Caring for granddaughter

[Kazzatron]

My 15 yr old autistic granddaughter been living with me for 3 yrs , she didn’t get on with her new stepdad , she made accusations against him and my daughter said she can live with me , which at the time was mutual between all of us . My granddaughter now wants to go home to be with her mum , but my daughter thinks she’s better off with me as my daughter can’t handle her due to her own mental health. She has another daughter at home and two step children who stays every other weekend . The problem is my granddaughter has become very bitter towards me and very disrespectful because her mum said she can’t go back home . My husband has just been diagnosed with cancer and it’s all becoming very overwhelming I can’t make my daughter see the impact it is having on us

@Kazzatron You say "The problem is my granddaughter has become very bitter towards me and very disrespectful because her mum said she can’t go back home".

To me, it looks like the problem is your adult daughter's apparent incapacity to parent her (autistic) child.

None of this is your granddaughter's fault or responsibility.

You and your daughter, as adults, need to work this out together and make the child the priority.

Maybe tell your daughter her child is coming to stay with her. Start with a weekend then go from there. Dint give her the chance to say no.

Your granddaughter is just being your average teenager! But time her mum stepped up and stopped using mental health as an excuse. God luck to your husband. Hope its ok

Thank you , but I have already asked this of her and she said she needs to have counselling first which doesn’t start until after Xmas

It's very usual for children in these situations to feel kidnapped and resentful because the grownups aren't honest enough about the situation. It's also unusual for adults to need counselling or therapy in isolation, so I would be reflecting on your relationship with your daughter... why can't she parent her daughter?

I work with grandparents who superhero save grandkids of mentally unwell children with no acknowledgement of the impact of their parenting. Before pointing the finger at your daughter, make sure you have ruled out your own potential impact on the situation.

This sounds incredibly overwhelming, and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with so much at once. You stepped in out of love, but your granddaughter’s anger is likely coming from feeling stuck and unheard, not from you. With your husband’s cancer and your own limits, it’s reasonable to say this situation isn’t sustainable anymore.

I think that you need to urgently review the “made accusations” which you refer to in your post. Has your granddaughter had therapy?

An alternative reading of this is that mum agreed to let your granddaughter live with you to protect her because she believes the accusation to be true but doesn’t want to split up her relationship or can’t face them. She is worried about them reoccurring if daughter comes home and she needs counselling to help her decide.

Is it possible for your daughter to spend more time with granddaughter at yours? That might help with the behaviour without the risk?

What age is the other daughter?

Are the accusations your granddaughter made true?