Homebirth dilema

[knittakid]

I am 28 weeks today, expecting our first. I have had no complications whatsoever so far and am healthy and active.

Me and my partner have been planning a home birth and feel that it'd be the right thing to do.

However, I expected lots of opposition from my family, and here lies my problem:
Just got an email from my aunt who lives in Spain and has lots of friends having babies at the mo and in the recent past. She's written all these horror stories, basically each one of her friends ended up needing immediate medical attention, whithout which they or baby would have died. She's told me not to play with the future of my baby, that i could make him terribly disabled or kill him by having him at home.

This is obviously something I have thought about, but have been reassured by research and litterature. But I do not want to endanger the baby in any way, that's why I'm not cycling anymore.

She's also brought up the issue of her and my mother's cesareans (for all of us, no natural births in my immediate family since 1950) saying that I have narrow hips, etc.
I grew up thinking that there was just something wrong with women in my family, but after reading lots and lots and listening to their stories I've come to the conclusion that they just went to hospital too soon and sufered too many interventions (not helped by a knife-happy culture in southamerica, where some countries have 80% c-section rates!!!).

To end, I am just very upset by her email, and don't know what to do, and the only thing I can do right now is cry.

What a cruel thing for her to do! I understand she thinks she's trying to protect you, but that was really out of line!

Have you read the homebirth website? I found it very reassuring when everyone was raising eyebrows about a home birth and telling me I was too fat to have one. There's a section addressing the small pelvis argument.

Do you think your Aunt and Mum might be feeling defensive about their C-sections and that's why they are against a home birth?

You'll be transferred to hospital at the first sign of a problem - does your aunt know this? I'm sure you, like most women opting for home birth, have already thought it all through so unless she's come up with a new argument - ignore.

You may just have to draw a line under all discussions about the birth with your family and politely let them know that the issue isn't up for discussion at all next time one of them raises it. I had to do this with certain family members before DD's birth but fortunately they weren't quite as strongly anti as yours.

Anecdotal evidence is interesting but it's no basis for a decision on its own. I know someone who suffered a massive bleed after a doctor cut a blood vessel during an episiotomy. I know of someone else whose baby was stillborn because of an infection that wasn't picked up on. They're both very sad stories but I know that they say nothing about the safety of hospital birth overall. I would certainly never try to dissuade anyone else from giving birth in hospital because of these stories.

You sound like you've done your own research and made your own choice. As you're the one who's going to be giving birth, that seems reasonable to me.

You poor thing! Please don't cry. It is your body, your baby and your decision. It is unbelievably stupid and insensitive for someone to send an email like that.

For what it's worth, I have the narrowest hips you've ever seen and had a home birth with DC1 4 months ago: 5 hours from start to finish, no pain relief, no stitches! It was lovely and I felt so so safe with my 2 lovely midwives. Breastfeeding at the mo but happy to discuss if it would help you at all.

dizi thank you for that, I think I've read about the small pelvis thing, but not specifically on that website, will have a look. Had not thought about the issues my giving birth might raise for them, we are all very close, and they went through motherhood far too early in my opinion (21 for the first) and probably not informed at all (except by the lovely dr spock).

msbossy yes, I'll be replying to her reasonable points, as she does not say anything that I've not thought about/read about before, thank you for posting.

togarama indeeed you are right, and if it does not improve DH is even saying that they need not know as I'm not having any of them at the birth , but even so it upsetted me.

onefishtwofish thank you so much, your kind of story is just what I need! the thought of you and your little one just made me cry again... sorry I'm so hormonal at the moment!

I to am the skinniest thing size 6/8 and have tiny hips I had my DS2 in 45 mins at home from start to finish and everyone had told me I would have problems delivering because I was so small, just shows that size has nothing to do with it (DS was 7lb 4oz)

I dont have narrow hips (regretfully ), but I did have two terrible hospital labours both of which ended in forceps births. Then I had a lovely home delivery with DC3, who slid out within 3 hours of first real pains with just a couple of puffs of gas and air (which was more to discourage me from pushing while the MW put her gloves on!).

As Togarama says, I dont try to put anyone off having a hospital birth because of my bad experiences.

If you are convinced of what you want to do, then I think that this is the time to draw a line under discussions. Be kind but firm and explain that you would prefer not to discuss it further.

There will be lots of things you are likely to disagree with your mum and aunt about over the rest of your life as a parent. You may as start as you mean to go on, by thanking them for the advice but confirming you will be making your own decision.

great story hawes, encouraging!

ballstoit there is plenty we disagree on already! so you are right. No harm in re-evaluating the evidence and keep on thinking about it though, so that's what I'll probably do.

Thank you so much everyone for posting, I really feel much better now with all your support!

I'm 37+3 and am planning a homebirth as well. We just had our homebirth talk with our lovely midwife and they do transfer you at the first sign of trouble. That being said, she also told us that out of 100 women, 80 will have a successful home birth and the 20 that don't are a mixture of necessity (which can include transfer after the baby is born) and the desire for an epidural.

