Help me not to freak out

[WriterofDreams]

All I'm looking for really is reassurance so any kind words are welcome and positive stories are especially welcome!

I'm due to have my first baby in three weeks. I'm obviously really looking forward to meeting him but as time wears on I find I'm getting more and more anxious about the birth. In the last three months three friends have had their first babies - the first was an elcs for a breech baby, the second was a forceps delivery and the third was a very slow induction leading to a long labour and "a very difficult birth" (don't know the details yet as it was only last night). I know it sounds irrational but I was hoping that at least one of them would be a normal, relatively uncomplicated birth so I could hope for the same for myself. News of this latest birth has me in tears

On top of that I have been reading up on various procedures in the belief that the better informed I am the better prepared I'll be. While I still believe that's true, I think all this knowledge has freaked me out somewhat as I'm far to aware of all the horrible things that can happen. I'm meeting the midwife today to discuss my birth plan and I'm worried that I'll just get hysterical and she's not the understanding type. I don't dare talk to my mum about this because she had two absolutely horrendous births (and I mean off the scale horrific) plus one ok birth so she can't really pretend to me that it's all going to be ok (which TBH is what I need - think I've had an overdose of honesty!)

So lovely MNetters could you be substitute mums and soothe me a bit? Also can I ask if there's anything else I need to include in my birth plan today besides the following? I'm going to tell my MW that:
I want to go the MLU and use the pool if possible
I do NOT under any circumstances want a forceps delivery and I am going to put in writing that a C section is the only option for me in difficult circumstances
I am open to using gas and air and pethidine
I am not bothered one way or the other about a managed/natural third stage and will go with the flow
I do not want my waters broken without being expressly asked first and an explanation given as to why it might be necessary

I can totally tell I'm becoming neurotic, which I know is not good :(

That video is amazing, thanks elk :)

I agree with avoiding the epidural if I can violet, I'd much rather be mobile and active as much as possible. I'm not really worried about the pain at all (although that attitude may change lol) it's more the feeling that things are being done without my consent or without me fully understanding that scares me.

I am very reassured by my visit to the midwife today as she seemed to understand my need for control and said that if I ever felt that anyone wasn't communicating properly with me I must insist that they explain things again. She seemed to understand where I was coming from as she said "Some midwives think they are good at keeping the patient informed when they're not, so don't let them make you feel like you can't ask questions."
I felt like she was on my side, which was great.

Can you believe that my gran had nine caesarian sections?? She's 80 now and still going strong!

To me forceps would probably be preferable to having a C-section, but I respect your reasons for thinking otherwise.

"Rooming in" is when the baby stays with you from birth -- isn't carted off to a remote nursery. It's more of a hospital policy than necessarily something you need to specify, just ask what they normally do at your hospital (some mothers don't prefer rooming in).

I agree that the the best strategy for minimising interventions you don't want is to wait as late as you dare before going to hospital. Or opt for a homebirth?!

I seriously considered a homebirth ragged but decided against it because of my mum's experiences (which I know isn't really the best reason). If she hadn't been in a hospital my sister would almost certainly have died but there was nothing in her pregnancy to indicate that anything would go wrong. Despite hating hospitals and I would rather have the reassurance of being close to help if I need it, as of course the main thing for me is that baby is alive and well by the end of it all!
If all goes well this time around I might consider it for next time (if there is a next time lol).

I think rooming in is standard in the MLU but I'm not entirely sure. I would rather have the baby close by if possible so I'll let them know that. The midwife didn't ask me about it today so I'm sure they're probably flexible about it.

I'm against forceps mainly on the basis that they can damage the baby. I realise forceps are sometimes used in a c-section anyway so I might not be able to avoid them, but if they're inevitable then I'd rather not have them rip my fanjo up!

Out of interest ragged, what sort of birth(s) did you have?

Writer - my feelings exactly about forceps. I know so many women for whom the recovery from CS has been better than forceps and it is the LONG TERM damage from forceps that so many people forget about. Also psychological trauma of having forceps used on you. If/when I need to write a birth plan it would read the same as yours! Have you thought about a doula? Def something I would probably go for so that pressure could not be exerted on DP if things started to wrong as she would then act as my advocate.

A doctor friend of mine is pretty aghast that forceps are still used nowadays, as in her words they are "medieval." She isn't an OB but on did do OB rotations during her training and she said watching a forceps birth is quite horrific. She saw women pretty much ripped to shreds by them, so much so that the damage was permanent. One poster on MN was saying she might need a colostomy bag as a result of the damage done to her by forceps and I have also heard a few stories (that I won't repeat here as too upsetting) of babies being damaged by them.

I know CS carries significant risks but what my friend was saying is that the training for CS is far far better than for forceps so you are right away in better hands if you have a CS. On top of that the danger of soft tissue damage (which doesn't heal well) is far less with a CS so while it is painful and difficult a CS is much less likely to leave permanent problems than forceps.

Yes I remember an article in which a midwife described forceps as "barbaric" and I wonder how often they are used to try to keep cs rates down? CS are so commonplace now that they are routine so your chances of having one done badly (as opposed to a foceps done badly) are chances that I would go with.

Writer have you considered a doula and do you think your DP will be strong if the medics put pressure on him?

I have thought about having a doula but my DH is quite clued up and forceful so I think I can trust him to deal with the medics for me. He is well briefed on what I want and I know he'll listen carefully to what I have to say, so I have a lot of confidence in him.

Have you read Chilbirth without Fear? - rather old fashioned language but does reassure that women's bodies can birth easily.

Do give me a ring in the future if you want to.
Sounds like your DH is going to be a great birth partner, but remember, sometimes blokes need support too (I beleive my role as a Doula is to support partners too) it can be hard to see your loved one in pain and its not easy to know what is 'normal' when you've not been at a birth before.
You could consider interviewing a couple of local doulas, it wouldn't hold you to anything but they could explain how they work.
If I could give women one thing that would reduce their chance of needing intervention (from pain relief to episiotomies and CS) it would be a Doula!
S xx

i think a really good birth plan like the ones written above is a good idea. Tell your midwife it's in your notes so she remembers to look at it, she will probably snigger to herself but will also be aware that you are totally on the ball and informed, and therefore make sure that her care for you and notes are spot on to guidelines.

Not saying that this wouldn't happen anyway but super informed, intelligent primips can be scary!

you will be fine, and have a lovely baby to show for it! water is FAB in labour/birth, i have had 3 waterbirths and the pain, for me, was much less in water than out.