How could I cope with childbirth if...?

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I am not pregnant yet - but I really hope that in the next year it will be possible for me to get pregnant and hopefully be a mummy.

Thing is I am totally terrified of smear tests and the thought of forceps, being prodded, instruments being forced inside me are absolutely horrific. Last smear test I had, I ended up crying during the test and the doctor demanded to know if I had been sexually abused during childhood - defo no, but felt soooo embarassed to be asked.

The thought of the actual labour, I think I can cope with - but the idea of being forced to lie on my back with feet and legs strapped in stirrups with a midwife screaming at me to PUSH - make me feel awful - so much respect for you ladies who have done it. The thought of sweeps, internal exams, forceps being forced into me and being ripped by baby and stitched (some people have told me how they were repaired WITHOUT any pain relief) make me feel weak.

Oh my goodness, I am 30 years old, you would think I would just get on with it - but totally terrified. No-one I know in real life would understand my fears - noone I can talk to. Everyone I know who has been pregnant have had horrific pregnancies, sickness, MC's, postnatal depression, etc - so can't really talk to anyone.

Told DH that perhaps we should just adopt, but he feels it would be totally wrong reason - would it?

Confused and worried

And I feel time is running out

well, the good news is that NONE of those things necessarily have to happen

you can refuse internal exams, you can refuse a sweep, there is no reason to believe you will need forceps, you def don't have to lie on your back and use stirrups!

i had a fair bit of intervention with my first, but my second 2 i had NO internals and was free to labour how i wanted, where i wanted and it was all really lovely.

of course you may find yourself in a situation where ventouse/forceps/examinations ARE necessary, but tbh at that time the thing you are concerned most about is getting your baby out safely....

am sure there are other people on here who have had similar worries.. maybe some of thekm will be along to reassure you in a bit?

i think the thing to remmeber is that a LOT of people like to talk about their bad experiences. not so many talk about their striahgtforward births!

Have you thought about going for hypnotherapy? I would think it's worth a try.

Absolutely not daft worries - there are threads like this regularly on here. Childbirth really is a big deal but certainly most of the time doesn't involve lots of intrusive stuff if you don't want it to. I would strongly suggest counselling with someone who knows about tokophobia (fear of childbirth) - there will be advice on here from people who know more about this.

I had the most straightforward birth you can imagine and if you'd been in the room you wouldn't have noticed much was going on - no lying on my back at any point, I was mostly nose to nose with my dh, and the midwife didn't shout, in fact I wish she'd said more. Childbirth can look remarkably undramatic quite a lot of the time. I really hope all goes well for you.

agree with thisis - people only give you their bad stories. I was so sick of being pregnant (9 months really drags!)that I would have split in two get dd out - however that was not required!

Midwives were not shouty, they were lovely and reassuring, so were the Drs.

The trick is, to get pregnant first, then worry about it.

When you are pregnant, first thing to do is book in for some v good antenatal classes and think about pain relief options. Being a total wuss, I went the epidural route. Which meant I didn't feel it when cutting and stitching was done. From what i've heard from others, this is a good thing.

And you will discover, that if you have a straightforward and sickness free pregnancy followed by an uneventful and relatively pleasant delivery, it will almost feel like bragging so you'll be reluctant to talk about it, leaving other pre-baby woman only hearing from those with horror stories.

Gosh I felt exactly the same way. I was ok with the thought of labour but terried of people poking around my bits. I too hated smear tests (and still don't like them but since having DD does not really bother me).

I didn't have an internal exam until my waters broke early at 35 weeks. At that point I was more bothered about baby being ok to worry about the exam. Having DH there really really helped. Especially when he was laughing at my pathetic attempts to cough. Also, by that time I was so fed up with being pregnant that I was not at all scared of childbirth, I just wanted the baby out!! (though not quite as early as she was......)

Every pregnancy and labour is different, some good stories, some bad stories, but you will cope with whatever happens. I know its a cliche but it really is worth it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I posted a very similar question a few months ago - everyone said don't worry - when it comes down to it you won't care...

...I didn't believe them...

...but they were right.

FWIW I refused all offers of sweeps, refused an exam when I went in after my waters broke, eventually accepted one internal a few hours later as I couldn't be bothered arguing the point and they weren't going to be let e use the pool without knowing how dilated I was - I toked lots of gas and air and was fine.

re being stitched up - I was pretty bad and they wanted to take me to theatre and do a spinal block - I refused that too and was stitched up on gas and air and local anaesthetic and honestly I didn't care.

Gas and air is great stuff

P.S as my labour was so fast (not at all what I expected for a 1st baby) I actually had no pain relief whatsoever. DD was also back to back. If someone had told me that earlier in pregnancy I would have been terrified. I won't lie it was incredibly painful but as soon as DD popped out (or was fired out as DH tells everyone ) the pain went and I got up and walked around as if nothing had happened. It was all very cave-woman like. I was amazed that my body managed to do that.

You could always have a c section instead if you don't want to have a VB.

One word for you - HypnoBirthing. Google it and do a search on here for mumsnet users' experiences. I did the course and found it really helpful. I can honestly say I didn't find contractions to be terrible agony or anything close to it. I was 9cm dilated on admission to hospital and felt quite calm and just had a bit of gas & air.

