So this is the conversation I just had with my mother...

[Bumperlicious]

Mum: How are you feeling today?
Me: Fine (am due on Tuesday)
Mum: Ok, I just wanted to see how you are feeling as I'm planning on going to Kingston and didn't want to go to far if you are going to have the baby
Me: Um why? You're not coming straight up when I've had it are you?
Mum: Yes, I was planning to
Me: Well, that might be ok, but can we just go with the flow and see how I feel? Is that ok?
Mum: Umm....
Me: There's no 'um' about it - I might not want you up straight after I've just had the baby.

[Bangs head on keyboard]

So this is another thing I now have to feel guilty about. It's my own fault really. I asked her to be there for DD's birth (she managed to get here with half an hour to spare), but she didn't really add anything, it wasn't a problem though, I just thought it would make me feel more comfortable.

We did have the conversation about what her role would be this time, and as I am having a home water birth I'm hoping the whole thing will be more relaxed etc. She's too far away (2.5 hours) to look after DD, so we talked about it and I assumed she would come up the next day. But no, she wants to come p straight away, and my sister wants to come too.

I'm holding tight with the 'let's wait and see how I feel' line, but honestly, it's just another thing for me to feel guilty about and although she has rung off and sounds fine I know she is upset.

Urghhh, like I don't have enough to worry about!

Don't phone her when you go into labour. Call her the next day and say you had the baby?

She'd never forgive me! I already promised I would let her know. I'm happy to be honest with her and tell her no (or be a wuss and get dh to!). Just cross that these things become about her as usual.

Oh dear. You poor thing. I think it is most important that you do what you need to do to be relaxed and OK during the birth an that if that means that she can't be there, then she can't be there. But I can see that you might not want to upset her. Do you have any objections to her being the absolute first person who comes and sees the new baby? If you could arrange this (and obviously only if you are OK with the idea), and make sure (without it being TOO obvious, otherwise if just looks naff) that she is the first person and that it was important to you that she saw the baby before anyone else, would that make her feel a bit better? I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, but completely understand that you do. Would doing this help you feel any less guilty?

Is she planning to come for an hour or two (in which case you might be so high from the birth you won't mind), or to stay for a couple of days?

Big difference ime (although of course you're perfectly entitled not to want anyone there at all post birth)

She probably won't stay for long, she certainly won't stay over (thank god, she's not the type to announce she is moving in for 6 weeks ). But it's just after hating my first labour so much, I have high hopes for a nice relaxed HWB, where I can just tuck up in bed in peace afterwards. I'm not completely adverse to the idea of her coming up, it's just I have no idea how I am going to feel so I just want to keep my options open.

I know part of it is that she is worried about me, and that is nice, but I just need to do this on my own terms and she isn't always necessary supportive about that. E.g. she hates me bfing and tries to convince me not to do it at every opportunity. She's started again already 'well, maybe you won't breastfeed for as long this time. I'm just thinking about your sanity darling'. And I said about this labour that I would like it not to be a fraught and anxious as last time and she said 'well you have to accept that it probably will be fraught and anxious' . What I need her to say it 'I'm everything will be lovely and relaxed and you will do brilliantly. Just go with the flow and see how you feel, the most important thing is you do what it right for you'. I just need her to be a bit more postive.

Oh how annoying of her! You'll have to stick to your guns, it sounds as if you have been very clear so far. You don't really want to be thinking about anything but you and the birth right now do you.

Ach, what is it with mothers and negativity? I get that a lot with my mum too. I hope I don't get like it with my two.

I know she is just trying to prepare me a bit, and she is good in many ways, I can be honest with her about hating being pg and when I am finding things hard. But sometimes I just need a 'there there it will all be ok'

She is a psychotherapist though, so things are never that simple!

No real advice to add but wanted to sympathise as I have similar mother problems. (It's my first, and I'm on my own).

She didn't even ask if I wanted her at the birth firstly, and has now got her back up that I might want a doula present too - considering my mum asked me yesterday to find out "what comforts, ie armchair or plug for kettle" would be in the delivery room for HER, I think I will need someone around who's a little more focused on the matter in hand!

Also, she just assumed she'd be "on call" and would be driving up (3 hours away) when I said I was going into labour "as it's bound to be long". When I said, what about Xmas and NYE - when I will be 39 weeks and on my own not being able to get out of the bath etc, she said "you could come to us"??!!!

I just don't know what the answer is. Btw, Bumperlicious, mine is a therapist too

I would say it all happened too quickly for you to stop and inform her that you were in labour. It is a possibilty after all.