Trichotilimania - hair pulling DD

[ShineyHappyPeeple]

My lovely 13 year old DD has just pulled out a significant amount of hair and I don’t know where to turn for help. It started at the beginning of the school year, which was a terrible time for her. Lots of friendship drama which she hugely struggled with.

it has been escalating since and yesterday she showed me a huge amount of hair and asked for help. She has sores on her head and huge gaps which are getting harder to cover. The hair is also regrowing in places but is obviously very short and unruly.

We’ve tried fidget rings and other distractions but they clearly aren’t working. She is otherwise in good spirits - has overcome the friendship challenges, is doing well at school otherwise.

Does anyone have any experience or any idea of what might work to help her?

My ds had it as a toddler and I remember being on lots of support forums for it. I think the main advice for older children was to wear gloves whenever possible for a few weeks to break the cycle. Keep hair up and out of the way. And also provide an alternative like a wrist band to ping.

Thank you - we’ve tried all of that. She still finds a way to get to it.

I had this for a few weeks/months during a stressful period. Personally, Getting rid of the sores and scabs was a priority as I found I would absently pick at those on my scalp as they had itchy or sharp edges to dig my nails into. I used a scalp oil and whenever I wanted to pick or they were dry I rubbed the oil on them instead. Once they healed that was a big part of the compulsion taken away.

Thank you - that’s a really good point that i hadn’t thought of. I’m off to the GP to see if I can get a referral for some CBT. I’ll suggest the oil in the meantime.

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this.
I started at a similar age, and I'm now in my 40s and still haven't found a way to stop.
Some people do, but it is very hard since it is a compulsion that I feel I have no control over.
I'm not sure if this will help, but here are some of my experiences:

I hate being told to stop. It makes me want to do it more.
It is exhausting! It is a constant battle in my head trying to stop but also wanting to pull so much. I don't think I can convey just how exhausting this is in words.
My parents were supportive, but I don't think anything they did would have helped me to stop. I've tried everything.
GPs are useless. But perhaps try self-refering for talking therapies? They helped me come to terms with it in some ways.

I wore my hair tied up for the vast majority of my life to cover patches.
I have tried mesh integration systems (costly and painful, not worth it!).
I have had CBT, hypnotherapy, medication, etc.

For the past 5 years I have shaved my hair and wear wigs. This was the best thing I have done. It was freeing! I don't have the constant battle in my head as I can't pull any more, as there is nothing to pull.
I never learnt to style hair as from a young age always wore it tied up. Wigs have given me the opportunity to have a style right out the box without me having to do anything.

Just be there to hug and support your daughter. Offer whatever support she wants. But let her know it isn't her fault. It is something in her genes that means she has this compulsion and you understand that she isn't going to always be able to ignore it.

I really hope she is one of the lucky ones to overcome it.

Keep your Hair on

highly recommend this book -

it’s the very latest info about trichotillomania from a neuroscientist with the condition herself

I started with this at puberty. I am absolutely convinced it is related to hormones. I think in your daughters case the timing of the issues at school were coincidental though may have exacerbated the hair pilling. I think the GP is a starting point if simply to get your daughter on their radar but I wouldn't expect your GP to be able to help very much except for a referral. Your daughter needs specialist help. I found that there was nothing specific thst would stop me from pulling though I pulled less if I was less anxious so treating any anxiety might be an easier route to take. I am really sorry I cannot offer any more advice, however on a positive note I do think it is much more widely acknowledged now and there is maybe more specialist help available.
Also, I have to say to any older sufferers, that post menopause I have almost completely stopped pulling. Other than my hormone levels changing nothing else has.

I've had this since I was 11. I'm 44 now, still do it very occasionally. Antidepressants help me a lot but I don't know if that would be any use for a 13 year old.
Having very clean hair helps because it's harder to get hold of.
When I was in my late teens I kept my hair short so it couldn't be hidden if I pulled it out and that was helpful as well.
I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful!

