DD 9mo, I still haven't had sex with DH

[herethereandeverywhere]

Title says it all

I have posted some similar stuff on here before so apologies if you've troubled yourself to reply before.

I have a sickening sense of dread even thinking about it. I have no sex drive at all, my poor DH will be finding someone else soon if I don't sort this out. I can't separate my terror of the birth and pain and stress of the weeks following from anything to do with "down there". I'm actually feeling ill just typing this.

When I think I want more children so I'll have to get used to this again, my mind instantly goes to all the horrible birth/recovery stuff and I think no. I'll just be celibate and DD can be an only child. Now I'm crying just typing this.

I've tried to speak to my HV (not in so much detail) but she just said "don't let it put you off" . I really don't feel I can approach either GP at our local practice. Extracting any kind of assistance from them is like pulling teeth.

I resent anyone who had a "normal birth" (whatever that is). I despise all the advice I read on MN about active births and hypnotic CDs and trusting your body. Everyday I look at my DDs permanently scarred face and feel I let her down. I've ruined my relationship with DH and I'll never have the family I want.

I'm 34 and I'm scared that by the time I get over this I'll be too old to have more babies. DH is lovely and doesn't pressurise me but there is a massive rift in our relationship and I don't know what to do. It's all an absolute mess.

I think you need some counselling. If you don't feel you can go to your GP, then search on the internet for someone suitable local to you. It sounds like you have a problem relating to birth trauma rather than sex itself. Our local NHS has a perinatal mental health team, who deal with this kind of thing. The best thing to do would be to see your GP and ask for a referral.

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible, and I do sympathise having been through a rough time myself with DC1. I don't know if you've seen the 'elcs after traumatic birth' thread, but you'll find lots of similar stories and sympathetic voices on there. I've just had my second child by elcs at the age of 35, having thought that I could never bring myself to have another child and it was a very positive experience. There are options out there for you. Hugs.

You could be me. Honestly, at 9 months post birth I was exactly the same. Angry at everybody who had bodies that actually functioned (to give birth and have sex), guilty, traumatised, suffering from flashbacks, desperately terrified that dh would up and leave, frightened dd would never have a sibling, that I'd hate myself forever, that dd would hate me for fucking up the birth.

You need counselling. You do. Have you talked to your dh about how you truly feel? Can he come and help you fight for some help?

It took me a couple of years to confront it and I was effectively forced into it. One of the very, very rare occasions I managed to have sex (dd was 2.5), I got pg. I was an utter, utter mess. I was at the family planning clinic planning a termination and couldn't stop sobbing. I was referred for help on the spot.

It's a slow road but I'm getting there. I can even imagine dd not being an only now. I refer to when I have another, instead of refusing to even talk about birth/pregnancy/babies.

Please do it sooner rather than later. There is help out there.

I know (and I suspect that rationally you also know it) that the birth was what it was. I didn't cause it or do something wrong. But I realised that I could control the quality of life I gave my dd. Having a mother that was so full of anger and sadness was me letting her down. I could and do now do better.

You must take that first step. There is help out there and you deserve it.

LITR, I probably am who you think I am. It's actually only because of people like you that I managed to sort myself out.

OP, I know it seems like it will never be any different to how it is now but it can and will be.

My DH never once complained or asked or criticised. He waited and was open, affectionate, supportive and understanding. He went nowhere and if anything, we are probably closer. It was hard to be honest with him and I was ashamed in a way but he never once heard criticism in what I was saying.

Have you looked at any of the birth trauma websites?

you don't have to go into details with your GP. Just be firm, you're terrified of sex after having a baby and ask to be referred on for appropriate counseling.

Your nearest sexual health centre will be able to offer counseling; or maybe there is a similar, post-natal specific, counseling service within your hospital's gynaecology dept.

FWIW, my sex drive plummeted during pregnancy and for about a year after both my DSs were born.

I think BFing during the night had something to do with it? When I stopped BFing at night, my periods resumed and so did my sex drive.

Sex is never the same when you do have a young family though - you're always knackered; so don't expect to be banging away like you used to

Thank you everyone, esp. for sharing difficult memories.

