12 year old being emotionally manipulated by friend

[EagleGreen]

I’m hoping for some advice regarding a friendship situation for my 12 yo ds. He has been friends with another boy for years and would probably consider him his best friend. I am also friends with this boys mother.

This boy has had quite a few issues over the years and is currently undergoing testing for adhd. He is a nice kid but as a result can be emotionally volatile and a bit of a handful. He has been self harming for quite a while. DS is a bit of a people pleaser and has been happy until now to just go along with things to keep the peace. Over the last few months however, he has come home from school very drained and wanting to be left alone. He did say that this boy has been quite draining and we encouraged him to talk about it but it seemed like normal friendships at this age. We put it down to his age and coming towards the end of term. One thing he has mentioned is that this child doesn’t know when to stop and has to be told multiple times to stop and then there is a 50/50 chance he will listen. We’ve just had a long car journey together where we had quite a deep conversation about friendships and I have found out that there have been quite a few occasions where my son has asked him to stop teasing or mucking around multiple times and he doesn’t listen which my son then raises his voice. This causes the child to get very moody and take himself off on his own and self harm and won’t stop until my son apologises.

DS admits that raising his voice isn’t an ideal way to deal but doesn’t know what else to do because telling him to stop doesn’t work and if he walks away, this child will follow him. He feels this is his only option. The school have told my son not to raise his voice but have not offered any other solutions. I know there are a lot of factors at play here but I can’t help but feel that my son is being emotionally blackmailed and that he is 12 and should not have to deal with stuff like this.

This is a very long post I realise but if anyone is still here, do you have any advice how I can help my son?

Well obviously the poor kid needs help urgently for his self harming. But I guess that's for his family to navigate.

Unfortunately there isn't really much you can do. Other than explain to your son that it is manipulative to behave in this way and his friend is very unwell. And if he doesn't want to be friends anymore then he doesn't have to.

At secondary school parents can't really get that deeply involved in the navigation of kids relationships. Other than being supportive.

The school have told my son not to raise his voice but have not offered any other solutions.
thats their solution when they know what’s going on? That’s awful.
your ds is NOT this boy’s support human.

That is how I feel. I obviously feel awful for this other boy and his family are aware of the self harming in other situations and are attempting to deal with it but obviously this takes time.

i understand this boy needs support from the school but also feel that my child deserves some too in this instance. He shouldn’t be expected to forgo his own boundaries for the comfort of others.

This is the problem. I feel a bit helpless and understand he needs to navigate this himself but it’s a difficult situation for an adult to navigate, let alone a 12 year old!

Yeah, you're not wrong. It's really sad that the kid has so many problems. As long as you reassure your son it's not his fault if his friend is sad and if he's not being kind then it's best to keep your distance.

I presume your son has plenty of other friends? Maybe just saying things like 'oh, I wonder what Jimmy is up to, you liked going swimming with him didn't you? You could ask him again?' to try and encourage strong friendships with others.

But ultimately it is for him to decide who to be friends with.

Speaking as a Y7 form tutor, in our school we would want to make a note of all this and could arrange for classes to be discreetly reseated to minimise contact between the children where there is a problematic relationship (even if just one family requests it). We would want the extra context on the friend, too. All this can be taken into account and recorded in confidence, and support put in place if needed. I would draft an email for the New Year (maybe save it and redraft later) explaining the wellbeing concern succinctly and asking for a follow-up conversation with Head of Year or similar, or at least a written acknowledgement and an action. I hope they can provide some understanding.

Otherwise, coaching for your son to feel confident walking away and activities that support forming a new network if possible. Hoping he can give himself space as the emotional entanglement can be a lot.

I think yours probably needs to back away a bit. It sounds like hes finding the friend too much , the friend maybe cant change maybe wont. As hes choosing to take it as an attack.
its unlikely hes doing it for attention hes just frustrated that he cant be himself and if undiagnosed then unmediated. They can struggle a lot with anxiety depression and rejection.

My ds has adhd and it took years on nhs for diagnosis.
But we almost have the reverse issue where the friend is unstable and dramatic and causing issues intentionally in the friendship group, always wants attention on them. This has contributed to my dc having low MH.
in a way like this boy they do something wrong but then force others to apologise.

Luckily with ours the friendship has cooled.
As effectively mine was being bullied (couldnt talk to other kids even).

Overall our primary was rubbish on friendships etc. and secondary schools there is little supervision at breaks.
and that includes to SN kids.

In your situation the teachers need to be intervening when they realise your son is finding it too much and point it out to the other kid. ‘Hes asking you to stop’ obviously you dont have to do as he says but you can see he is frustrated, do something else or you of he move elsewhere etc.

We had the other kid coming in at breaks and ranting at the 2 they were annoyed at.

