Traumatised by birth, getting worse not better, sorry its long

[QueenOfFlamingEverything]

I had DS (my second baby) 8 weeks ago.

When my older DD was born I had a lovely calm HB with absolutely no complications, and just assumed that I would go on to have any future babies at home too. However, DS was overdue and I ended up agreeing to induction at 43 weeks. I agonised for days about what to do for the best (numerous threads on here!), I was so scared of the induction and having to be in hospital.

I was induced with prostaglandin pessary, it took 12 hours for labour to be established, then DS's heart rate started dropping dramatically so my waters were broken. I then went from 5cm to 10cm in an hour with just gas and air, spent 90 minutes pushing, and then his shoulders got stuck, my contractions just stopped, I couldn't push him out. They got him out with McRobert's manouevre and he was fine, good apgar score, and 9lb 15oz. I wanted physiological third stage but didn't stop bleeding, was still in pain, shaky, feeling sick, this went on for half an hour until I decided to have syntometrine. Still didn't stop bleeding or shaking, was about to be put on a drip, when they managed to stop it with uterine massage. Went home in the morning morning (he was born at 2.30am), they wanted me to stay but I couldn't bear to be there another moment.

Now it doesn't sound that bad, and physically we are both unscathed, but it has affected me so badly. I cannot think about it without crying, in fact I am crying about it at least daily even 8 weeks on.

I was so scared - I thought one of us was going to die. DS because of his heart rate dropping so often and because every single HCP we saw in the hospital was so appalled at how late he was. The consultant demanded to know "why I'd let this go on so long?" and told me the waters would be full of meconium (luckily they were clear when broken) and that he expected he'd be called to do a section on me within the hour. Me because of the pain... nothing like what I had coped with so well when my DD was born. His head (on the 98th centile for a 42 week baby!) ground against my bones every inch of the way down.

I didn't think I could do it. I never doubted myself when DD was born but this time, I really thought I couldn't do it. I was so so scared.

I cannot bear DP to come near me now. All I can see in my head when he kisses or touches me is all those different people messing about inside me. I know it is ridiculous because they were all trying to help me and DS but I feel violated by all those hands.

I cannot get the whole thing out of my head. It just goes round and round in there, I feel as though my body let me and DS down so badly by not going into labour, the flashbacks to it are getting more frequent and more upsetting rather than fading away.

How do you get over it? Does it get better?

really sorry to hear this. please get in touch with the birth trauma association or sheila kitzinger's birth crisis

it's not ridicolous, you shouldn't be over it by now.. you had a terrible time , especially as you have a far more positive brith to compare it to

it will get better, but you might need specialised help - flashbakcs are a sign of PTSD

speak to your doc or HV

the consultatn had no right to speak to you like that about your infomred decision to go to 43 weks. you are a sentient woman who put a lot of thought into your decision

got to dash, but i am sure someone else will ben along soonxx

Oh Queen

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I don't know much about this stuff, but someone will know what to say that's helpful. Just didn't want to not post.

I do think though that it's awfully soon to expect yourself to get over it; and it's not "ridiculous" that you feel this way.

Congratulations on your baby.

Does your hospital do post-birth couselling? Mine did, and without it, I'd never have had DDs 2 and 3. My birth wasn't so bad by the standards of some, but that didn't matter - it was the most dreadful experience for me, and I needed help to get over it.

Talk to other women too - it can be very healing to keep going over it and laying it to rest. DHs are notoriously crap at this bit, so sisters/friends/mothers are your best bet. And here - we'll listen to you here too.

Gosh I could have written something very very similar. I gave birth 12 days ago.

Both my labours were induced but with ds (3) I was so calm andx just knew I could do it and it was a quick and not too painful labour. This time i felt way, way out of my depth. I didnt think I could do it, I kept saying I was going to die, imagining ds being motherless, imagining the baby dying when its heart rate dropped etc.

The pain was out of this world this time (back to back) and I felt like I needed to push but was not anywhere near fully dilated.

Afterwards i kept bleeding and was being poked and prodded by 2 midwives and a doctor and they were trying to hook me up to drips and get blood etc - I felt COMPLETELY violated.

I dont mean to hijack your thread just that youre not alone and Im willing to listen any time.

TheUnmentioned - DS was also back-to-back. The pain was a whole world away from 'normal' labour pain that I'd experienced before.

I don't know, I'd feel kind of like a fraud contacting the birth trauma people, I mean it was not that bad. I have just had an extreme reaction to it, and also I suppose am still coming to terms with the gulf between my expectation and the reality of how it went.

I don't think the hospital has post-birth counselling and tbh if its offered by their staff I don't think I'd want it. With the exception of one midwife, they were clearly of the opinion that I got what I deserved for 'letting' DS be so overdue. They kept predicting problems, and then afterwards telling me how lucky I was that nothing had gone seriously wrong and that it hadn't been worse, and Wasn't I Glad I'd Gone In After All?

