Dreading that 2nd labour will be as bad as the 1st one..

[downstairslaura]

Hello,

I'm new to Mumsnet so sorry if this is a rambling post.

I have a 2 year old daughter and my partner and I are currently trying for another. Ever since we started discussing it I have been getting really worried about the labour. 1st time round lasted 50 hrs, all the different drugs, having my waters broken, 4 hrs of pushing at which point the midwife allowed the epidural to wear off while waiting for theatre to be prepared so they could use the forceps to assist delivery (there were numerous other problems, but would take to long to go through all of it).

By this time, I was completely off my head and have no memory of being told she was a girl, seeing or holding her for the first time, or seeing my husband hold her for the first time.
The forceps led to other problems including tearing, stitches and even cut my daughters head, leading to her being hospitalised 11 days later.

I generally try to avoid dwelling on things and feeling sorry for my self, so put it all down to experience and got on with being a mum, but the idea of having another one has brought it all back and I get really upset whenever I try to talk to anyone about it.
What I really want next time is the natural birth that we all dream of, but an elective cesarean would be preferable to my last horrible experience.

Any help, advice or encouragement would be very gratefully received.

Thanks for listening.

Hi,

Sorry you had such an awful time, did you have a birth debrief? I had forceps etc and it really helped me, although it doesn't make it all better, it does give you some understanding.
Also, have you though of a homebirth? I would love one next time and feel it would make everything better (won't be allowed on though [sniff]! You may find that being in your own surroundings away from all the medical stuff a lot more relaxing, plus they all say the 2nd birth is better?!

You could maybe request an ELCS, but hopefully someone will be along with some good advice for you soon, as I am certainly no expert.

It won't be. It just won't. If you read through all the posts on this you'll find 15 million women who say things like, dc1 2.5 days, dc2 2.5 hours. (that's my story by the way). Dc2 was so easy I didn't realise I was in labour and she was born 15 mins after we got to hospital.

sunnydays
For a mentally competent adult terms like ' not allowed' are totally irrelevant; no one can stop you having a home birth if you wish to. 'Strongly advised not to' would be a better term.

downstairslaura
Were you induced? It could be that your body just wasn't really ready hence the long time.

It won't be the same. Every labour is different.

My first as very painful, back to back, bad tearing.

Second, no tears very quick bit of gas and air and I was fine! they are not comparable.

Being scared of it being like your first birth is completely natural though.

I had issues during my pregnancy with being terrified about stitching. i didn't feel like any of the midwives gave me the time or opportunity to voice how concerned i was. I had to make a point about it, and raise it as an issue. I did a bit of crying and saw a consultant who wrote all over my notes that they were to get me stitched by a doctor rather than a midwife, and how scared i was etc.

MAKE THEM LISTEN TO YOU. I found that because it was my second, they just tended to dip a stick in my wee, do my blood pressure and shove me out the door. I also saw 4 different midwives which didn't help.

I felt a lot better knowing that it was there (in the event I had 2 min pushing, and no-one even had time to examine me, let alone advise me how not to tear, but i managed not to by luck I think

sorry my paragraphs seem to rearranged themselves

Also I held off the induction until day 14. They were very difficult about this and I had to listen to a lot of dire warnings, but it was worth it as I went into labour naturally at day 11. I am a bit about induction.

Sorry Margles, let me rephrase it..I think I would be told I was putting my own health and that of DC at risk by having a home birth and so as much as I would love to do it, I would never forgive myself if anything happened...but once I decide to have DC2 I am going to post on here again and get all the advice I can to see what I can do to ensure a better birth experience... :)

You don't need to apologise sunnydays :). If you were happy with their explanations it's not a problem.

The blunt statements 'you've got to do this', 'you can't do that' which have more to do with policy than your health are the ones that annoy me.

Hello downstairs. My first labour was like yours, not quite as long but similar story. By the time she arrived (failed ventouse, large episiotomy, forceps etc etc) I think I had forgotten what I was doing there! Second labour was not comparable. The first was an induction, the second I went into labour naturally, two weeks early and everything happened very quickly. Had a c-section as he was breech but even before that it was just different. I can't deny it hurt but it was nothing like the first one. I am sure your second labour won't be anything like, or anything like as bad, as your first.

I've found my two labours to be as different as chalk and cheese.

1st while quick (6 hours) was excrutiatingly painful. I remember wishing to die at one point in order to make the pain stop and the only reason I didn't ask someone to kill me was so I could see DS when he was born! He was finally delivered after 3 hours of pushing by ventouse.

My 2nd was so much better in so many ways. I had a homebirth which lasted 3 and a half hours from first contraction to DD being born, no pain relief and simply the best experience ever. I found it put a lot of demons to rest from my first.

I think having known I had been through it once lessened the fear and anxiety which can make labour more painful. I also read New Active Birth by Janet Balaskas which made a lot of sense to me and I think really helped when the actual day came.

Speak to your midwives about your fears, make sure they listen and take them on board. I was told initially that my antenatal appointments were not the place to discuss my concerns over my first birth as they were only 10 minutes long I finally rang the community team in floods of tears when I was 32 weeks and they sent a wonderful midwife to my home who stayed for over an hour and went through all my options with me.

Good luck with TTC

Hello there,

Just a quick message to say I hope things do go better for you this time. It pees me off that such a huge issue such as a traumatic birth experience can be pushed under the carpet and glib "well you've got a healthy baby" comments ring so hollow in the ears of a mum preparing to do it all over again.

I'm guessing you were also induced? If so, many mums would testify to this being the start of a bad labour experience and a cascade of possibly unneeded drugs and intervention (by this I mean, without the induction/monitoring, things may have been easier for you and your body).

What can I suggest? Well, for what it's worth, I'd reccommend going through your notes. Once with a midwife maybe and maybe a few times at home with a glass of wine and box of tissues. Try and pinpoint what happened when without blaming yourself or your body.

If needbe, book a session with an Independent Midwife or Doula, to get a blow by blow and unbiased view on the notes? They are not employed by the NHS and will have a different sense of perspective. Mine managed to turn my nightmare of a birth story on it's head and has focused on some amazing positives which I hadn't even realised were there!

If, after this, you still feel you would rather have an C/S than any other intervention, that's actually a reasonably common request as I understand it, and your wishes should not be undermined.

Hmmmm... Sorry... Not quite a "quick" message after all!

All the very best of luck, whatever you decide.

Hello again,

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I really like the suggestion to go through my medical notes. I'll discuss it with the midwife when (fingers crossed) the time comes.