Upset about decision to have elective c-section

[pinkelephants]

My ds (first baby) was born 3 months ago by elective section. I was born with congenital hip dislocation and have had surgery to correct this and have limited movement in my hip joint however this rarely affects my everyday life - I take painkillers occasionally but thats all. I was told early on in my pregnancy that my condition shouldn't affect delivery. However my hip got quiet stiff at the end of the pregnancy and I ended up seeing a consultant on my due date and was advised to opt for an elective section. She also thought the baby was quite big and this would make delivery more difficult (she was right he was a big baby.) I was given a choice - the consultant said she felt it was very likely I would end up needing a section so she strongly advised an elective but that it was my choice and I could have tried for a natural birth if I had wanted. I hadn't wanted a section - it was not at all the birth I had planned but i decided to take her advice. Although I was sad about it at the time I felt that it was the right decision. Rationally I still feel it was the right decision - he was a big baby, he was back to back and my hip joint was very stiff at the time, as it turned out he had the cord round his neck as well so I know it was very unlikely I could have had a successful natural birth. However I just can't stop feeling very upset about it, I don't feel that I gave birth to him, just that he was delivered. He had mucus on his lungs and needed antibiotics and had to stay in hospital longer and i'm sure the fact that he was born be c-section contributed to this. I know that theses feelings are stupid and irrational but I can't seem to move past them. Most people in real life tell me I am lucky to have had a section and I know in some way they are probably right but I can't help feeling that I failed.

Sorry for the long rambling post.

I am really sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I totally empathise, my emergency section left me with similar feelings, and I too ws told i was lucky to have had a section I also empathise with the feeling of failure and that you have not given birth, i felt my son was surgically removed from me. It is a horrible way to feel, and you are also tinged with guilt and horror for feeling ungrateful your baby is ok

but you need ot be ok too

it is likley that a c.section was the safest thing for you and baby in these circumstances., but it does not help, as that is rational, and what you are feeling is emotional and cannot be rationalised

it will take tiem to process these feelings and work through them

I can recommedn getting in touch with sheila kitzinger's birth crisis and / or the birth trauma association and talking thorugh your feelings with a non judgemental 3rd party

also, when it is your first baby, most women want to go through tlabour, have the experience and feel what it is like.

perhaps there is an element of 'what if i had tried?' and that is making you feel upset?

you will never know, so the best thing is to work thorugh all the feelings you have and help yourself come to terms with this

Are you sure that you may not be suffering a bit from pnd?

I am sure you know this, but you did EVERYTHING that you could possibly do to give your baby a good start in life. You kept him safe for 9 months and when the time came for him to be born, you considered the best and safest way to have him, and followed that through. Every single birth is different whether by c-section or "natural". My first (ds) was born "naturally" but I can assure you that it felt anything but "natural" by the time I had tubes and wires and clips hooked up to me, the baby during my 23 hour "natural" labour. I honestly felt traumatised by it for months and didn't feel ready to contemplate another birth for 2 years. It did not give me a nice, fuzzy sense of female empowerment or maternal pride. It made me exhausted, stressed and I woke up with nightmares about it for months DESPITE loving ds with all my heart.

All I am saying is that we all hope for the "perfect natural birth". In my personal experience and, in talking to other mothers, that experience is for the lucky few.

I have similar feelings about my DS's birth, although it was a forceps delivery at the end of a long labour rather than a c-section. I was completely numb from the epidural so neither felt nor saw him being born, and so I don't really feel like I "gave birth" to him. We also had an extended hospital stay for issues surrounding the birth, and I do feel terrible that DS had such a tough time in his first days and I wasn't able to give him the gentle, untraumatic birth I'd wanted to.

However, as StarlightMcKenzie says, I've tried to hold on to the fact that I made the best decisions I could at the time with the information available to me. My DS was also quite a big baby, and in an awkward position, so it was very unlikely he could have been born with no assistance at all. I still feel upset about it though.

Thanks for all you messages. Lulumaam you are right I definetely wonder what if I has tried but as you say I will never know and I do need to move on from feeling this way. To be honest I think just writing it down helped. Because I know how irrational these feelings are I have been telling myself that I'm ok with it and I think acknowledging that I'm not ok with it is helpful and will possibly help me to move on from it.

I agree that I was lucky to have an elective section rather than an emergency one (that was my main reason for deciding to have the elective as I had been told it was likely I would need a section anyway and I knew an elective was preferable to an emergency.

Bluebutterfly I agree that the "perfect natural birth" seems to be quite rare - the reason some people have said I am lucky is because they experience long and difficult births that i'm sure didn't feel particularly natural to them.

I do feel some guilt that ds had problems after birth although I know that could have happened however he was born.

Thank you again for all your responses it is really helpful to have people listen and not think i'm completly mad!

marking a spot, will post later.

Hi pinkelephants.

I think the advice you've had so far has been great.

I had an elective section for a breech baby who was scanning quite big. He wasn't that big in the end and over time I have begun to look back and wonder if maybe I should have had a go. The "what ifs", the regrets that his mode of birth is affecting how the baby I am carrying now may be born - it starts to niggle away at you, doesn't it?

I really think when someone has an elective section, despite the fact that you logically know it was the right thing, and would probably make the same choice again tomorrow if you had to, there's a feeling that you're somehow not entitled to have regrets. I think the suggestion to contact the birth crisis people is a really good idea. You have every right to feel the way you feel about your son's birth. Talking it through with others, even just to get your feelings outside of you so they're spoken and real (that sounds so corny but I hope you know what I mean), might go a long way towards helping you.

I wouldn't say you were lucky to have a section - lucky to have a wonderful, healthy, happy son, yes. Nobody is lucky to have had surgery, so don't dismiss your feelings. You can't undo a section once it's done, any more than you can undo a vaginal delivery. And like a vaginal birth, a section can have lasting effects on your body and your emotions, so don't ever feel that you don't have the right to feel the way you do.

Over time the birth becomes a smaller issue IME (DS is 3 now), simply because as they get bigger and do more it's a smaller part of their life. But I do think from what you've said that this could eat away at you and you will benefit from actively addressing it now rather than hoping it goes away in the future.

Wishing you best of luck :)