My parents are American so they were quite skeptical as well though my mum had relatively straightforward labours.

Have you read Ina May Gaskin's books at all? They are amazingly reassuring.

As everyone has said, you should do what you feel is best for you and not what anyone else thinks is right.

Poor you, pressure form others is horrible. We tried not to mention our HB plans to many people for this reason, and our mws were really good at packaging it as - "you labour for as long as you can/want to at home. If that's until after the birth, great, if not, fine. we will stay with you and support you." I found that a good way to broach it with people.

DH and I did have a discussion in which we agreed that this was something we wanted to do and that we, as a couple would have to be strong in knowing it was a decision we had made if anything went wrong. Nothing did go wrong, I had a brilliant HB, with lovely mws.

After the birth, lots of peopl texted/emailed and said good luck taking DD home etc, to which we replied, we are at hhome! Lots of people were surprised but no oone voiced negativity at that stage.

FWIW- people love telling you absolute horror stories about birth whatever you planned place of delivery is. Try and get into a bubble and ignore. Good luck.

LLKH thanks, yes I've read Ina May G. Can I ask you, although I will ask when I have that visit, it's just that there is still some weeks to go, What do they consider 'the first sign of trouble'? would a cord round the neck be a sign of trouble? also, did she say anything about resuciation equipment?
Reply only if you want to, don't worry if you don't, I have lots of questions and am sure midwives vary in their approach.
I hope your HB goes perfectly! are you using a pool?

I had a hospital birth with DD, and was left lone for most of it, very little observation from the midwife (4 brief checks in 12 hours)

If something had been going wrong with me or the baby I think it would've been spotted much more quickly at home, as the m/w is only with you, not a ward full of women, and I would've gotten to help at the hospital in an ambulance quicker than if i'd been on the ward.

I planned a home birth but went in to hospital because my bp went up (though no problems in the end). Natural vb, no big issues, I got quicker / stronger pain relief in hospital which I was quite glad of by then, so my so my story is one of those "laboured at home as long as possible" stories. I'm very pleased overall, and feel it went well despite not ending up as a hb - you have to allow for that possibility after all, but yes, they really do send you in quick smart if you need!

Ps of course you must make your own mind up about cycling, especially in the current weather, but cycling is not thought to be dangerous per se - it is mentioned in places as a useful form of exercise in pg. I cycled till I went in mat leave at 38 weeks. It will depend on the traffic and road conditions you have locally, I'm sure!

Hello,
Not an MN regular but just wanted to say that if you have thought it through, addressing any potential pitfalls, and want a home birth then you definitely should go ahead.

My two home births went very well indeed. I was 38 for the first and 40 for the second AND I have a long term medical condition so was closely questioned/tested before given the OK for HB. I mention these things only because some would say it is a problem for first babies/older mothers/etc. Baby no.2 arrived just over two weeks early too.

My midwife (in Devon, v pro-HB area) was very practical and also happy to talk to sceptical relatives; perhaps yours would do the same?

As others have said, you will be whisked to hospital if necessary. We did live fairly near the local hospital, which had a bearing on our decision, but my friend in deepest Shropshire countryside also had two home births. Her neighbours LOVED her as the roads were kept clear of snow throughout last week of each pregnancy.

Chin up, there is nothing to beat breast feeding your brand new still-attached baby in your own bed. You carry on as planned.

p.s. don't get any ideas though about doing exciting alternative things with the placenta. Ours was stuck in a hazardous waste bucket and I was banned from keeping it on pain of being sent off to hospital (nooooo!)

I went for a home birth for my second, I also had some -ve comment from my family, but dh was born at home and so mil was very supportive. ds was back to back which did mean that labour was longer than with ds1, but a friend went to the hospital at 2.30am to get me some more gas ( I do love that stuff!). Unfortunatly when the midwife broke my waters to get things moving, there was fresh myconium, so I was transfered immediately by ambulance with flashing blue lights. Hospital delivery was horrible, labour at home was lovely :)

I would say try the home birth, I assume you aren't too far from the hospital should you need to be transfered.

One word of warning, DH was very traumatised by the transfer, I was high on the gas and very relaxed, he heard everything the proffessionals were saying :(

Fessa I agree that that's the best attitude to have, and really think of it like that myself as I am in no way certain of how am going to cope with the labour (I haven't broken a bone or had a toothache in my life...)

Robyn definetly the idea of having 2 relaxed mws just for you sounds better than that scenario, would you try a HB if you were to have another baby?

comixminx, glad it all went well, do you think you avoided unecessary interventions by labouring as long at home? With my family's history of failure to progress and the ineffectivness of induccion in their cases I feel that having all those things done to us would be more dangerous than not.

knittakid My midwife is with the Whittington in London; others may have different policies but here is what she said is their policy yesterday.

