Wimp in desperate need of support please

[MrBertPanda]

I?ve been reading all (literally all) the posts on this forum for months now desperately trying to find something to overcome my complete overwhelming phobia of childbirth. You all seem so lovely, I don?t know what I?m after by putting this out there but I need help. I have felt like this for a very very long time, no idea when it started or why, i have no bad experiences with this before i just can?t cope with even thinking about being put in that situation. I have a wonderful DP who has been very open from the day we met that he loves children and I know he would be an amazing dad, we?ve been together over 4 years and this week i found a very nice expensive looking ring in his work jacket!!! At which point i have a massive panic attack and ended up in hospital, not because we may be getting married but that i know that the next step is children ( I?ve always said i want to be married first) and I can?t deal with having to birth a baby. This is very hard to explain as the things that other mums netters have been talking about aren?t the things that i am so fearful of, i work in a hospital and find them to be very safe and comfortable environments so not scared of going in, i have regular blood tests etc so not the least scared of needles, interventions, not embarrassed or squeamish in the slightest, i have been caring for babies almost constantly since i was 7 so i know exactly what to do with it when it?s here, I?m not worried about losing ?myself? when it?s here as i don?t think it?s going to significantly change ?me? and am looking forward to dedicating myself to being someone?s mummy. I?ll have support as both sets of parents are gagging for us to start a family, both our families are fantastic and in no way difficult or stressful in anyway and have already negotiating babysitting duties (they literally have but in a really nice way). What i am stressing about is the PAIN. Seeing it like this it seems so pathetic that i am letting this get in the way of us having a family but i just can?t deal with the thought that this may one day be something that will happen, that at some point i will be pregnant and have absolutely no option but to go through it is so scary that I?m crying all over the keyboard and starting to hyperventilate just typing this to you all. It?s so silly, i have no-one who understands just how much this is effecting me, my mum has had 6 natural births with no pain relief (not even G&A as it annoyed her WTF!!!) all over 8lbs including term twins, and DP?s mum has had 4 naturally and takes pride that it barely hurt at all!!! My best friend who i love very much had her DD at 32+4 in the back of a ford fiesta on the M25 so although i know she?d be lovely and supportive i can?t bring myself to tell her i?m freaking out like this over what will hopefully be a ?normal? birth. I?ve read literally all the books and know what is supposed to happen and what my options are all the way through. Watched that Cherry has baby program and can?t believe she thinks she?s scared of birth, she was smiling laughing and going about her life as if nothing was wrong, i haven?t been that relaxed for a very long time and i?m not even pregnant. OMG this is such a long post i?m so sorry but i need advise quick as i don?t want DP stuck with someone who may effectively ruin his life.

Bugger all the ?'s are ' on the program i wrote this on. sorry.

I'm sure someone will come along soon with some good advice.
What you feel is not unique - there is a specific phobia about childbirth.
Lots of people will tell you about their birth, but they are all different.
Yes, it does hurt, but the pain can be managed and there are lots of options.

I think you need some professional help and guidance with your fears - go and have a chat with your GP, I'm sure there is help out there.
Good luck!

Yes, it sounds like your fear of childbirth could be a true phobia (tokophobia), not just simple apprehension. The good news is that this is very very treatable .

Go and see your GP and get referred now, well before children are actually on the cards.

FWIW, I found all my deliveries the Most Exciting Experiences of my life, bar none, and am a total wimp in regards to pain normally. But I certainly did not have phobic feelings about labour beforehand, so do seek help. You do not have to go on feeling like this.

Oh, and please, for long posts, use paragraphs - much much easier on my poor middle-aged eyes .

I'm no use to you whatsoever with your fears apart from the fact that I do understand that logic doesn't come into it and you can't help it. However I can reassure you that an epidural makes for a pain free birth once it's working, I am sure you can get help to deal with your fears, like JaynieB suggests try starting with your GP
Good luck

I think you really need to speak to a professional about this as your phobia is clearly affecting your life in a big way. I know someone who had an elective caesarean with her first baby as she was scared of giving birth, I don't know many details about it but this may be an option for you. A friend of mine had ptsd after a very traumatic delivery with her first child and she is now preparing for the birth of her second baby with a hypnobirthing course and she is very positive about things now so that may also help you. The main thing for you is to do something now before you think about getting pregnant because your fear is not just going to go away and it will probably get worse as you get nearer to starting a family. I hope you manage to find a solution, babies are so worth what you go through giving birth to them

Here is some info on hypnotherapy

You are most definetely not alone, this is a well recognised condition and nothing at all to do with being silly or just needing to 'pull yourself together'.

