Has anyone 'gone it alone'?

[rubybambini]

We?re (DP and I) dithering about DP being at the birth of DC1. I?m bothered that I?ll be ?being brave for two?, and worrying about him when I should be worrying about me.

Here?s why:

OH is a) extraordinarily squeamish and b) very afraid of hospitals and all that?s in them after many months spent being operated on / staying in them as a 10 / 11 year old. (Not yet been successful in him watching OBEM either!)

When I?m ill / in pain, I prefer to deal with it myself, and don?t enjoy AT ALL being fussed over. For example, I went to all my hospital appointments, inc a biopsy (for a kidney problem) alone, as I don?t like ?putting on people?, not even DP, and I?m very confident to do these things on my own.

He?s not been with me to GTT tests , midwife appointments etc, but has been to all the scans and will come along to NCT classes.

So my questions are: has anyone out of choice ?gone it alone? (well, with birth professionals too)?

Any squeamish OH?s? How they?ve reacted when faced with the actuality, on the day?

Any general tips?

Or, do we just see how we go on the day?

Thank you, look forward to reading your experiences.

My husband was with me the whole time with dd1 and was great, didn't too anything particularly useful, I'm not a back rubber etc type. He didn't come with me for antenatal appt, came for scans and classes.

With dd2 I was induced and he was held up at work. In the end after nothing happening for most of the day dd2 was born after a 2.5 hour labour, husband made it for last 15 mins - I thought this worked out much better than having him there the whole time, I could just "get on and do it", didn't have to think about how anyone else was feeling, were they ok, did they feel part of it etc. I felt the pain much more manageable because I just went with it. Was glad he was there for last bit for him but it wouldn't have bothered me had he been a bit later Due again in 4 weeks and am going to do the same again, if I spontaneously (?) go into labour will have him pop in and out until about to go and if I'm induced will have him pop in at end.

I have five children, my dh has never attended a birth. He is a bit squeamish and I prefer to be alone so it has worked well here. I have found the midwives to be very supportive as well because I ave been alone.

I sent my DH out of the room for the last couple of hours as I found him hugely distracting: I was worrying about him worrying about me being in pain and he didn't really know what to do with himself. He sat outside and listened to his i-pod and the midwives kept him updated. When DS was born he came in and cut the cord and then held the baby skin-to-skin until I had delivered the placenta (I had already had a cuddle with DS before the cord was cut). I think this suited both of us although some people might think me selfish for banishing him from the room!

I think you should see how you feel on the day - no one can predict how they'll feel during childbirth unless they've already done it. If you have a great team of midwives etc. then you might not need his support.

Dp was with me for dd1 but not dd2. I much prefered to do it alone because, like you, I like to just get on with things and cope better on my own.

For dd2 dp was in the waiting room and the mw knew that I wanted him called if anything went wrong. I texted him once I had been checked for stitches and he came straight up to meet his daughter.

It was great and I would do it alone again!

I'd hire a doula and have dp there in the knowledge that he could leave whenever necessary and you'll still have someone to fight your corner in terms of how you want to birth

I'm having no.3 on Thursday (C-section) and my DH is going to come to the ward for after I've delivered once I'm stitched and baby is clean.

He's a wonderful hands on dad with my other two (from my first marriage, but he's been around since they were little).

We did sit through OBEM last night or so I thought until I read your post. Then I realised he made a tea, then decided hot juice would be better, then popped to the kitchen for chocolate, then let the dog out one more time, popped to check the boys light was off. He did appear in the room to see the water in the birthing pool change colour - as did he.

I want his first moments with our baby to be special and not nursing bumps and bruises from passing out or still feeling traumatised by the birth. I want my first moments with the baby to be about me and the baby not stressing about how my husband is.

This is really interesting as it hadn't crossed my mind that my DH wouldn't be there. However I can see the advantages! My DH would definitely want to be there asap once the baby is actually born, but I do think it may be easier to do the other bits without him.

ANT you made me laugh, my DH was exactly the same last night, pretending to watch with me but finding any reason to talk about something else.

I also think I might be more inhibited with him around - I have said all along that I would like a natural birth and am aiming to avoid epidural. As it's my first though I am aware it is all subject to change! I have seen enough DP's on OBEM say "but I thought you wanted a natural birth" when the women are screaming for epidurals to think our relationship may be damaged if he makes a comment like that!

I found at my first birth that DHs presence was completely unneccessary and a bit annoying at times tbh.

I have a friend who had homebirths just because hubby is terrified of hospitals, have you considereed the option?

I will go to hospital alone without DH this time around if I have to transfer to hospital coz I can't see why he would need to be there.

My DH was in with me but I completely ignored him! It was nice to have him there but I think he felt a bit useless and to be honest I could have managed fine without him I think. The only point at which he was a good help was when I was pushing - he was very encouraging in a positive rather than annoying way. My labour was quite fast and furious, so he might have been more help if it'd been slower and I needed food or company. Because my contractions were so close together and painful I was concentrating on them far too much to bother about him at all!

Thanks so much for all your stories - it's so interesting, keep them coming! Glad I'm not the only one. Friends have done some considerable eye-rolling and brow furrowing when I've mooted this idea to them.

I'm wondering if any OH's have regretted not being there?

@hastingsmum - unfortunately probably not a homebirth, as I'm high risk (age + kidney prob), and I'm happy with the idea of hospital in these circumstances.

@ant - hilarious. OH is out tonight, but we're both in tomorrow, so planning to nobble him in front of OBEM on 4OD. Will swipe his phone, laptop etc first.

A doula isn't a bad idea, too.

I don't want to put him, or me through it, if it's not right for us, just because most other people do these days. (Uh oh, sounding very 1960s there.)

I found these articles, one from the Telegraph, one from the Guardian for balance - both reasonably recent - if anyone's interested. I'm sure, of course, there's a stack of others saying men should be there =)

Guardian - men should 'stay away from childbirth'

and

Telegraph - Men are better off building the cot than going to antenatal classes

and also

BBC News - Nine in 10 new dads 'present at birth'

Finally

Full search results for men+present+at+birth

hi, i've just had a wonderful childbirth experience without my husband present! like your husband he is squeamish and finds the whole process very distressing. he hates hospitals and is generally not a helpful presence to anyone. for the birth of my first child, we hired a doula, and had my DH as my second birthing partner. it was a very long labour and he was around for some of it but not the toughest bits, and i was very happy with that. However, for the birth of my second child two weeks ago, for various reasons, we decided he wouldn't be there at all, and it was an amazing experience. we used the same doula, who was absolutely fabulous, and my sister came along as my second birthing partner. the whole process was very 'female' and bonding, and i felt a lot more relaxed without him there. i was not worrying about him; or about how i looked or behaved (undignified/in agony, whatever) in front of him. the doula was worth her weight in gold and i couldn't recommend hiring one enough.
after my daughter was born we phoned my DH immediately and he jumped in the car and came straight to the hospital with our little boy, to meet the new baby. they stayed outside the labour room until i was stitched up. i will never forget the moment they both burst into the room, so excited to meet the little one. it was magical. If your DH isn't really "into" being there, i strongly, strongly recommend you spare him the experience, and hire a doula, or ask a female friend, to come along to support you instead.

Ps - if they're being totally honest, privately, i reckon, the majority of men aren't that into being there for the birth.
of course some are, and all credit to them for that, but many feel deeply uncomfortable about it and are only doing it because it's expected of them.

Probably right there I think. I know my hubby was so bored the whole 3 hours of my first labour. It wasn't until DS1 actually came out that he was suddenly interested, lol. And I mean he was fascinated by him "plopping out" as he calls it...