Second timer absolutely terrified

[GoodVibrations]

Sorry for the long post but really need some help or advice.

DD was premature and born in 4 hours. She was back to back and I was already suffering from severe backpain. Contractions were intense from the start with very little or no breaks in between. Was strapped to a monitor and laboured on my back. G&A made me feel sick and there was no time for any other pain relief. It was excrutiating, I felt completely out of control and was in shock afterwards. Combined with prem baby in NICU I have never come to terms with the whole birth experience (am seeing a counsellor).

I am now pg again (23 weeks). I have been trying so hard to be positive, but have now had a complete breakdown and am absolutely terrified of the birth. My labour seems so easy compared to other peoples (fast, no interventions, I felt physically fine afterwards). But I screamed so loud throughout (which actually helped with the pain) and felt like I was being torn in half. So I feel like a complete wimp, am embarrassed about the screaming and embarassed at not being able to cope.

Have tried reading books, but they mainly focus on long labours with complications. Yoga is good but is not helping to deal with my fears.

My back pain is worse already this pregnancy and if I think about birth I want to panic and cry.

Does anyone has any similar experiences, or advice?. I really need to deal with this but don't know how :(

oh poppet. My first labour was a bit like that though ended up with me having a water birth which was lovely and took all the pain away. i think DD must have been back to back for a while as the back pain was exactly as you describe. It was horrendous.

For my second PG I was absolutely terrified but do you know what - I ended up with one of those labours you hear about but don't believe. No pain at all, quick and baby was 4.4kg (9lbs 4oz) with a head on the maximum end of the scale. With no pain relief and no tears or anything.

I am pretty sure it's because of a few reasons....

well i don't know if this will help much but I would strongly recommend that you refuse to labour on your back unless it's a medical emergency that needs you to and even then I would go on your side instead if they'll let you - it's really not the best way to labour and I'm not surprised you were in agony. Learn from your first labour - what were you craving to do / finding difficult? For me for example I found taking my own weight caused me lots of trouble and I was just dying to be suspended in the air somehow. So - for labour#2 I sat on a birth ball with my forearms propped forwards on a table - it made me as weight free as I could manage. It might be something different for you.

Also - your head will be able to make more sense of the sensations this time, so that will help.

I also read a book called 'childbirth without fear' which is an old boook and to cut a long story short, it goes in to detail about what happens inside your body at every stage of labour + goes on about labour and birth being natural and that fear makes it painful/more painful. We watch so much TV and see people in labour in films and so we've been conditioned to it being horrendous but it really needn't be. I also read up on hypnobirthing.

I strongly recommend water as pain relief - it was great for me. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I loved it.

arm yourself with good information about normal labours and what is happening at each stage and I think that will sort you out.

Thanks Remember. I definately wanted to get off my back but felt really submissive and just did what I was told and didn't say much at all (which is completely opposite to the 'normal' me). I was really calm about labour last time, but I think the speed of it all and the prem birth knocked me for six.

I really want to be in water this time (had planned a home water birth last time) but there's no guarantee that the hospital pool will be free. I did think about having a homebirth this time if I reach full term, but live in a terrace so would be paranoid about screaming

I'll definately read more about 'normal' labours as all the stages seemed blurred last time. In fact most of it is blurry, apart from the pain

It is a while ago for me now, but one thing I did in my second labour, rather than my first, is walk right through my contractions, in the hospital.

I had a much, much speedier second labour, much more pleasant and controlled, and actually didn't need pain relief, which was a major change.

Whether the two labours were always destined to be unique, I don't know, but walking about, rather than staying in bed, was the secret for me.

Good luck, hope you have the labour of your dreams.

I had a back to back on my first, my second birth was half as long and although I still had back pains (I have a bad tilted womb so will always have back pains) they came and went and were much easier to handle.

Could you consider your local birth centre rather than labour ward? Or is that what you did last time?

I think it's important to prep your birth partner and have in large writing on your birth plan as a bullet point that you will choose your position and that they mustn't insist on anything unless it's a medical emergency and to discuss everything with you.

You are in control and it's important to remember that. I refused to be examined on my back because it was just so excrutiating the first time, so the second time i said that I would sit on the ball and lean back in to DH's arms and she could do it that way or not at all. She did it that way. I'm not saying that's the right position for you but you can put your foot down and it's up to them to justify why you should be in a position of their choice. Often it's because it's easier for them rather than better for you.

Labouring on your back is a recipe for disaster - the lie of baby on your cervix isn't nearly as good as if you are upright, which affects progress plus if baby is back to back that just increases the pressure on your spine and sacrum (nightmare), you don't have gravity helping so you have to do all the pushing yourself plus you are pushing up hill - all that together is just awful so I'm not surprised you had a bad time and you should be very proud for getting there!!

Why not plan for a homebirth - you can alway change your mind right up to the last minute (ie when you're in labour) and get a pool in to guarantee your water birth. you might be surprised and find you don't need to scream at all if you are able to labour as you actually need to! And if you do, so what - sod the neighbours :)

I found my homebirth amazing and oddly having the TV on while I laboured made it all the more ordinary and normal and I found letting me eyes stare at the screen during contractions really helpful!