12 year old wants to be a boy

[Slowlygoinginsane24]

My daughter told me 2 days ago she wants to be a boy she's 12.

A year ago she was gender fluid, a year before that a lesbian - someone at school had a girl friend, and not long before that she genuinely wanted to be a cat because her friend then wanted to be a cat aswell. She made masks, asked for tails the lot.
Apparently she has wanted to be a boy for a while, her best friend at school identifies as a boy. I have read that lots of children neuro diverse experience gender dysphoria and feel this is what is happening to her, she is also heavily influenced by things she sees online I have now set up age 9 restrictions for her and removed all of social media. I honestly do not know where to turn as I don't want to be seen as transphobic but I just don't get it, she has flitted between being a girly girl and a bit tom boy for her whole life. She loves makeup and eyelashes and nail. It doesn't make sense other than she started puberty at 9 when all the oddities about identity began and secondary school has surrounded her with influences she hasn't been around before.

I'm even thinking of moving her schools, she hates at that school anyway 🙈 in November she was self harming and is now recieving counselling for this.
How do I not be dismissive of how she feels at the moment but also not support it with it causing her to start hurting herself again!

ive just been through the self harming thing with my daughter and I know how shocking it can be and distressing.. so I just wanted to share and support you in that.

Can you go with it? It sounds like you’ve been pretty open and respectful to her changing focuses so far, is this phase any different? If people in her school are leading and goading her in these various directions I’d probably seriously consider the school move but between you and her, I’d also show a position of ok, you can mould your life whatever way feels right and I love you exactly for who you are and will be here for you. Without trying to debate it with her. She’s obviously looking for something and gets fixated on being something different externally. She is who she is and that person is complex and seeking something you can’t solve for her. But you can be there by her side as she finds her place in the world.

Move her.

My dd said she was trans at school.. there were so many (all ASD girls) they started a club would have been a lovely social club except staff got super involved pushing the "T" with poster up everywhere about how proud they should be etc . More girls joined ... anyone leaving was ostracized self harm ran rampant what's up groups talking groups mentoring ...
Obviously parents were not advised any off this was happening.

By the time we found out -, school referred to her as a boys name in a sen meeting??? It was to late the school had dug in their position and refused any help with moving her school place she had an echp so it was much harder to move her especially as the school insisted they could meet all her needs

She was ostracized by all her peers had no friends and no support and left unable to sit most of her exams despite predicted high grades . It's been years trying to get her back on course and we still have a way to go..
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Move her now

I went through all that myself when I was younger - not fun for me or my parents. But most people I know who had similar gender/MH issues came out the other side as normal functional adults, so keep that as some optimism.

For me, the key things that did (or would have in some cases) helped me, and might help your daughter are:

1, Remove from the context.
I think you know this from your post, but all of this is (despite what people say) highly socially contagious, especially for young teens who are so strongly influenced by their peers. Remove her as much as possible form online communities and yes changing schools, places, even trying to have some long trips, anything to get her in a new environment. with new influences. For me, one of the best places was when I was away at more rural or older/traditional places (countryside, grandparents etc.) because they were so disconnected from the mess of teenage emotions and pressures.

2, Don't let her do anything permanent.
I consider myself very lucky that on the gender front, I stopped before I caused permanent damage. I have a child now, another year or two down the road through the gender pipe-line he wouldn't exist, because I would likely be infertile. Given the chance that this is a phase or she will change her mind, absolutely and 100% push back against anything that makes it more lasting.

It is hard to do this, because teens live in the moment. As an adult I know logically they should understand that self-harm might stay with them forever, and one day they will be explaining it to their kids... but that means nothing to a teen who is only thinking about now.

3, Give her complete freedom to express herself in safe and reality-driven ways. Without judgement, comments or teasing. If she wants short hair, to go to the gym, or do any "boys" things, no problem. If she never wears a dress, fine.. if she wants to date girls, fine, be the "man" of the house (whatever that means to her) fine... etc. She can be whatever she wants to be, but within the boundaries of reality (she is a girl, she is human) and without causing lasting damage (self-harm, surgery, hormones etc.).

This only works though if she doesn't get judged. if people in her family are saying "yeah, you do whatever you want" but then she hears laughter, sees people sniggering and laughing to themselves, or overhears comments etc .it won't work.

Aside from that

4, Listen to her a lot - let her talk it through with you, and resist objecting or interrupting, when you hear silly things (unless it is dangerous to her). Of course it is silly, she is a young teenager. Better she feels comfortable talking to you about it than others. Also that will help you find solutions for her.

No don’t affirm, that will end up doing more harm than good.
A simple “you can’t be a boy, you’re a girl” is enough for now, keep it simple. While also keep pointing out that girls can do/like/wear whatever they like and there are many different ways to be a girl. Saying this is not transphobia it’s reality.

The internet access restriction is very important,
stay strong on that.

The important thing here is addressing the self harm. I think you’re right to consider moving schools, it won’t be a magic wand but it could help her have a fresh start and get away from these “friends” who seem like a bad influence

Sorry to read this. It's good you've put restrictions on her internet use, hopefully that wasn't too late.

Please don't be bothered about being seen to be 'transphobic'. She isn't a boy just as she wasn't a cat. The whole transphobia thing is purely used to control people who might have some power like you so you don't intervene until it's too late

My daughter went through this phase after the Covid lockdowns and honestly one of the things I most regret as a parent is going along with it. Please don’t. As the Cass Review says, social transition is not harmless.

Make it clear to your daughter how much you love her and also explain that it is physically impossible to change sex. These children really do believe there’s a magic button they can press then they will turn into a boy. Instead it’s medication that results in incontinence, vaginal atrophy, osteoporosis, swollen larynx and many other issues.