Queen, it clearly was 'that bad' for you. It's the fact that things went so completely differently to how you had planned it.

To give you some perspective, I was in labour for 14 hours with DD1 before they took me in for an emergency section. I ended up having it under general anaesthetic, as my epidural wasn't working. I had gone into labour spontaneously, had ARM, then synto first.

I was distraught that my envisaged natural water birth didn't happen, and that I was unconscious when DD1 was born. It took me 2 visits to the post-birth counselling to get anywhere near coming to terms with it. And it really wasn't that bad.

The midwife who talked me through it, BTW, was intentionally one who had had nothing at all to do with my care during my labour, so she was as neutral as possible. However, I did not (and do not) feel that the medical staff did anything 'wrong' in my case - this is different for you, as no-one blamed me at any time for what happened.

I think your reaction to it kind of defines how bad it was iyswim -- I'm not saying that is the case with everything in life, but with something like feeling traumatized by a bad experience ... well, if you feel that way, then it evidently was bad enough to make you feel like that.

I'm not putting it very well but what I mean is that there is no question of you being a fraud! Please, if there is any chance it will help you, contact them. That is why they are there. You are crying about it, having flashbacks ... it clearly was that bad. I'm sure that there will be light at the end of the tunnel and you can get past it, but it will be harder if you don't have support.

I had long back-to-back labour with DS too, and the pain was a shocker (got nearly all the way dilated at home, but had emcs in the end after stalling).

There is no scale of birth trauma. No one is going to judge you, certainly not the trained professionals who are used to dealing with birth trauma.

I had a difficult second birth (crash CS) and did not know that I could have requested counseling. I wish I had, as I might not have suffered from PND if I had more support in the weeks and months following the birth.

Congratulations on the birth of your DS. Go and get help so that you can come to terms with his birth and enjoy his babyhood to the full.

Poor you. How awful. I think Lulumaam is right, you might have PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD earlier in the year - symptoms of which are flashbacks, avoidance and emotional flooding resulting in crying jags and just reliving the events over and over and over again.

I went for counselling and was then referred for EMDR therapy, which sorted me out and I feel totally normal again. Do get help. If it is PTSD it won't go away on it's own.

I feel so exactly the same as you, everything youre saying is exactly almost word for word what Ive been saying. I know people are in labour for days, have forceps deliveries, have emcs, have terrible outcomes etc and I feel Im making a mountain out of a molehill but I just feel so shocked I suppose by how it went. I think thats a legitimate feeling.

The pain between my 2 labours was like comparing having a paper cut to having your arm hacked off with no anaesthetic imo!

You poor thing, I really feel for you. MY DD was back-to-back and after 3 failed ventouse attempts was finally yanked out with forceps. I found the whole experience very frightening - even more so now than when it was actually happening. I think I had PND because of it but only went to GP recently and that has really helped. Do consider getting some help, keep talking about it and congratulations on your new baby.

Maybe I will go to see my GP then. I just hate to make a fuss

Things just keep resurfacing, like today I was in floods of tears remembering how I had to give DS to DP to hold while waiting for the placenta because I felt too ill to hold him myself. He was only a few minutes old, I wanted to hold him Obviously we have made up for it since and its not the end of the world, but those first minutes won't ever happen again and they weren't how they should have been.

I don't think I have PND as such but the way I feel about the birth is really clouding everything atm. I don't feel nice about myself at all.

Oh lovey. I've been there. The guilt at so many other hands touching dd, the flashbacks, nightmares, fear of being touched, unable to talk about it.

I had a tough birth with dd. She was also back to back, but turned to transverse and tilted her head too. The pain was indescribable. I felt so out of control. I knew I was about to die. I knew I couldn't survive. My home waterbirth turned into every intervention possible and the most frightening and painful days of my life.

It took me 3 years to get help and I only sought help after another traumatic event. Don't let it get that far. You don't need to apologise, you don't need a level of trauma to qualify for help. Don't let the first weeks, months or years of your beautiful baby's life be taken up with guilt and flashbacks. There is help out there. You just need to ask for it.

You did nothing wrong. You are not to blame. You need to find a way to accept that.

I'm horrified at the way you were spoken to. You did NOT deserve that.

My heart goes out to you. I had a horrific ordeal with DD1 that left me traumatised to the point where I would have flashbacks 8 months later which left me shaking and nauseous. There's some really good advice above, especially about the Birth Trauma Association. When I finally read their website, I was so relieved that I wasn't the only one who was feeling the way I was feeling. I also went through counselling when I was pg with DS (now 10 months old) and one thing that helped me was automatic writing.

I don't mean letting spirits take over your pen , I mean finding some time when you simply write about the experience. Write and write and write until you feel like you've got it all out. Don't worry about punctuation, grammar etc, no one will see it except for yourself. It acts as a kind of release.

