8 year old son has anxiety and refusing to to school

[Saralocky28]

Hi all

My DC is 8 and has struggled with anxiety for a long time, usually it's not affected him going to school much but the last few months he's refusing to go to school, pretending he's ill or making himself ill.

We have a SEN lead at school who is trying to help and is arranging some support, I have tried our local authority support but they were pretty useless.

The thing is he's never worried about anything specific, isn't experiencing any bullying, does fairly well academically and has a small group of friends, so I'm struggling to understand why he's so anxious about going in.

Generally he's always been anxious about getting his haircut, going to medical appointments, he struggles to interact with adults or new people, he won't talk to my friends or family members that he may not be familiar with or doctors/dentists. He's quite clingy with me at times and I think because I have took the role of answering for him or explaining for him it's become a bad habit. He's so loving and funny and at home he doesn't stop talking but in school or in unfamiliar situations he's silent.

Basically I'm struggling, I try the good cop / bad cop stuff, I try giving him consequences, giving him love and support and cuddles but nothing works.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose my job as this is happening at least two/three times a month.

Has anyone got any advice or is in a similar situation as I feel quite alone with it all.

Thank you. X

There’s a really good book called Helping Yout Child with Fears and Worries. It’s available on Amazon.

It will be tough but you will need to stop answering for him and protecting him a bit. It’s also not helpful to say he has anxiety unless he has been diagnosed by a professional. He’s a bit worried about new situations and being away from you is a better way to frame it.

Thanks I will look at this. Unfortunately he does have anxiety and as much as I try not to label it as this, it's important he understands what these feelings are and they need to be named, this is also what the counselling practitioners advised.

I 100% am trying to stop the talking for him but often it's not working and he is silent, he's got other things going on too and often we have a lot of medical appointments so I do have to talk for him if he won't. There's also been discussions of selective mutism from his teacher but we are on a waiting list to explore this further.

I just feel quite stuck at the moment and with it now affecting my work I feel 10x more stressed out and I'm not being the best version of myself for him.

I agree he has feeling of anxiety or worry and it’s important to identify the feeling, but not that he HAS Anxiety. So saying “I think you’re feeling a bit anxious about…. Have I got that right?” Is great, getting him to interpret and understand his worry is really important. Labeling him as having Anxiety is not helpful as it a) hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor and b) makes it much harder to try and over come.

It’s really important to try and manage your own stress and anxious feelings as he will pick up on those. You may feel like you are hiding it but kids are very perceptive.

Its great you are going to have some sessions with a practitioner, for his age group it tends to be parent led as you are the expert on him and you will be the person putting things into practice with him.

I agree he has feeling of anxiety or worry and it’s important to identify the feeling, but not that he HAS Anxiety. So saying “I think you’re feeling a bit anxious about…. Have I got that right?” Is great, getting him to interpret and understand his worry is really important. Labeling him as having Anxiety is not helpful as it a) hasn’t been diagnosed by a doctor and b) makes it much harder to try and over come.

It’s really important to try and manage your own stress and anxious feelings as he will pick up on those. You may feel like you are hiding it but kids are very perceptive.

Its great you are going to have some sessions with a practitioner, for his age group it tends to be parent led as you are the expert on him and you will be the person putting things into practice with him.

Just to point out this book isn’t suitable for children who are ND. Just in case this is some thing you’re considering. Selective mutism often occurs in autistic people.

The website Barriers to Learning is good for this and you can ask school to start their ESBNA tool kit.