Utter terror!!

[loudee]

Hi everyone

I am in desperate need of advice! I am nearly 30 and really would love to have a baby BUT am so utterly terrified of giving birth (and even pregnancy) that I keep putting it off. My partner is very supportive.

I am frightened of pregnancy in that it seems almost horrible that something grows inside you and the thought of feeling it move makes me feel a bit sick. My friend was heavily pregnant and we saw her baby move through her tummy...oh my...my heart started to race, I felt sick and had to leave.

Giving birth seems like it would be utter hell. I am frightened of the pain and even more frightened of the fact I might hate the baby for what we'd just been through. I honestly can't think of one positive thing to do with pregnancy or birth.

I hope everyone can understand that I would dearly love a child. I'm aware that how I feel almost sounds offensive and wrong for a woman to say but I really don't want to feel like this. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can overcome this?

Thank you everyone, I debated whether or not to post after reading mumsnet for months but it seems such a supportive forum.

Is there a reason you feel this way?

I think this is called tokophobia ! it's more common than any mid wife will tell you.

You can overcome this and have a child, if I can almost anyone can

thank you so much for replying..

not that I can think of which makes it even worse! None of my friends have had terrible labours or pregnancies... I just don't understand why I dread the process so much and really wish I didn't! Is it remotely normal to feel like this?

When my friend announced her pregnancy (she'd been trying for months) I asked her about her birthplan and she said she hadn't even thought about the birth!!! I couldn't believe it... made me realise I probably don't feel the same as everyone else as I am totally obsessed by it and not even pregnant yet!

Have you had children? How did you find it?

I remember reading this a while ago, don't know if it will be helpful to you.

There are a lot of women that post about being scared of giving birth, it's quite a common phobia that doctors and MWs are used to dealing with. Maybe you could have a chat with your GP about it and he/she can recommend a counsellor or something?

I've heard a lot of people say that hypnotherapy has helped with various phobias so that might be worth looking into.

thank you nogreatexpectation, i shall look it up. did you have fears beforehand? thank you for your reassuring words. was your partner at the birth? that's yet another thing i panic about.... what if he can't cope and isn't a support... what if, what if... ha i have millions of those!

oh eaurouge i cannot tell you the relief in reading that article. to know someone else feels the same is the most positive i've felt about it all in a long long time. thanks ever so. i had thought about contacting the dr before but felt ashamed that i could have such awful feelings about something that i accept is wonderful for most people. i will definitely contact them on monday. gosh i wish i'd posted on here months ago!!!

I was your age when a gynaecologist told me I had better start trying! I have endometriosis and his advice was to try sooner rather than later, because if I needed treatment the outcome would be better at 30 than 40.

I had a Section with DS2 because after DS1 the same mid wife admitted that she should have taken my fears seriously. I was OK with the section because the fears I had were mainly centred round natural childbirth with pain and lack of dignity. Afterwards the same midwife admitted that fear of childbirth was now a recognised condition and that many more women are effected by this than previously assumed.

However the main reason I coped second time around (after DS1 I was still terrified!) is I demanded to see the obstertrician. I spoke to the doctor because I knew from past experience that Midwives are very pro natural labour. The doctor understood and consented. This overcame the need to lobby the unwilling midwife

thank you. i'm starting to understand that sticking my head in the sand really isn't helping me get through this. it's such a relief to hear from people with genuine fears, my friends keep telling me everyone feels scared but i'm quite sure they don't feel this bad.

it's wonderful to hear you now have 2 lovely children. thanks for sharing your experiences.

I have just read the link. I can totally relate to the fear and terror that even after having one child, it doesn't always subside. I would definately suggest speaking to your GP because should get pregnant he/she may be sympathetic in advocating a section if this would make it easier for you to cope with.

When I was pregnant with DS2 I told the midwife that I "will have a section, if the drs do not consent I will stay at home." When she asked if I wanted a home birth I said "yes but don't expect an invite" After I had the section and she visited at home to check the baby, she said that she had always worked with the usumption that all women overcome their fears but realised that this wasn't always the case and that CS is a positive choice in these cases. If only she had supported me and agreed with DS1 and DS2.

I guess what I am trying to say is, midwives like the business of childbirth to be a closed shop with little other intervention and doctors are often seen as the enemy of natural childbirth. Don't be bullied and if you feel that you could cope better if you had a section then demand to see the obstertrician and make sure they understand your fears.

Good luck, you can do this and it's all so worthwhile you'll never regret stepping into the unknown!

Oh... and the baby moving, its very strange but overtime you get to feel an attatchment and actually start to look forward to it.

I was EXACTLY the same as you, Loudee. I put off having a child for years and years because I was so scared (actually petrified) of giving birth. The thought of a living creature inside me was horrific. I too would either discreetly leave the room when friends talked about their baby moving and I'd feel all clammy/nauseous/sick when they spoke about giving birth.

I became pregnant at 35 (baby was planned but I conceived quicker than I thought I would!) and now my partner and I could not be happier.

I had - thankfully - a relatively good pregnancy. I came to love the kicks and movements the baby made; yes at first it's a bit strange but in a nice way. In the end I was sad to not have my bump - and I never thought I'd feel like that.