I have looked briefly at a website linked from mn (can't remember the name) but I just read stories that were more traumatic than mine. I know there are phone numbers on there but in the same way that I haven't spoken to my GP, I haven't called a number, I just don't know how to put it in words (I know that sounds silly as I've just typed a load of it!) I don't know what I should be asking for or explaining if that makes sense? I just don't think I can sit in front of my GP and say any of this - where do I start? Also a lot of what makes me stressed are the flashbacks of the weeks after the birth (DD not feeding, no midwife visits, horrendous epis. pain, not having feeling for DD, family being useless help) and that's not really birth trauma is it? My birth was bad (induced/DD was OP/bad reaction to drugs/hyperstimulation/taciacardia/Keillands forceps/DD bruised and cut) but TBH the following fortnight was FAR worse.

My DH is very good and understanding. There is no pressure to do anything sex wise but I feel so guilty that he's being so good and I'm not feeling any better or any more up to being intimate. I guess I'm saying I'd deserve it if he looked elsewhere although I'm sure he wouldn't.

I'm starting to type like I think - the whole thing just goes round and round and never goes anywhere

I think a lot of people who had traumatic labours/deliveries found the weeks afterwards the worst. When I think back to it, it's always the days and weeks following the delivery. The pain of breastfeeding and dd not latching, the ugly epis wound, the huge gash across my belly where they'd finally yanked her out because I couldn't manage it, the horrendous postnatal care, the behaviour of other people, the horrid, suffocating, all-consuming feeling that I was trapped and failing miserably. I knew that I could cope with pregnancy again, could even choose an elcs next time but those first weeks, well months tbh, were the darkest days of my life. It is only through seeing somebody that I realise those days were the way they were because of what happened in the hospital.

And there's not a reason in this world why your GP shouldn't be able to read a written note of what's wrong. You don't need to say a word. You go in, take dh with you and you hand over the note. A lot of people do this you know. I didn't realise until a GP friend confirmed it.

Poor you, you must definitely try and speak to someone!! Have you tried contacting Birth Crisis or similar?

I would like to say that you must not blame yourself for what has happened!!! You have not let your DD down!! Please don't think that. Please, please post here and speak to people who have been through similar to help you find a way through.

Just wanted to say that I agree about the weeks following the birth being the worst part. And it's not surprising. You're shattered and traumatised from the birth, and completely unequipped to cope with the demands of a new baby which leads to circular feelings of guilt and self-loathing. I also took months to bond with my son, and felt trapped and terrified. I probably didn't truly come out of it until around a year afterwards, at which point I fell head over heels in love with my little boy. It's often true that time is a great healer, and you really shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. I couldn't seek help either, but things did right themselves in the end, and the arrival of my second child has been a great healer.

I am being treated for post traumatic stress disorder. My situation is very different to yours (I lost one of my twins ) but the symptoms are very similar - flashbacks etc, inability for time to help. I am having psycotherapy for this. It took me a long time to ask for help and even longer for it to be offered to me, but I think you need to ask your GP. Or a different GP. Take a friend who knows the situation if it helps, or your DH. It will get better, but you need help.

Oh Loopy how awful . Losing a child is every parents worst nightmare. I hope you feel like your therapy is beginning to help you.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I know I'm going to put this off for a while again....I think I'll try to speak to DH. I also think writing down everything from the whole sorry saga will help too. I'll try and ask my GP for help per Highlander's suggestion but will have the written thing to hand over which will prove I'm losing my mind(!) if nothing else.

Also re: breastfeeding. I had hoped that giving up and getting my periods back was going to be the key to all of this. But I did my last bf over 3 months ago and have had 2 periods since. I've regained my greasy hair and awful blocked pores but no sex drive . I can't even use DD as an excuse. She's an excellent sleeper. Apart from about the first 3 weeks and about 4 weeks before I weaned her she's always slept at least through the night whilst we were asleep and has done 12 hours from 5 months so I've never been sleep deprived. My angel baby has been the one consolation of the whole awful experience.

If you don't feel like asking your GP (I often feel like keeping things a bit more private and being in control) you could find a private counsellor. And if you feel like you can't talk, I'm sure you could start with writing stuff down and them giving you some helpful things to read including how to break out of the flashback cycle. You mention that "lots of the stories you have read are much worse than yours". That may be true but that should not diminish the real pain that you are in. And for you, your experiences are the worst you have ever experienced and are hell for you right now.

Also, I'm quite sure the process (birth and early weeks) was difficult and stressful for your DH so he will understand!!