I've had this before.
I think it's like nail biting or thumb sucking or smoking . You have to find a way to prevent easy access, so you can halt the absent-minded reaching for it. You also need something to replace it with that soothes or gives sensory feedback.

You also need to tackle what it is she is needing to self soothe from to this extent.

Some suggestions of things that I found helped me break the habit were :

Not having my hair down. I'd either tie it back if it's long enough or wear a scarf or hat over it as much as possible.

Wear fidget ring or fidget bracelet.
Have other sensory toys to hand.

Wear textured nail polish.

I found this rough sandy feeling nail polish that I would rub to provide similar sensory thing that I was getting when I was touching my hair and feeling strands for 'defects' to pull out.

It's a form of OCD so it is about breaking a compulsion and being able to sit with the feeling of wanting to do it until it passes.

Since she is the one that's come to you for help, then that's good, because she has to want to stop doing it.

It can feel really shameful, and often the shame makes the anxiety worse which then makes the compulsion worse, so avoid putting extra pressure to stop. Focus on it being you supporting her to stop it, but don't be disappointed if this takes a long time

This is all really helpful advice, thank you so much for all taking the time to write such thoughtful responses. The GP was very reassuring and wrote the referral. I’ve sent out some enquiries to local specialists.

I’m hoping the CBT works. We’ve tried fidget rings and stress toys. She seems to be doing it absent mindedly when alone in her room so we’re trying to find other things for her to do with her hands - colouring in, etc.

I can’t ignore this. My now 16 year old dd has this and it started in year 7. Her hair had to come off start of year 8 and my hairdresser friend cropped it very sensitively. This stopped it for ages maybe a year but then the pulling started again though it’s never been quite as bad. We have been through some grim cycles. She tries to hide it and lies but I dye her hair so I always find out. Not surprisingly she had a relapse after her mocks and I get it but I can’t bare the thought of her going to uni like this. I did lots of reading on Reddit mostly and this is the best we have done wit it in years. I had some quite stern words with her that she wasn’t going to her prom bald and that her exams would be very stessful and she had to get a handle on this. We have taped her fingers intermittently with Elastoplast. Told her the tape would now be on every day until exams were over (this was back in feb) and this wasn’t negotiable. I bought her this supplement as I read about it on Reddit and anything is width trying
https://amzn.eu/d/0bALnIkj
.
pulling has stopped and we are 50% through her GCSE’s and no relapse.

I can tell you if my parents had done this to me, I would be NC with them now as an adult.

My mother did pretty much this. 30+ years later I can't have her anywhere near my head or hair and I can't stand her even looking at me for too long.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am so conscious of this and the absolute last thing I want to do is give her a complex about her hair.

Although I am keen to help her, I don’t think this is a “tough love” kind of scenario.

Wtf. You are being abusive to her

Op I have done this since I was 8 and I'm 40 this year. There is no cure. Maybe some good willpower.
Sometimes it can be just a phase but not on my experience :(

I have wondered about shaving my head.

I think avoiding the situations an positions you do it in can help. Like sitting in a certain chair. It's certainly stress causing it. F

I did this for years and occasionally have the compulsion to do it. What has helped me control it is to recognise the source of the compulsion, which is, for me, a sense of anxiety in my chest and stomach. I’ve learned, through meditation, how to use breath to relieve the stress. If your daughter learns breathing techniques through yoga and meditation, and is helped to recognise when she feels anxious, she could learn to help herself.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummyand @NailsForChristmas I don’t explain things very well. Reading my post back it sounds like I forced all that which sounds really harsh I accept. It wasnt like that but I do sound a bit crazed. Trich is god awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
dd needs to be occupied as much as possible and any kind of rotting (sleeping in half the day and mooching around doing nothing with no routine) is a very big trigger. Dd will say scrolling on TikTok is also a trigger and she ditched sm a while back.

How to shame a child for behaviour they struggle to control ….

bet she has replaced hair pulling with another type of body focused repetitive behaviour .. or worse -
poor kid