People who had doulas and a DH /DP during labour, did they work well together?

[Miffster]

Sorry bit long and woffley

Have been reading another thread about a woman who's having her DH and mother at her birth, and the issue was raised whether having an experienced woman birth companion (in this case, her mum) would have an impact upon the father's ability to feel part of it and be fully involved and feel useful. For example, would he defer/withdraw to the female birth companion, because he had no experience of giving birth/attending labours/was not a woman etc? Could this negatively affect the couple in their experience of bringing the life they have created into the world together, i.e. would he feel a bit useless?

And so on. Obviously the dynamic is going to be a bit different when it's a labouring woman/her mum/her husband/partner (plus midwife/hospital staff) versus a labouring woman/her husband/partner and her doula (plus midwife/hospital staff)

The doula will, I expect, have had training in how to support the couple.

But even so - did the mere presence of an experienced female birth attendant with a clear 'emotional support' role have a noticeable effect on your baby's father if he attended the birth - did he defer/feel more useless/hang back and take less of an active role or otherwise feel less a part of it?

If the doula is there for emotional support, and also knows more about birth, breathing, massage, positioning, etc than the first-time father, and the medical person/midwife is the expert down the business end, does this mean he is likely to feel a bit of a spare part?

Possibly I'm projecting a bit as well as speculating: if I was asked to attend a friend or sister during labour, but hadn't yet had a baby myself, and she also had a doula and a midwife, I'd probably feel a bit of a spare part and tend to keep out of the way and let 'the experts' take over with the words of encouragement/breathing coaching/passing the icechips etc.

Our DC1 is due in December and I have tried very hard to make my DH feel 100% part of this pregnancy all the way through, (which he has enthusiastically embraced) and I guess I am anxious not to mess it up at the end. We do have a doula, and she is lovely. I just want to know more about how it worked for other women for reassurance that bringing her in is the right thing.

Thanks

I had a doula and DH present when I gave birth to DC1 5 weeks ago and it worked brilliantly. I think a lot of it depends on whether the personalities work well together - we both got on very well with our doula. If either of us had not liked her - how does your DH get on with your doula? Our's supported both of us throughout the birth and mad it clear from the start that she would be there for both of us. Having her there enabled DH to be more confident in his abilites to be involved - he's very very squeamish to the point of fainting and knowing that he could step outside the room if it all got too much and that I woudl still be supported helped us both. In the end he coped brilliantly with it and saw the whole thing and only had to look away when they cut the cord and when I insisted on being talked through exactly which bits of the placenta did what . On the day the three of us, DH, the doula and me, worked as a team - DH and I feel that his role was enhanced by having her there. We'd definitely want to use her again.
Hpoe that helps! And good luck! XX

I had a doula with dd1 and have booked her again for dd2. We had a HB and the doula was brilliant - things moved pretty fast and so she was able to be with me in the early stages while DH was on his way home from work, and then they helped put up the pool together. She was able to come and talk me through contractions while he was busy filling a kettle to warm up the water!

I guess our situation was a bit different to usual in that DH is medically trained, so he knew what to expect in terms of noises, sights etc . Towards the second stage she stepped back a bit and he was the one talking to me and letting me squeeze his fingers excessively :) but she did occasionally remind him that things like a sip of water or a bit of food would be good for me at times. I think they worked really well as a team (like cardamomginger says) and there was never a point during labour when I felt I needed more support than was available. We were lucky in that it was quite a straightforward delivery and the midwife was quite hands off, so really the doula was just encouraging me to let my body do its own thing.

A hospital birth would most likely be a different dynamic to a HB, so in that situation I would think having an experienced companion would be even more valuable for the times when the MW wasn't able to be with you. I don't have a mum so she was never an option, but I think possibly in a lot of situations an experienced doula (who has been there in a lot of different birthing experiences) could be more helpful than your mum who only knows what she has experienced. Not denigrating mums' own experiences, of course, but a doula is trained specifically to be able to support you through all sorts of different situations and difficulties.

As long as all three of you get on well, I'm sure you'll work things out on the day!

We had a doula and she saw her job very much as being to support DP as well as me. All the coaching that she did was stuff that he wouldn't have been able to, so it didn't overlap with what he would / should have done, and it left him free to support me really well through the contractions.

Thanks that has really put my mind at rest! We have a couple of meetings booked in with our doula pre-birth so I think we can hopefully all practise working as a team and get to know each other better, especially DH. I'm hoping that the doula will be able to support both of us, and what you have said has been very encouraging.