The good news is- almost everyone grows out of this. There’s a whole host of previous studies supported by a recent one from Finland of every single child seen by their gender clinics so watchful waiting is by far the best technique.

What to do? The best advice is to reinforce your relationship with her. Go out and do things together - physical and sporty if you can but anything is good. Talk about loads of stuff that is nothing to do with gender. Help her to develop hobbies.

And you will get a lot of activists on here who will push you towards the medical route. Please safeguard your daughter. She is much too young to make those sort of decisions. Help her to grow up happy and healthy (and it is absolutely fine to be a lesbian, she doesn’t need to be medically sterilised for being homosexual).

Name changed but have posted about this here under another name.

Please fight this, please do not affirm this.

My 13yo daughter told me she was non binary and then that she wanted to be a boy. She had been using male pronouns at school and a male name without my knowledge.

I found out she was extensively selfharming when I cleaned her room and found a drawer full of blood and bandages.

During this period she was diagnosed autistic and disclosed CSA :(

I fought the fuck out of this ideology.

I banned the school from using male pronouns and the male name. I wrote letters citing the Cass report and various other findings.

More importantly I sat my daughter down and I talked to here. Repeatedly. Consistently. Calmly.

I told her that she can have short hair and still be a woman. She can be strong and be a woman. She can find women attractive and be a woman. She can have a more masculine look and be a woman. I showed her 'top surgery' scars. I showed her the arms of women that have had phalloplasty. I explained that as a 'transman' she would spend her life pretending to be something she isn't, always trying to convince people, always teying to convince herself.

Or she could learn to love being the beautiful young woman she is.

I got her sexual trauma counselling. She did art therapy. She did more general talking therapy.

This spanned years of her life.
By the time she hit 15 she was back to herself. She is 17 now and has long bleach blond hair down her back and wears jeans that remind me of Christina Aguillera BUT I am so happy that I am now having normal teenage battles of what is appropriate to wear to college rather than having affirmed her.l and be dealing with double mastectomy scars and mustaches.

I truelly believe that if I would have believed the hype and listened to the school and the trans movement and 'supported her' she would have gone much, much further before realising her mistake.

These children are so young, they are vunerable.
Parenting is not always about giving a child what they want but looking at the bigger picture. Safeguarding them and helping them with what they need.

I watched a lot of my DDs peers go through this as it was rampant in her primary school. A few years later, there is a mix from completely dropped it and a normal life, one on medication they got on before the ban who is falling behind developmentally now, two are full on school refusers with a host of other MH problems and for some it's only gradually becoming less an important part of their life.

In your situation, there is clearly a lot going on and I think fighting it strongly would be a mistake, it would feel like she wasn't being heard. Instead, I would take the approach that it "isn't for now," if that makes sense. Tell her she has a lot to deal with and lets focus on getting her better first, there's no rush to change anything else, let her dress how she wants but don't call it "boys clothes," just use phrases like "clothes you are comfortable in." Essentially take the heat out of it. Imagine she was already stressing about her A-levels or future career, how you would approach it and take that tone. No twelve year old is expected to know everything, so take the pressure off.

In the background, try to nurture healthy friendships, hobbies and good role models. Encourage and re-direct her focus to smaller, age appropriate, achievable tasks like a test she has next week or planning a party or weekend away.

Good luck, it's great she has you looking out for her and able to see the bigger picture, you are not transphobic to recognise this is distress rather than an identity anymore than you weren't cat-phobic to not think she was really a cat.

Change schools, remove her phone, give her boundaries and say she can decide when she’s 18.

Thankyou for this, she had all her hair cut off a few years ago to donate it and she looked amazing, she's grown it out again now. But I wouldn't mind if she wanted to do it again, she is very expressive in how she dresses and it has always been about what she is comfortable in rather than what I think she should wear (obviously unless it is completely inappropriate)

There are parts of the family on her dad's side that (who I am not with) who are very judgemental about things and overly concerned about looks and how other people view them and her. There were nasty comments made by them when she had her hair cut last time. But she doesn't see them very often anymore so I'm not too concerned about them sticking their nose in

It often starts with the Therian phase, seems a pathway into becoming non binary / gender fluid / trans. It’s the same with a lot of the teens who get into certain genres of anime, they’ve become these modern subcultures that can be so harmful to teens.

I think the issue with the Therian thing now is that through games like Warrior Cats on Roblox it’s attracting younger and younger girls, 10 year olds rather than say 13 like a few years back when my dd was into it. Parents see their daughter with their creative masks and tails pretending to be an animal, it all seems innocent enough and like imaginative play at that age. What it often leads to is not unfortunately. Also, why is it always girls and not boys?

Keep her away from this community online, take social media away, not just the apps, YouTube is full of it too. The Therian craze may start off innocent enough but it leads to people and ideas that are often very harmful. Watch out for the anime community in a couple of years too, I’ve seen the same obsession there with gender identity and things like self harm. At 12 I’d be monitoring her online activity and messages, I know she’ll hate it and push back but I wish it’s what I’d done.

Getting her away from the influence of real life friends is going to be harder, I’m not sure how you can do this without moving schools tbh. Then what if a similar thing happens with people she’s drawn to or makes friends with at a new school? I’d speak to a therapist for guidance. Sometimes we can’t go over something and have to go through it, unfortunately there’s likely to be another harmful trend / online community that starts with an interest in the future. The Therian then gender fluid then trans trend has become more mainstream now than it was a few years ago when my dd was into it, so I imagine harder to keep her away from “irl” now.