Phone addiction and mental health/anger

[RJmum26]

Hi
My daughter is 11 and has a phone addiction. I have tried everything- screen time, redirecting attention, getting her involved in cooking dinner, watching films, one on one time, phone removal, setting expectations together, the whole lot!

Last week, I gave her a ‘trial period’ of no screen time as she was pleading to be trusted. As expected, she sat on her phone till 11:30pm and couldn’t get up in the morning, didn’t get showered or homework done etc. so screen time goes back on. She completely blew up, told me she hates me, I’m ruining her life, I shouldn’t have children, I’m the reason she is bullied (because other kids laugh at her screen time), she even ran away. I was seconds from calling the police to report her as missing when my father managed to find her. She refused to come in the house and had to sleep at my parents. Her behaviour is awful and I’m scared of what she will do next.

Hormones are coming into play I know and I have queried ASC/ADHD but her behaviour is only like this at home.

I am her punching bag and with another child to deal with I have relented and taken screen time off just so my daughter doesn’t have to witness her screaming and swearing.
Her step dad (who raised her since 3yo) is struggling, she refuses to talk to him, they clash often and he can not help with the phone as it makes it a million times worse.

I do not know where to go next. She’s had help from MHST and COMPASS in school but it’s not worked. She won’t discuss the phone or her usage-she literally says ‘no’ and will put her hands over her ears.

Any advice?

What's the pathway for referral where you are for ASC/ADHD? I would look into this urgently.

Her behaviour doesn't need to be the exact same in every environment, they just need to see impairment/impacts of the difficulties in multiple environments, which you detail here - difficulties with homework, bullying at school, enough issues at school to be offered help there.

What are school doing about the bullying? She is certainly not the only 11yo with screen time limits on her phone. Plenty of 11yos won't even have access to a smartphone.

What does she do on the phone - gaming? Social media? Videos? I understand that gaming disorder can be treated on the NHS but social media addiction or phone addiction generally is not officially recognised.

What if you just took it away entirely - have you ever tried this? Could grandparents help out by taking the other child if the home environment becomes unsafe?

She's proven time and time again that she can't be trusted with regulating her emotions around phone usage, she's had plenty of chances. In my house the phone would be put away permanently or sold or whatever. I had a foster daughter who was 10 and loved make-up, was obsessed with it but she couldn't be trusted to use it without causing destruction to carpets, bedding, furniture, we set rules/boundaries/times/areas of the house etc but she still continued to ruin things with her make up so I removed it permanently and I mean a total ban. She also kicked up a huge fuss, screaming, crying, we were the worst foster carers ever etc - tough shit. Your daughter can't follow the rules so take it away. 10yr olds don't need make up and 11yr olds don't need mobile phones. It's nice if they can have them if they can be trusted to use them appropriately but unfortunately some cannot.

You need to stay firm and consistent OP. It's not reasonable for her to not do her homework, not shower and go to bed at 11.30pm, and she needs to understand that if she behaves like that, the screen time limits go straight back on. What limits have you set - how long per day?

You are the parent. You need to parent this child and take the phone away from her and spend time with her to distract her although I can see that you’ve tried that. But really the only was is to completely remove the phone. Tough if she has tantrums. She’ll get over it.

They are addictive by design. We wouldn't limit a child's access to cigarettes and then expect the child to self regulate how many they want to smoke. Not all children (or adults) can cope with the behaviourial nudges & tricks devised by the greatest minds at the greatest universities in the world (Google BJ Fogg - so many Silicon Valley tech bros did this man's tech/behavioural course that he was called the billionaire maker). Our kids are powerless against them.

I’m also curious what she’s doing on her phone. Do you check each night to see what she’s been looking at / talking to? In addition to the screen time limits, so you have limits on the apps and websites she can access? This would be a non-negotiable for me as it’s a basic safety precaution. I’m my view, at 11, they shouldn’t have privacy or unfettered access to the internet. My son is also ‘the only one’ to have limits and finds this embarrassing. But close friends of ours lost a DC to suicide when they were targeted by an online scammer. A primary school aged girl in our area was coerced into sending nude pics of herself to an online predator. I make no apologies whatsoever for looking at all of my DC’s online activity. There’s something about your daughter’s online life she can’t comfortably be without and I think you need to understand what that is.

OP, she’s only 11. My 16 year old can’t access his phone after 9.30pm and my 14 year old can’t access hers after 9pm. That’s life, I don’t care if they complain about it

I don't understand why you're not standing firm on the phone really

My child has time limits on her phone and it goes off at a certain time etc and has no wotsapp or social media etc etc. Mine is 12

At the age of the 11 she should not have that much freedom on a phone. My 13 year old has screen time restrictions on his and it completely shuts off at 9pm. It is non negotiable. You need to hold firm. She has learnt that screaming is very effective and gets her the phone back. So she’ll just keep doing it.

with her being this extreme, I would completely take the phone away. She is not coping with it and is addicted to it so as the parent you need to remove it. Let her scream if she likes. Do not give it back- she’s 11 and she doesn’t need a phone.

OP put family link on the phone and time limits. Lock it down between certain times and give her x amount of time per day. She is getting a dopamine hit from it and craving it.

No way should an 11 year old have access to her phone at 11.30pm at night and if she does its because she is allowed to. I work in education and can tell you within minutes of meeting pupils which ones sit up on technology for hours. They are exhausted mentally and physically. They struggle to focus and struggle to learn. My nearly 14 year old ASD/ADHD child gets taken off his phone at 9.30pm on a school night. Its not negotiable I am the parent.