Bad birth (twice!!)..its long, sorry

[jofeb04]

I gave birth to my dd (second child) 2 1/2 weeks ago, and even though she ended up being safe and well, i cant get the birth out of my head. I was the same when my first was born as well!
Here goes.....my ds (now 19months old) was distressed while inside, and the midwife noticed that his heartbeat wasnt reacting to the contractions as it should have been, so she had to break my waters (consultant advised her to do this). I was given oxytocin to quicken the labour up etc, and my ds was born by forceps.
With my dd, my hind waters broke in the morning, but i didnt notice it, and then more of my waters went at 10pm the same day. We were advised to go to hospital to get it all checked out, which we did, where we found out we were 4cm dilated. The midwife noticed that on the pad (sorry if TMI) there was the coloured waters, indicating that she was distressed. The doctor then advised (again) that my waters had to be broken urgently, and when they were, they midwife was shocked by how coloured they were. The midwife stayed with me and my dh for an hour, when i asked for an epidural (which i didnt have in the end). 10minutes later, our dd's heartbeat dipped, but then went back to normal, and then it dipped again and stayed low. The midwfife got other midwifes to check and stay with me while she rang the consultant. We were then advised we needed an emergency section, and before we knew it, we were in the theatre, and they were trying to give me a spinal. However, they couldnt get it in correctly, and due to the urgency, they were planning a general. At this point, i needed to push and only 9minutes later, dd was born. I was suffering with shock after this due to the speed she was born, and we were then informaed that the cord was twisted around our dd, not sure if she trapped it somehow, or around her neck.
I can not stop thinking about all the "what ifs" with both my children, sometimes feel like it was something that i did wrong.
TBH, im sitting here in tears now, but this is the fdirst time ive ever really wrote it down, apart from talking about it to my dh.
Sorry for moaning.

Oh jo, poor you!!
It's so recent as well,you must be feeling quite traumatised.
I know that there are lots of people on here who have had similar experiences and will be able to offer more useful words than mine.

I'll bump for you if need be.

Would it help if I told you that it really doesn't matter how our babies are born as long as they get here safe and sound and no,of course you didn't do anything wrong.

Congratulations by the way!

Aw, you poor old chicken,,

I was 16 hours in labour and DS finally came out through the sun roof in an emergency CS because he was in distress.

I then went into heart failure three days later and almost died, if it wasn't for the fact that I am so bolshie the outcome could have been a lot different.

It took me a long time to forget about the bad parts and for a long time they were the first things I remembered. Now the first things that come to minds are good parts, it will get better I promise.

Lots of love

LGJ

Did you have heart problems before the birth LGJ?

No,

But I do come from a family of people with heart conditions and related deaths. But I never ever had a problem, then I got one big style, that is why DS has to be an only child.

I know for a fact that I had no heart trouble prior to Cbirth, because I had all my lymph nodes in my neck removed 10 years ago, as they were not malignant, but to quote the consultant they are sure as hell not benign. So I had a four hour op and a month of intensive radiotherapy. Anyway I digress, during that time I had loads and loads of full body scans and if my heart had been enlarged then, they would have found it.

Pity you are not coming to the London dinner the scar on my neck is very impressive.

Is it a slanted one about 3 '' long?
I know a girl with one of those-always wanted to ask what it was.
The whole thing sounds very scary.

Sorry for asides jofe. It's bumping your thread though.

Oh poor you. How absolutely dreadful and frightening. No wonder you are shocked and traumatised. Have you tried contacting The Birth Crisis Network? It is run for women who have had awful births and are suffering the mental after effects.
I still cry sometimes (nearly always) when I think about how I was treated when I was having dd by the vile hell-bitch midwives at Kings -and she is as fine as a fine thing.
Of course it wasn't anything you did, but you are traumatised so you can't see that yet.
Was your dd ok when she was actually born?

This is impressive

Run your finger in a straight line along the middle of your neck, from just behind your left ear, stop when are in line with your collar bone and then drop your finger right down in a straight line until you go over your collar bone then stop.

I hope you are impressed you are the first person on MN I have ever told about my scar.

LGJ, I too have an impressive scar - 8 incehs long when last measured but as it is over my stomach and that whole area has gone a bit flabby, who knows how long it is now?!

Jo, of course this is going to be raw for you at the moment but the pain of your bad experience will fade with time. I had a hell of a time with ds1 but that was 9 years ago now and it really doesn't bother me at all anymore.

Yes, in years gone by you and your babies may not have survived childbirth, but that is why we can be so glad we live now and not then. You sound like you got some good medical care which saved the situation and that is a reason to be happy!

Try not to think you did anything wrong. On the contrary, rejoice that you were clever enough to make sure beautiful babies in the first place. Isn't that amazing?

sure in the last line should say such.

jofebo4, youv'e done the right thing coming on here and telling your story, I think it really helps to offload.Time will heal over these bad memories, and everything is all a bit to recent for you to come to terms with it yet.I had a bad experience with my first born and we thought at one point he wasn't going to make it, but he did.I had nightmares and flashbacks for about a year afterwards, and my dh did't really undestand how i felt.I can still remember everything about it 9 years on, but ive come to terms with it all now and moved on, this will happen to you as well, in time.good luck.x

Know what you mean - had 2 bad labour experiences both ending in very urgent c-sections. The last only 5 weeks ago. I still have nightmares!I went to see a counsellor - think I'll book to go again! talking helps.