Please do seek help and don't let this fear determine how the rest of your life will be shaped.

I think pacificdogwood has given some worldy advice. I don't want to trivialise your fears, but just to say that nature has a way of helping you overcome a fear of the pain of childbirth. That is that by the end of your pregnancy, you are so large, so fed up, and absolutely desperate to get the baby out no matter what!!
Honestly, I am 38 weeks pregnant with my second baby, I know how much it hurt the first time round but here I am again - and right now, I'm thinking 'bring it on'!!!! Whatever it takes.

I think some professional help would be useful for you to help you overcome the fear. Yes it hurts, but it is do-able

Good luck

I had an elective CS recently, agreed with a consultant and perinatal mental health team because of severe primary tokophobia [phobia about giving birth].

It was a wonderful positive experience and I now have a beautiful DS.

I was basically in denial about it until I got pregnant (which didn't happen easily, so I had fertility anxieties to deal with to take my mind off birth phobia...). Obviously as others have said, it's much more sensible to try and deal with it before getting pregnant - it gives you more options, for a start. A CS was great for me, but it's not the only answer.

I'm very wary of diagnosis on message boards, but your post sounds as if you have very high levels of anxiety about, and I would approach your GP and ask for psychological support.

Tokophobia isn't a widely known problem, and there's very little general understanding or sympathy for it, IME. But from where I am, looking after my 1st DS (10 weeks old), I think it's utterly tragic that some women never have a family they desperately want because of this phobia. I'm sure if you get the help you need, you can move forward and start your family. Good luck.

Thank you so much everyone for reading all that. I have an appointment coming soon to see someone (bemused A&E staff spoke to GP for me).

At least you all agree that this is the best thing that i should be doing. That barkfox was taken seriously and that CS (although i'm not sure that's my solution) was an option has actually made me feel more positive about all this than anything else so far.

Sorry PacificDogwood i started and it all just came out in one big blob paragraph.

One of my relatives was diagnosed with tokophobia, and was treated very compassionately by medical staff.

She put off having a child for years, and even after that only had the one baby, but she would agree that the way she was treated was exemplary. She was given additional appointments while pregnant to get used to the hospital environment and talk things through in detail, and had the agreement from doctors that she would be given an epidural as soon as she arrived at hospital so that the birth was pain free.

I agree that you need to push for a clear diagnosis. If this is genuine phobia, then you may well decide that a fully medicalised birth is the best option for you. If it turns out not to be, then rest assured that many women are terrified about how they will cope with the pain, but find the strength from within to manage it. It's not a logical thing - I never thought I had a particularly high pain threshold - but it's amazing what your body can do once you are in 'the zone'.

This sounds like a genuine phobia and needs to be treated well before you get pregnant. I also think you need to be honest to your partner about your fears so that he can be supportive.

I can also say that I was very apprehensive about the pain, though not to the level of your anxiety. I had epidurals with both mine as soon as I felt the pain was too much, and had lovely pain-free births. It's amazing how your body takes over your mind when it's happening!

I have a pain phobia and put off having children in part because of it. I have to have anaethesia to have my teeth cleaned! When I became pregnant I asked for an elective C-section and was given it with no problem. I was even reassured that if I had gone into labour before the section date they would have progressed immediately to section as it was in my notes. In the end everything was really easy and pain free.

Hi this is a message to MrBertPanda.

I have suffered from tokophobia since my teens. It takes over your life but there is help out there. I went to see a counsellor and also had a course of antidepressants as I was in a constant state of panic and crying all day. Once I was calm I booked an appointment at my local hospital to see if they would agree to a c-section before I became pregnant, which they agreed to and they put this in writing for me as I was paranoid they would change their minds once I was pregnant. In 2008 I became pregnant and went straight into panic mode but after another course of antidepressants and a very supportive partner and family I actually started to enjoy the pregnancy. Our little girl was born 5 weeks early(due to pre-eclampsia) via c-section. I had a very positive experience and am planning to have another one next year. It's a very hard phobia to deal with but you can work round it. Wishing you all the best.