Male partners in labour

[knittakid]

My DH is going to be my only labour partner, my family live far away and his can't pop in at short notice. We are planning a homebirth and he'd be there looking after the midwives, the cats and me, and he's feeling a bit daunted by such a big job. We don't want a doula.

I know he'll cope well because of the type of person he is, but he's panicking, which he tends to do before a big event, and then just gets on with it when the time comes.
Can somebody advice on how to reassure him? I am not terribly needy, just want him to remind me to stay calm and to breathe, massage at times, and that kind of thing.

I'd like to be able to reassure him, but don't know how!

We thought of having a friend there but then keep on changing our minds.

Are you doing Nct classes? Dh found them really helpful both for the info and meeting other dads.

Can you get a friend in to do the background stuff like tea and cats and leave him with just you to focus on? To be fair though, there's not a lot to do, make up a tray of tea things in advance and tell the mw to help herself whenever she likes. Dh also did stuff when the mw was with me assessing me and he wasn't needed.

Forgot to say dh was my only birth partner, I had a friend on standby, but I didn't want her when the time came. I would have liked a doula there, as an impartial professional when the mw left to do her rounds.
Dh coped just fine, but he might have liked a sub for naps and mealtimes as it was a long labour.

I actually think it's a bonus that he'll have more to do instead of less. I think men can sometimes end up feeling like a spare part in hospital b/c they don't know what they should be doing. But at home they can be making tea for midwives, fetching things, etc.

I don't think you'll need a friend, you'll cope fine with two midwives and DH.

Hi knitta!
In an attempt to organise things for my hb I've written a list of things for OH that he'll be in charge of and where everything is (old towels, extra tea, coffee supplies etc) so he knows (as far as possible) what's sort of expected of him. I've also talked to him about massage (and not to get offended if I don't want to be touched). My mum will be here too but she's more for emotional support as she's obviously done it before! He gets very squeamish and quiet when nervous hence the more practical responsibilities.

It might all go out the window when the time comes but it seems to have calmed him down a bit to have it in writing.

The midwives and cats will look after themselves, and your DH can be devoted to looking after you! Put all the stuff you expect to need in a bag or something so he doesn't have to dig stuff out!

How about having a friend pop over a couple of times to help with a few practical things (setting up the pool for one)?

My DH was unexpectedly alone with me during our homebirth. It was lovely but I wish we'd had someone else there for practical stuff as I didn't get to go in the pool as her was too busy looking after me to fill it.

As a doula I as long as everything is going well and birth partner is happy and being supportive I often end up doing lots of the practical stuff at a homebirth to free up the birth partner to concentrate on woman in labour. I know you don't want a doula but maybe th friend you keep changing your mind about could help out like this?

Failing that do a dry run with all the stuff that needs setting up, write him a list of everything to do set up wise in early labour and do put everything together in one place including your notes and all phone numbers.

Have a lovely birth.

Need to agree with squiggleywiggler, it might all go differently to how you plan it. I also very nearly had a homebirth with just hubby and then 2 year old son present, The ambulance arrived 4 minutes before baby came so didn't have to deliver all on my own. Anyway DH was too busy doing the practical stuff and comforting a worried DS to be able to give me any support whatsoever.

I had a home water birth with my OH as birth partner and despite his previous misgivings he was wonderful. He bustled about doing all the practical stuff (pool in a box only took about 20 minute to inflate and fill) but also found time to give me a back massage between contractions, to put my dressing gown around my shoulders when I shivered and take it off and replace it with cold damp towel when I was sweating. He held a cup and offered me sips of water with a straw between contractions once I was in the pool and... also removed small poo with sieve!!! All went to plan and baby was delivered safely after short 2.5 hour labour. Partner was v emotional afterward - relief mostly I think, but was wonderful during. To be honest I was concentrating so much towards the end that I was hardly aware of his presence but just knowing he was there was what was important to me. I suggest you write and agree your birth plan with him, but also reassure him that it's really his presence that you need - many of the practical things can be taken care of by the midwife anyway - as long as you have your plastic sheet, towels, baby clothes, nappy, big pants and maternity towels etc to hand and a "hospital bag" packed just in case it's needed.

Another one recommending NCT or other antenatal classes here. We had our first last night, DH the previous evening whinging and trying to get out of it. He enjoyed it more that I did!

The boys are meeting down the pub on Saturday and loving the techie elements of having a bayby - prams, car seats etc.

That and maybe a tour at your local maternity unit/birthing pool should help him get to grips with everything and help him be more confident about what to expect.

There is a local homebirth group where I live - is there one near you? Your midwife should know or the NCT might be able to tell you.

My DH found it incredibly useful, perhaps you could find out if he could link up with some of the fathers...

If you google The Father's Home Birth Handbook perhaps this book would help him? The book is written by a doula.

Thank you all for your advice, it's been really helpful! I will write a list of things that need doing, reassure him it's just his being there that matters and look at that book. I am doing the NCT classes and he was the same as your DH happycamel very reluctant to go and now he's enjoying them, although it was after a class that he panicked (after seeing lots of pics of kissing couples during birth, and changing a nappy filled with mustard...) it all got too much. most other fathers are SO involved that he's feeling inadecuate, there are plans to go for drinks, and they turned out to be coffee and cakes... he was about to faint.