I 100% understand your fears about childbirth. I was terrified. But I managed it and believe me if I can then you can too. I can't say it was a nice experience (although some women do 'enjoy' it if enjoy is the right word?!). I ended up with an emergency c-section so I escaped the risk of traumatic tearing which I was ultimately terrified of. I got through the labour and birth with three main things: 1. Gas/air & epidural! 2. support from partner 3. and I kept telling myself 'yes this is horrible right now but take it one stage at a time'; I looked at the labour/birth as seperate stages rather than one long episode.

People will tell you it's all worth it and it's true. I was never really maternal and if I'm honest it took a few weeks for me to feel that love mothers are 'supposed' to have. But, when my 3 month little girl smiles and giggles, all is good in the world.

Good luck.

You could always consider a CS - there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to consider having a VB but have had 2 wonderful children by ELCS - it is possible (even on NHS). Both births were great experiences and would do it again (if DH would let me :) )

I have no experience of fear of pregnancy, but am sure it is more common than you might realise, as some have already advised you here.

'Hypnobirthing' helped me overcome my fear of childbirth. I went from sobbing myself to sleep in terror every night to a totally relaxed and confident 3rd trimester. And the birth was fine. Not pain free, but fine.

I have private messaged you.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and offering excellent advice. I feel reassured that other people feel the same and that others have overcome their fears to have children. I shall contact my GP as a first step :)

I did think the whole idea of pregnancy - a separate person being inside you and moving about distinctly creepy. It isn't like that though: it starts off as teeny movements which are kind of gentle and freindly and really lovely to feel; as the baby gets bigger the movements get stronger. I can't explain it well; but because you love the fetus it is great to feel it move, rather than the theoretical idea of having a creature living inside you. It's more like having a "little friend" with you than some "creepy alien /parasite".

Loudee, do come back and let us know how you get on, especially if you have good news to announce

Yes it would be good if you can let us know how you get on, if you're happy to do so. I'm in a similar situation, want to have a baby but anxious about pregnancy and absolutely can not consider giving birth except via ELCS. Haven't talked to anyone about it yet as I wasn't sure if GP was appropriate - but can hardly see midwife/obstetrician if I'm not even pregnant yet...

I had a fear of complications for me that would effect how I felt about my baby. My coping strategy was to opt for a home birth on the basis that if it's so natural I can do it at home then there's not that much to fear is there?

Dd1 born at home, no complications.

I realise others have fears that they can't come to terms with but have a read of Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth for many stories of how calm an experience it can be.

Good luck.

Can I also reassure you that before you have a baby and experience pregnancy and childbirth, you can only couch it in rational terms. You can only 'think' about it. You don't know what it 'feels' like in reality. And it would take a better and more erudite person than I to express it to you. Does that make sense? You are trying to rationalise something you have no basis for reference for. And we all 'know' things about pregnancy and birth. We know it's uncomfortable or painful, we know it's sometimes traumatic or causes injuries. It's so far outside of your normal frames of reference that it's so much bigger than rationality. I can't teach you wonder and sheer joy where having a baby is concerned because I only feel it.

The phobia you can deal with and I suspect the way in which you one day feel and experience having a baby will be very different from the limited ways in which you can 'think' about it now.

I can't thank everyone enough for replying and sharing your thoughts and experiences. Mumsnet rocks!

Hi loudee - I had an ELCS for my 1st DC this year, as I suffered from severe tokophobia. This thread might be useful to you - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/954334-Anyone-asked-for-ELCS-for-first-baby

I used to post as barkfox - I've written about my experiences on this thread (actually, it was pre-CS, I was pregnant then - my CS was a fabulous experience and I'd do it again tomorrow like a shot!).

There are other options than CS, and I'm not advocating CS as the only choice, at all. It was best for me, given my personal circumstances.

I would advise seeking help if you can, if you have a sympathetic GP for example. However, I don't echo those posters who sayy that tokophobia is a common/well known condition. There is a danger of running into a MW or consultant who dismisses your phobia as a normal anxiety about birth. And IME, people are not always sympathetic about it. It's just ignorance - like dismissing depression as being a bit 'down' etc.

I found, totally against my expectations, that I enjoyed being pregnant, and didn't find it freaky at all. I hadn't really taken into account that things happen so slowly during pregnancy - so those physical moments like a baby rolling around came gradually, and not on day 1! (and they were so small to start with, I kept thinking it was wind...). I had a very smooth and comfy pregnancy which I'm sure helped.

Best of luck with however you move forward.

Hi Loudee, just wanted to add that there are other options - if you really think that pregnancy and childbirth are not for you then could adoption be an option for you? I'm sure you've already thought of it but though may be worth mentioning. Personally, DH and I wanted "our" baby but there are hundreds of children in need of loving homes (and some v young babies) so you would be doing something pretty amazing giving one of them a home without having to go through pregnancy and childbirth. There are some adoption threads on here that may be able to offer more insight.

Good luck with getting support and help for your fears and I hope it all works out brilliantly for you.

Are you concerned about losing your figure - those kind of changes. Pregnancy doesnt have to mean this.

Pregnancy is really not all that bad, sure it has its moments and you can be unlucky but for the majority of women its tiring and uncomfortable in stages but nothing more.

Birth is a mixed bag but again for the majority its relatively straightforward and painful but hey thats nature!
You could always go down the elcs route but you may be pleasantly surprised by labour. I was very very nervous before I gave birth but despite the pain, it was the happiest and best day of my life and i am almost sad that I will never have that feeling of delivering my firstborn again.