Also, I ordinarily work in a hospital and maternity units are expected to offer a "debrief" to anyone who is upset about their birth experience. It can be helpful to have a meeting with the modern matron to discuss why certain things happened the way they did. It doesn't have to be a formal meeting, just a chance to talk about it all so that you find answers to your questions. Contact your local PALS office and see if they have someone who can arrange a meeting for you if you don't feel able to do it yourself. Just something to think about.

I hope whatever you do that in time, the awful experience stops affecting your everyday life and you can enjoy your family. xx

Do go and see your GP.

I know what you mean about the first moments. I missed on the first day of DS's life because I was still knocked out from the GA.

It hurts less and less as time goes on, and now I have pretty much come to terms with it.

It doesn't help that the general opinion seemed to be, "oh, what a shame, but never mind, at least you are both safe and well".

One person has told me I shouldn't feel bad about it as 'it's not like you get a medal for doing it naturally' Ok so they were trying to be helpful but, um, it wasn't.

Something else that is happening, though I don't know if it is related, is that I keep imagining horrible things happening to DS and DD. I get these irrational worries and vivid mental pictures that I can't get out of my head, and its quite distressing.

I am working up the courage to make a GP appointment.

QofFE everything you have said about what you are experiencing right now is a normal reaction to what has happened. I have the t-shirt already. I hope you don't mind hearing tha thte road to recovery can be a long one but that you can get there.

I don't have time to post right now but will keep looking at your thread. so sorry you have been through this.

Im one of those who totally understands the total trauma and disappointment you feel.

DS1 was emcs good labour but induced and really could of been born naturally. DS2 was crash ecms because they broke my waters and I too went very quick to 6cm but all of a sudden he went into distress and I was slammed down on the bed and rushed into theatre. The pain I was in and wind when coming around was horrendous. I felt so ripped off but having 2 ecms - both down to inducement.

Really its early days and crying everyday is what a lot of us have done. It took me 6 months to calm down and the birth envy I have now gets me everytime a friend delivers calmly.

You can go to the GP but my experience wasnt that good and made it worse, but dont go popping any pills! You have to mend those awful memories, not only have you the shock of a newborn, exhausted and near enough at the same time an extremely traumatic event all in one. Its going to take time and expecting yourself just to get over it is impossible. 8 weeks is still too early and assuming that you were beaming after the first child your prob wondering where these feeling are?

I decided in the end just to accept what had happened and there was nothing I could do to change things now. Hind sight is great but can cause depression.

I feel so much envy for those luck ones who have had that wonderful experiences with their partner. But what I have got is two gorgeous boys who are both big and strong.

Birth is such a memorable thing and I can remember detail by detail of both births. But life goes on and so many positive things happen now.

We totally understand your misery, give it time, rest and give yourself a good cry and scream. Let hubby know that you need to vent your anger and fustration.

QoFE - I'm sorry you were let down so badly by those who are meant to care for you. It is absolutely not your fault and no blame should have been laid at your door (especially not during labour - how fucking insensitive).

As for the reoccuring thoughts you mention in your last post - they are called intrusive thoughts. Everyone has intrusive thoughts to one extent or another but most people just dismiss the thought and move on. As you have just been through a very traumatising event you may find you have more of those thoughts or that they are 'louder' and more insistent.

ITs can be part of a PN illness called Post Natal Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (PND-OCD) or they can be part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Or indeed they can be completely 'normal' and are not part of any illness but you could be paying more attention to them at the moment as you are feeling so very down.

Please see your GP or talk to your HV about how upset you are and see if you can get some help (be it counselling/birth de-brief/what have you).

Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone in thinking you were treated very badly.

I'm not sure what I am going to say but I wanted to say something.

I'm so sorry you are still suffering after your extremely traumatic experience. I agree with the others that you should go to your gp when you find the courage.

I now realise that I had some kind of ptsd or birth experience related pnd which has only just started to ease but will definitely need to talk to someone before giving birth again (if I ever do)

I was induced at 40+11 - it began on the Saturday with the prostin gel and ended on the Monday with ds being pulled out with forceps.
He was back to back and 9lbs7oz. I recall screaming in agony as the dr pulled and the nurse was injecting me with syntocin to increase the stregnth of my contractions. I felt completely out of control and terrified for my boy.

I had to have a blood transfusion 3 days later when they found out I had an extremely low hb level - I was told I was in grave danger of cardiac arrest.

I realise now I had flasbacks every day for about 18 months (I thought it was normal) My main problem is the guilt - his first experience of the world is one of pain because I couldn't do what I was supposed to. It was all my fault. I felt sick and shocked every day.

It has taken time but I have forgiven myself. I also felt that I couldn't ask for help but I now realise I should have and perhaps I would've come to terms with it earlier.

I wish you all the best. Please let someone help if you can, when you are ready x

It is not right that you are having those scary thoughts. I too had scary thoughts that I had no control over. I was afraid to ask for help and it was torture. I wanted to tear my brain out. Please do talk to someone - I found the courage to tell my lovely dh and eventually the thoughts lost their intensity and went away. I would not want to go through that again - I thought I was losing my mind.