Unfortunately due to complication I ended up with a crash c-section and so didn't go through stage 2 of labour and can't comment on what that would have been like, but do a bit of reading about other mums' experiences of breathing the baby out using HypnoBirthing methods and see what you think.

OP - you should not be forced to lie on your back. In fact during my antenatal class the midwife specifically said 'whatever you do, don't lie on your back. Walk, sit, kneel,squat use whatever position you like but don't lie on your back'
I did have my legs in stirrups when they stitched me back up, but not at all during labour. They used a local anaesthetic for this.
The midwives never shouted at me to push, although they did get rather stern and prised the gas & air mouthpiece out of my hands
TBH for most of my labour I was sitting cross legged off my face on g&a. It was quite uneventful really until the very end. And strangely - I kind of enjoyed the experience. I know it sounds strange but it is true. i said afterwards that it would be pregnancy, not labour, that would put me off having another one. And DS was 9lb 8oz, so not exactly tiny either

You'll only have to lie on your back with your legs up if you need interventions for the sake of your baby and your safety. And at that point, you'll probably be far more concerned about everything going okay. Forcep births are not the norm in the UK.

I'm hoping for a home water birth and am thinking of starting doing natal hypnotherapy too. If it happens then I'll be giving birth squatting or kneeling in a pool with no-one able to even see me down there without a mirror!

Perhaps counselling can help? It does seem like this is a very big issue for you, and it shouldn't have to be.

FWIW no-one likes smears. I just grit my teeth and stare at the ceiling!

I think that you should seriously look at homebirth using an independent Midwife, OP. It may not be able to happen for medical reasons, but it would be a way for you take more control of how the birth happens, even if the independent MW just turns into a Doula who accompanies you to hospital.

I know several women who had successful homebirths for their first child.

Poor you - it doesn't have to be that way AT ALL> I think you should look into an independent midwife or a Doula or homebirth?
Totally your right to refuse anything and take control of your birth!

hugs

I echo everything said on here and have worked with many women who have said exactly the same as you but went on to have truly amazing, life changing, natural births.

Second the suggestions of HypnoBirthing, doulas, independent midwives and homebirth - it really can be different and a beautiful experience! I'd actually suggest contacting a few IMs/Doulas/hypnoBirthing teachers before getting pregnant.

I think read some hypnobirthing books now, and also maybe something like Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (a lot of people find this book inspiring, though she does seem rather VE-happy in the birth stories to me). Hopefully this'll make you feel more confident and prepared about birth in general...

Then check out homebirth, see the homebirth reference site.

Then get pregnant and go on a hypnobirthing course.

Homebirth is a great option if you are predicted to have a low-risk birth (which you can encourage with healthy eating/living etc etc ).
The advantages of homebirth for you would be that you can virtually guaratee use of a birthpool if you choose to get one, and being in a birthpool automatically gives you your own private space. Homebirth midwives are (probably) more likely to be sympathetic to not wanting VEs or other messing with. You are much, much less likely to end up having forceps or ventouse if you book a homebirth.

I dismissed the idea of homebirth for myself the first time round because I thought the birth would pan out more-or-less the same wherever I was, and at least in hospital I would have the option of more pain-relief and instant help in the event of a problem.
I completely failed to realise the extent to which going to hospital and being in hospital would affect the length, pain and difficulty of the birth. Please learn from my mistake

Do you have Sky TV? There are a couple of channels on there that show programmes with lots of different, but usually straighforward, births. I watched a lot of them before I had DS and they really helped me get to grips with the idea of birth.

I cried at my first smear test too.
I echo what everyone else has said above. It is so worth it in the end that you don't care about anything!
Did you see "one born every minute" ? I think it's still on Channel 4 OD. You just have to remember that everyone is different.
Good luck!

Gave birth 3 wks ago.

Like someone else said, its the pregnancy that would put me off having another, not the birth.

The MW's did everything they could to protect my dignity. Particularly when I was saying I didn't care and was trying to walk down a corridor near naked.

Only put legs in stirrups for being stitched up, (which I was given local anestetic for and only hurt when I got cramp in my hip!!!)

I think the thing is, smears are done TO you, whereas birth you do yourself with help from others so doesn't feel so intrusive.

Everyone is right, when it comes down to it you will just be thinking of getting your baby out safely. No one poked or prodded me without asking, and they only did it a couple of times. I laboured lying on my side with my legs closed until the last minute, then the MW had to hold one leg up for me because I was so tired

As for the stitches (if you end up having any), gas and air is your friend. I was so off my face I asked the registrar to make sure she did a good job so I could have another baby it was no more painful than going to the dentist and by that point you will be so wrapped up in your new baby that I bet you would hardly notice

You sound exactly like me.

People might say "they can only do what you consent to" but in practice, during labour you are in no fit state to be arguing with hcps.

Have a homebirth with a IMW you trust.

Oh gosh, I was just like you. I remember as a teenager saying I wanted to have children, I just didn't want to give birth to them.

When I became pregnant I was so stressed about the birth until I discovered HypnoBirthing. It allowed me to relax towards the birth. The birth involved some special circumstances but HypnoBirthing allowed me to take it inmy stride and recover really quickly.

I should admit I am now a HypnoBirthing Practioner so those classes changed my life!!