I mean surely the kid’s behaviour is similar at home is he reacting with threats/actual self harm every time he is told to stop something? And making his parents apologise?
Problem is your son seeming to overreact is making the other boy into the victim. Which isnt helpful to either of them as yours probably has valid dislike of the behaviour and for the other boy it may be leading to increasing manipulation or MH issues

Thank you for all your replies. For context, he is fairly similar at home but will not self harm at home in these instances, he tends to react by smashing things.

The main difficulty ds is having is that he will ask him to stop (he taunts a lot which is banter in small doses but tends to take it too far) and when he doesn’t, my son’s first instinct is to remove himself but this child follows him and carries on. That is when my son snaps which he knows then makes him the bad guy thus making the other child a victim and the original behaviour then doesn’t get noted or dealt with as the main focus is then on the reaction.

He tried to have a few lunchtimes on his own as he doesn’t have other friends but they’re all the same friendship group and he doesn’t want to divide it or take friends away from this other boy, he would rather just be on his own. He told this boy he was going to spend some time on his own and wanted to be left alone and this boy rallied the friendship group to go and find him. He knows that the other boy was thinking he was being a good friend and that he thought my son was sad but all he wanted was to be alone and couldn’t. This has happened several times and he has reiterated that he’s not sad, he’s not angry with anyone, he’s just needs some time to chill on his own and this other boy obviously doesn’t understand the concept.

think I will write an email to the school and speak with the head of year. I don’t want anyone to get in trouble but I want to make sure that my son is getting the support he needs.

Thank you everyone

Sorry, typo. Meant to say he does have other friends but they’re all in the same friendship group

Fingers crossed for speaking with school. I'd also reassure your DS it's normal and healthy to have boundaries and that everyone has their limits, and it's normal to feel irritated if people cross them repeatedly. He's doing amazingly being able to explain how he is feeling.

Honestly, he's 12 and he cannot navigate another child's mental illness by himself. I would be stepping in and I would be insisting the school steps in.
Your son (and the other child) needs protecting with a safe and supervised space at lunchtime.

Ask the school for suggestions of what your son can do at lunchtime. Is there a club he can go to, for example. Then he will be with others, and whether the friend is there or not, he’ll be busy, and also have supervision and support. He can’t just take himself off, as that is clearly not working, and also is a bit grim. The school’s primary responsibility is to keep all students physically and mentally safe, so they need to be helping with this. Ask to meet with his year head in January, and if they can’t help, ask for support from whoever is head of pastoral. Follow up any meeting w an email.

That's too much for a 12 yr old to handle, its too much for most adults tbh. I think you've done the right thing by creating space for him to talk, that's a lot more than some 12 yr old boys are able to do, so amazing job there. I think reassuring him that his friends SH is absolutely not his responsibility and that this is manipulative is also really good for him to hear. I would encourage him to build friends outside the group, maybe through a lesson or through a club or hobby, is there anyone else he gets on with or has anything in common with, are there lunchtime sports clubs or hobby clubs he can join or afterschool clubs to help broaden his circle (even without this issue, its good for kids to have social options). Speak to school about the other child and supporting your son building other friendships and see what they can do, ultimately it verges on bullying if he wont leave your son alone and they should be able to put some things discreetly in place and also they should be well aware of the challenges the other child is facing. Keep communication open with your son, reassure him this isn't his fault, and give him space to share any issues. You could also give him some info on adhd and the types of behaviours that can come from that, as it might help him understand his friend a little more (whilst also reinforcing it's not an excuse for this behaviour)

Yes.

The friendship with that friend has to stop immediately. Your friendship with the mom has to stop too.

You need to move your son into another school.

I could have written this !! My son has had a friend all through primary school and now in their second year at high school. Regularly in primary school when the friend was having one of his tantrums and removed from class my son would be asked to go and sit with this boy to help calm him down which I was so angry about as then my son was missing class time and as much as yes this boy needs a friend it cant all lie on my son. Now in high school a few weeks ago my son lost it and stabbed him in the hand with a pencil when I got the call from the school I was so embarrassed, so apologetic and was so angry at my son. I bumped in to the mum at primary school as our younger kids are also in the same class and profusely apologised and told her there would be consequences for my son's behaviour, she wasnt bothered in the slightest as she said thats the kind of thing her boys do all the time well its not the way I have raised my kids to be.
Anyway after a talk with my son he just said he lost it, he was so sick of dealing with this boys tantrums all the time they are both now 13 and my sons words were he can control it when he wants to and my son did lose screen time etc but we didnt go as hard on him as we planned because I don't condone violence in the slightest but there is only so much a child can take before they react and the school does f all about it. I have not said much to the school but I plan to at parents night.
I hope your son is doing ok. Its a lot for them and Im sorry I dont have any great solutions for you but just know you are not alone.

Contact the school. They can look at classes being reseated or in some situations moving pupils to different classes.

This situation is NOT your son’s to deal with. I agree with another poster. Your son needs to detach himself from this friendship. Have you spoken to the other mother about this?