NC for this cos I want to put details and guess it might be outing if I spoke to a friend in RL. SOrry it's long as well, and maybe I'm worrying over nothing but my gut is telling me I need to do something and I don't know where to start.
DS is 11, in Yr6. He has always liked making things neat, always been strong-willed and clear on what he likes and dislikes. Also for as long as I can remember he's been good at washing his hands in the usual healthy way (before dinner, after toilet etc) as well as liking to wash them whenever he get home from anywhere, which his dad also does so I just chalk itup to them being extra cautious.
He has trouble falling asleep, it can take hours. Like me he seems to have a small 'window' in which he can fall asleep if he's properly relaxed and ready, and if he misses it then he's up for ages. We have a reasonable routine now and it's not too bad at the moment, though he does still need one of us to sit nearby his room so he knows he is not alone as he goes to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if he has mild sensory issues because he really hates certain creams, textures, sensations on his skin. Avoids suncream like the plague to a level which I think is a bit more than his peers - he'll wear a hat, long sleeeve top and stay in shade as much as he can, so I will agree to keep sunscream applications to the minimum possible.
He plays more screen than I would ideally like, I pick my battles and also have other things to balance which mean I often let him have more time on the pad or watching TV. which is possibly for another thread but just adding it in case it triggers any thoughts for people who are kind enough to read.
He's imaginative and impuslive, loves something new or a new hobby but discards them easily and finds it hard to 'stick' at things. Does well at school and has a good group of friends, but complains about going to school as it's 'boring'.
Recently - like the last few months - I feel like his focus on being clean is becoming problematic. He tends towards dry skin and exczema anyway, but is washing his hands so much they crack etc and refuses to let us put cream on them unless it's very bad. He has also begun to sometimes rub them together strongly and when I asked if he was cold he said they felt dirty and this was a way to distract him from the discomfort of it.
The real flash point for me has been his behaviour around bed. He used to (like his siblings) often put on pyjamas a bit early and come down to watch a family TV show together, or talk before bed. Now he refuses to do this, saying he doesn't want to get his pyjamas (and then bed) dirty by sitting on the sofa in them. When I asked why he thinks the sofa is dirty, it's because people sit on it in their outdoor clothes - including him. And once or twice people have been in the living room in outdoor shoes (we are a shoes off house). Shoes I get (though I said I hoover and mop often so the dirt does goe) so I asked why does he think the clothes are dirty? the example he gave is that in his school uniform he has to sit on the hall floor in assembly, and other times people walk on that floor. I suggested he could always change out of uniform when he gets home, but he doesn't want to and seemed happy with just not putting on PJs til bed.That's normal for some people even if different to his past behaviour so I tried to let it go. Then he began to be particular about wearing socks in bed, which he also has to keep in the bed to stop them getting dirty. For full detail he has excema around his toes which we need to put cream on so there is also something around him needing the sock routine to keep that bit bareable I think.
Now he has become worried about our cats getting on his bed - again, I understand this, I don't like them on my bed. We try to keep the door closed but he shares with his younger brother who can forget. So last night a cat came in, woke him up and triggered his anxiousnes about the bed not being clean. He was very wound up, Ihad to go in there and help him rest, and then this morning he was in a foul mood.
I am trying to listen and acknowledge, validate that he's feeling anxious and make adjustments where I can. Eg the last time a cat went on his bed he was so worked up that we changed the sheets even though they had only been on a few days. I don't want to force him to feel uncomfortable, but I worry I'm just going to embed his anxieties. Maybe he is just a bit more focused on cleaness than me, and trying to wrest back control in a cluttery house where he shares a room? (we are saving to create an extra room in attic for him or his sibling).
Today I was trying to talk to him about some of the things I do to manage my own anxiety - reframing my thoughts, reminding myself that my thoughts are not always the truth etc. I'm not sure anything helped - when I spoke about trying to change how he feels about the bed he said he can't, it's too hard.
I'm wondering if it's worth trying to get some outside help - we could pay for a private therapist, and my husband has health insurance. Maybe it's puberty, maybe it's the fact that he will soon be going to secondary school (he had to sit a few exams last term becuase a few schools near us have banding tests). Maybe it's nothing? Maybe it's all pointing to something that I can help him with - I do wonder if he has ADHD in some form but then I think it's just me trying to find an answer.
I was going to message the GP today, but I know how overwhelmed the whole system is and am not sure it's worth it.
I would really love any advice or perspectives.