lot of friends realy didn't want to know as they were expecting themselves. So, I felt I could not talk about it. I also felt with several there was a bit of competition of who had "the worst birth" FFS. I didn't want presents, I just wanted a bit of empathy.

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 20:51

However, if you really want to get something then a boring old travel mug might be useful because then her cup of tea will stay hot if she's BFing and she's stuck on the sofa for hours, or if she's too tired or sore to want to trek to the kitchen.

It might seem like a bit of a crap gift, but I'd have been really pleased if someone had got me one (and several packets of very nice biscuits)

Or a journal so that if she doesn't want to talk about her experience, but feels that she needs to get it out (as it were) then she has somewhere to do so.

Original poster

3littlefrogs · 06/03/2011 11:11

Thanks all. Actually, the travel mug sounds a great idea. I do remember endlessly reheating the same cup of tea in the microwave.............

OP posts:

eviscerateyourmemory · 06/03/2011 11:20

I would agree with no 'at least you are both ok' or even worse 'you forget all the pain as soon as the baby is in your arms'.

I would give a gift for her, and maybe get something for the baby a bit later.

crazycatlady · 06/03/2011 15:20

My first birth was like this. One of the nicest things was two friends of mine clubbed together and booked me a massage with a local therapist who would come to my house. The voucher was valid for a year so there was no pressure to be anywhere at a particular time or arrange childcare, I just did it in my own time. It was so thoughtful of them and really was just what I needed a few weeks after the birth to help me feel a bit refreshed and nurtured.

UselessEmployee · 06/03/2011 15:24

After DC1 was born, I remember the flowers as the nicest things I receive. And I'm not usually a flowery person, either. So whatever else you give or do, I'd still go with some flowers as well.

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