DP disagree over DD anxiety and mental health worries, don’t know what to do.

[Fluffypoodle]

My DD has struggled with friendships and pretty bad anxiety since starting secondary. We hoped things would improve as she got older and she would learn to find her way, but it’s just not happening. She’s recently started a new school and she’s struggling just the same, lack of friendships, not wanting to join in with activities, tearful before and after school. I’ve raised with the school and they’ve suggested she ‘reach out to peers to talk about homework’ - easier said than done when you’re anxious right? They’ve tried to get her involved in some activities, but that’s somehow made it worse.

On top of this, I thought DP was on board with getting support from the school, but he’s now accusing me of being too soft! He says that we need to be much tougher with her and force her to do things she doesn’t want to do. We’re talking about a child who will get so anxious about a situation that she makes herself ill - headaches, vomiting etc.

I just don’t know how to tackle this anymore. Am I being too soft? Should I force her to take the part in things she doesn’t want to do?

Do you have private health insurance or could you consider probate healthcare for her? Calms and all other services are totally overwhelmed. 5yr waiting lists for ADHD and ASS assessments. She will
also age out of Cahms anyway.

Though the way you describe her I thought you were talking about a Yr 8 or 9 child - this seems like more than anxiety with some of the descriptions you’ve given

It's going to be hard to really hear, believe and accept this..... school will do the absolute minimum ( they're low on resource and empathy these days with lots of masking undiagnosed ND kids struggling in mainstream imo)

CAMHS have an appalling reputation in this situation so many of us are in. I have not gone near them since a request for Autism and ADHD assessment was totally rejected. ( My child is very obviously ND!)

You will wait and wait, you will likely face medical gaslighting ( parental blame, denial, 'how about this parenting class via zoom 'nonsense).

Do what you can to get the money together. I had to access loans which was really infuriating but what choice was there. This is the truth of how it is unfortunately in the system we have.

You can go sort an assessment without asking anyone, waiting to see if they will fob you off, gaslight you etc. Your daughter will show her true self ( ND) without even knowing it if she's in front of a good, fully certified professional assessor that you can find yourself 🙏

It’s so helpful to hear everyone’s experiences. I think you’re right with the hormones! I have also wondered if the problems could be linked to PMDD and I’ve read that anxiety is one of the symptoms of that too. The doctor put her on the pill just before her exams and that marginally improved things but not completely.

Pmdd is often linked to ADHD

Your husband is being very unreasonable.

You can’t always just power through - if she broke her leg he wouldn’t tell her to walk on it.

Does she dislike the school environment in general or do you think it’s that particular school? Where did her friends from primary go, could you move her?

My son suffered severe anxiety over secondary school, during the summer we really thought about home schooling. We were lucky though that he was going with friends from primary.

Was your daughter on board with wanting help with counselling or the Autism assessment? Even the prospect of getting help makes her feel anxious, hence why we didn’t reach out earlier in secondary - she was adamant she didn’t want to be labelled as different to her peers

Not wanting to be labelled differently to her peers is a very common reaction. Instead can you talk more positively about public figures “who by the way are adhd or autistic” my dd really liked that Cat in the Traitors was so matter of fact about being Autistic and adhd & explained how it impacted her social confidence. Many more people in public life are talking openly about the struggles but also the benefits of understanding yourself better to then work out how to manage your feelings & struggles . It’s easy for teens to catastrophe intensely how they feel right now is forever, when struggling, but we’ve tried to build baby steps in trying things and talked openly that how you learn & build confidence is by failing at things too. Plus both my teens have an app to track their period & feelings which helps to recognise when the low feelings are more intense & it’s ok to have a low demand day. Exercise has been really beneficial too, even just walking the dog helps.

In many areas CAMHS can be referred to directly by parents. Google CAMHS and your area and self referral. There may also be local charities that offer free or low cost counselling for young people. Many local authorities also have information on their websites about young people's mental health with a list of local resources.
In quite alot of areas CAMHS don't cover neuro-developmental disorders such as ASD or ADHD. This is often through community paediatrics or there may even be a separate service. All NHS services are massively overwhelmed by the number of people wanting referrals for this. Your GP can make a right to choose referral and should be able to advise which private assessments meet NHS criteria which is important in ADHD if you want NHS funded medication at some point.

CAHMS have been great for us, but the initial diagnosis of anxiety (not autism or other neurodivergence) was some years back. It may be area dependent and we were lucky to have a great GP who was able to advocate for us and get my daughter seen by a professional. Like the previous poster, the diagnosis made my daughter feel a lot better as she had answers for why she found things hard that everyone else appeared to find easy.

Girls with ADHD really struggle with puberty and hormones. They are more prone to PMS and PMDD. School becomes too much with everything else they’re dealing with.
Look Into these with the GP
i would be surprised if she didn’t have an underlying issue.

I wish ye the best x

Yes, in fact after months/years of me trying everything to help her, did come to me and said "mum, I think I might be autistic"

Her peers don't need to know, my daughter has only told a handful of close friends but it's been life-changing in terms of her understanding herself.

There are some good books she and I read. A different Sort of Normal was a good one for her and she related to a lot of it. I read girl unmasked which was helpful for me to understand.
There are more but I can't think of them at the moment.
There is also a Facebook page called Autistic Girls Network which has parents in similar situations and is really helpful.

If she is y12 I would go private if you can afford it. Waiting lists are long and she may age out before you get anywhere helpful.