She mentioned changes in the baby's heartbeat, that is changes outside the normal range, changes in your blood pressure as comixminx experienced and others that I can't remember off the top of my head.

They do carry resuscitation equipment with them and as to the cord, if the baby's head is delivered and they can see it, they simply lift it over the head if all else is well, otherwise they will transfer after the baby is fully out.

What I was pleased to find out was that they don't automatically transfer you if there's a bit of shoulder dystocia. If it is really wedged they will but apparently they use the Gaskin maneuver first; that is you get on all fours if you aren't there already, and they reach up and have a go at turning the baby (DH thinks, and I agree, that as we are mammals and we live in England, that this should really be called the Herriot maneuver over here ).

The midwife also said that many women who do transfer into hospital have an experience much like comixminx which I also found reassuring.

Generally, they do the homebirth chat at 35-36 weeks. We had ours late because the baby measured slightly big with the tape measure and we needed to go in for a scan. Think my midwife just had loose hands that day as the scan shows that the baby is bang in the middle of average. Hope that helps somewhat.

I'm currently 33 weeks pg and started off registered with the local hospital to have a HB.

Unfortunatly that's the hospital in which I had DD and it was a horrible experience, I left feeling lucky that we'd both escaped with our lives, and went on to have PND, partly triggered by the birth. I realised quite quickly that I couldn't bear to spend this pregnancy worrying about the possibility of having to go back there if anything went wrong.

So I've transferred to another hospital (we're in London so lots to 'choose' from) but because it's not my closest one I can't have a HB with them. I am really sad about that, but it's the right decision for us - I trust the new hospital and it's staff, it's a totally different atmosphere. The most important thing is that you feel safe in the hands of those who will be looking after you and your baby, wherever that baby is born.

Just quickly comixmix yes I cycled up to about 3 weeks ago, then it got really cold and I live in Bristol, with its ridiculous hills and worried about going downhill too fast and having a silly fall, If I go somwhere flat I cycle cautiously.

pinkhebe hospital is about 10 min away traffic permiting, how awful for your DH, could he not have a quick puff of the G&A ? no, quite seriously that must have been awful.

knit1purl1 thank you so much for posting. I feel better now and have regained some of the possitiveness that I lost yesterday. I certainly can't wait to have him in my arms and bf, as you say.
Thanks for the warning about the placenta, DH will be very disappointed, he was thinking of a Hugh Fearnley-W style party...

To OP: Sorry to hear that your aunt has spoken out of turn.

Spain also suffer from highly medicalized birthing. Your aunt is not in possession of any of what really happened from an informed pov in any of the births she claims to know about. She had the best intentions but is completely wrong.

Narrow hips have nothing to do with safe birthing. Deformed hips maybe but not narrow ones. I

Take the time to read about Active births which will be very empowering.

my DW had a HB with our second (water birth). we went to a talk on HBs at the hospital which had all the statistics. i think their transfer rate was 16%, and in 9 years the midwife giving the talk had only had to do 1 emergency transfer. we also live about 5 miles from the hospital so knew we could get there quickly if necessary.

She had a very fast HB, but unfortunately had a PPH so had to transfer to hospital. in the end I think that even had she been in the hospital it would have taken 10 mins to ge the Drs, set up the room etc, so we were no worse off. while we were bitterly disappointed to have to transfer, she says she was still pleased she had the baby at home. it's weird to look at our living room and think she was born here.

Sorry crossposted. Thank you for all the info LLKH, really.

Robin you are right about feeling safe with whatever you decide, wish you the best of luck!

foxy that's what I suspected, although she said that they promote HB quite a lot (becasue it saves them money according to her [sorry, really do not want to slag her, she is just concerned]), and yes, I know better about the narrow hips, it just touched a nerve due to what i grew up thinking and hearing.

hermione thank you very very much for sharing that.

I'm 38 weeks and booked in for a HB with DC2. Fortunately I have received very little negativity, although some people have been surprised or said I'm brave (mainly because no epidurals at home). I have kept it quiet around people I thought wouldn't approve, or unless someone asks which hospital I'm going to.

My Mum was concerned, but I went through all the information the MW gave me about emergencies, reasons for transfer, what they'd do at home etc and that reassured her. I also have a doula - something you could think about. If money is an issue you can look for a trainee. Mine is a trainee and is absolutely lovely and it's great knowing whatever happens and wherever I end up being, she will be there so DH and I won't be on our own.

Personally, I think the main benefits of HB will be that I feel a lot more comfortable at home than hospital and therefore feel I will labour better at home and also be better supported by the midwives. However, if I were getting a lot of opposition I could see I would feel anxious and the benefits of being at home could be lost. Wherever you decide to labour and birth, try to inform yourself but don't let people freak you out with HB/hospital horror stories. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not that I'm planning on keeping it myself, but I think the placenta is yours. They can't refuse to give it to you surely if you want to keep it?