Child with autism and ADHD struggling with anxiety about death

[Mrswongawonga]

Dd13 has autism and ADHD. She’s been getting really stressed and anxious and worried about death/dying. Shes been asking if there’s life after death and of course we don’t think there is but this has upset her a lot. Now the rhetoric has changed to is is better to get it over with so I know one way or another. There’s been no attempts of suicide but she’s starting to worry us big time. she started therapy a little while ago but it sure if it’s helping.
weve called CAHMS who will assess whether anti anxiety or antidepressant will help. Of course they don’t work at speed. Is there any come back from this? Any experience out there? She’s feeling really bad most of the time and I’m worried we’re on a downward spiral.

of course we don’t think there is but this has upset her a lot don't push your beliefs onto others. Nothing after death is quite a thing to process.

Answer with something like 'no one knows, and uncertainty is hard. But every human deals with this uncertainty in their own way. Some believe in life after death in a literal sense, some believe we live on in the love others feel about us, some don't believe in anything. I have no more clue than you - but I do believe my existence touches people and has real value and meaning. I'm always happy to hear your thoughts and worried about this. Dealing with the complexity of life and death is a universal human experience - and you don't have to think the same as me '

Basically she's looking for hope. It's ok to allow her to hope. 'Rationality' has it's limits as a coping strategy.

That’s really worrying, and you’re right to take it seriously. The “maybe I should find out” line is a red flag, even if she hasn’t acted on anything.
With autism + ADHD, kids can get stuck in big, scary thoughts and loops. Try not to debate death, keep things simple, reassure her she’s safe, and gently redirect to the present.

Yesterday she was talking about not being sure about this living thing. The night before she was hyper and laughing and chatting with her sister. We’re not quite sure what to do and I feel there is
little help. She is seeing her therapist but this talk has ramped up since then even though she was desperate to talk to someone. We were referred to a charity but they’re trying to fob us off going to school who haven’t responded to a letter said by CAHMS on the suggestions they gave them and apparently school can arrange counselling etc. we had a friend who’s daughter was ill for a good couple of years and was institutionalised but eventually took her own life. I hope we don’t get to that point!

That sounds really scary, especially with how up and down she’s been. You’re right to take it seriously, don’t wait for school or the charity, push CAMHS or your GP for urgent support. In the meantime, keep talking to her calmly and checking in so she doesn’t feel alone.