14 year old struggling with dad's illness

[DottyShoes28]

My husband has a muscle wasting illness that has no cure, it just progressively gets worse. It's very obvious now that he is a lot worse, he is having frequent falls etc. Its very upsetting for all of us. Our youngest daughter (ADHD and not medicated) has started being obsessed with me leaving her dad for someone fit and healthy. This is absolutely not going to happen as I have been with him 26 years, married for 21. I love him and I chose to marry him even after his diagnosis. In all the years we have been together I have never cheated or been interested in other men!

As he has got worse, her obsession over other men has got out of control. She is constantly asking me if I find other men attractive, watching my every move in public to make sure I am not looking at anyone else and even turns the TV off if she sees someone she thinks I will find "fit."
It doesn't matter what I say to reassure her that I love her dad she can't take it in. She keeps bringing up his family members who couldn't handle his illness and never bothered with him. Saying that I am not blood related to him and if his own relatives walked away what's stopping me.

I know at 14 it must be upsetting seeing your dad ill. I find it hard, when we met he was healthy and his diagnosis came as a shock. I am in my early 40s and his carer now. She has seen him get taken to hospital many times, fall frequently and hurt himself, dealt with hurtful comments at school about him. She gets upset that he can't do things her friends dad's do with them. I know in her immature mind she doesn't understand marriage, and that she thinks she is protecting her dad from any heartbreak. I don't know what to do to help her, I wondered if talking to someone about having a parent who's ill may help? Any suggestions would be very welcome, because its taking over our lives. X

This is an expression of her worry.

obviously her real concern s that her dad is suffering and that she is worried he will die and she is expressing it in this way.

is she getting any counselling or us there anywhere she could access a space to talk about her concerns?

some schools have young carer groups which are pretty useful in situations like this.

Definitely get her into some therapy. And maybe talk to her school to see if they have any help for young carers.

Having a disabled/ill parent is so hard as a teenager. My dad was very ill for a couple of years before he died, when I was 15. I remember being so embarrassed by him being in a wheelchair, which obviously I feel awful about now.

I freely admit I don't know anyone with ADHD but your dd is being unkind und is lacking empathy. I take it he is her dad, so can't understand why she is not more caring, you don't just dump someone cos they're ill. I'd have words with her and tell her that people are not things that are useful or useless. Maybe it's so overwhelming that she has dissociated. I think she needs expert counselling.

She's not being unkind or uncaring to her dad. The opposite really. She's irrationally worried about her mum leaving her dad because of his illness, and trying to prevent that in her misguided teen way.

She's a struggling teenager with a very ill dad. She doesn't need to be told off.

Not told off but it is important to explain to her that while she may feel worried her father is still an unwell human being that isn't going to be replaced.

editing - bad reading comprehension, I thought dd wants her dm to leave her dad.

in this case, she still needs expert support. So sorry you are going through this.

Perhaps she doesn’t really think you would leave, but there’s a part of her that wishes she could (not leave him, leave the situation), and she hates that, so she projects it onto you, because you are safe. You are a safe person to push all those complicated feelings onto.

Your denials and reassurances then act as a sort of mechanism to self soothe, but only temporarily because it builds up again.

Really it could be anything, but if you can afford a good therapist with experience of ND teens and bereavement, it would be worth it.

I think you should look into therapy for her, this is a difficult situation even for an adult, and her behaviour suggests that she struggles to deal with her feelings, which might well be conflicted.

I think this is part of her adhd - the hyper focus. I think (coming from someone who has a whole family of autism / adhd types!) you need to be much more forceful in shutting this down. The minute she starts up with any of this tell her she’s being ridiculous, you’re not leaving her Dad, you love him and even then leave the room to shut down the conversation if you need to. Ruminating about it and going over and over it with her is just reinforcing the hyper focus and anxiety. At the same time you can tell her you know it’s worrying to see him so unwell and you are always there if she needs to talk about that. I would also try to make sure she has a lot of other stuff going on in her life to try and shift the focus on to that.

I agree, her ND could be making her ruminate and hyper focus on this fear. She's obviously very scared and I imagine her thoughts spiralling. If you find someone else, will she go with you and leave her dad on his own? Will she have to stay and look after dad on her own etc etc. These things obviously aren't going to happen(!), but to her, they're logical, possible outcomes.

Her father was strong, safe and permanent person in her life, and is sadly no longer any of those things. I can imagine it's turned her worldview upside down.

I would urgently get her into therapy, ideally a therapist who works with ND people, and can also offer family therapy.

I'm really sorry you and your family are going through all this OP

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate all advice and kind words. I will definitely contact school and ask about young carers, and look for a therapist that specialises in teens with who are ND. X