DP disagree over DD anxiety and mental health worries, don’t know what to do.

[Fluffypoodle]

My DD has struggled with friendships and pretty bad anxiety since starting secondary. We hoped things would improve as she got older and she would learn to find her way, but it’s just not happening. She’s recently started a new school and she’s struggling just the same, lack of friendships, not wanting to join in with activities, tearful before and after school. I’ve raised with the school and they’ve suggested she ‘reach out to peers to talk about homework’ - easier said than done when you’re anxious right? They’ve tried to get her involved in some activities, but that’s somehow made it worse.

On top of this, I thought DP was on board with getting support from the school, but he’s now accusing me of being too soft! He says that we need to be much tougher with her and force her to do things she doesn’t want to do. We’re talking about a child who will get so anxious about a situation that she makes herself ill - headaches, vomiting etc.

I just don’t know how to tackle this anymore. Am I being too soft? Should I force her to take the part in things she doesn’t want to do?

I have a child with anxiety (well, she is over 18 now but she's still my baby). I would strongly advise you to get her some therapy either via CAMHS or privately. I don't think forcing your daughter to do things will help. What might help is giving her control over what she does or doesn't do and talking her through any new activity to help her feel more confident about it.

Definitely talk to school properly and find out if there is help available there for her. Also contact your GP to talk about what is going on and see what might be available in your area.

It appears this is much more common with Neurodivergent kids. School is understandably really difficult.

I would really look into whether there are any signs she is ND in your opinion. Look online and research it. Once you feel confident you can then handle your husband. An assessment and diagnosis would help with accessing better support in school.

Is she getting any outside help ? You know deep down what to do, my dd suffered like yours, it’s awful to watch. I ended up home schooling last 2 years of secondary, took a lot of love and support, but she graduated this year. She is still a little bit fragile, but I do think maybe I look into it to deep.
i think your DH is wrong

what year is she in ? How long standing is this now ?
it doesn’t sound like it is going to resolve itself, and getting tough isn’t going to work is she has an anxiety disorder and if she has no friends, her parents are her only comfort ….
if the parents are giving her a hard time at home and school is hell she will be between a rock and a hard place …. That’s not good
get into problem solving mode
get a therapist
work out what’s triggering the anxiety
out support systems in place
would an after school club - guides ? Help make some friends
careful she doesn’t go into burnout - too much pressure / anxiety / loneliness from peers can equal burnout
ignore your husband - he has not got a clue and is making matters worse

How old is she?
How long has this been going on?
What does she say about it?

Did she manage OK in primary, or has this always been a problem? (I presume that you would have said if it was.) Has she friends from her primary at secondary?

Anxiety is often misdiagnosed as anxiety in girls. When in reality it’s often the first presenting symptom of ND

No I don’t think so either. I have repeatedly tried asking the doctor for support both while she was present and while at my own appointments. The response I got was questioning whether it’s a problem I just perceive is happening, rather than any support.

My gut feel is there probably is more to it than just anxiety and ND is part of it

You should get CAHMS involved. Secondary schools are scary places for children now and plenty in the news to make anyone anxious.

I pushed too hard with DS, didn’t listen and tried to make him do things he didn’t want.

He burnt out, missed a full half term of school - pushed too hard with the return and burnt out and missed another term.

then got proper help and support and worked with the new school to get him ok. He still only does school as a definite and I still let him have 2-3 days a half term off to make sure it doesn’t get too much

so make an appointment with the school what year is she

Shes in Year 12. I would say the anxiety has been present since Year 6 and gradually got worse and worse. She did clubs when she was younger, but doesn’t have any interests now. She is anxious in every situation from small things like she won’t pay for something in a shop, and wouldn’t look up or answer if someone asks her directly what she would like in a restaurant.

This probably sounds ridiculous - but how do I go about getting them involved? Do I need to ask the school?

I was in a similar position with my DD through secondary, GP was supportive but could nothing really,
school pastoral support was good but stretched way too thin to be of any use
Cahms - didn’t meet threshold until in a very dark place and then put on lengthy wait list
the turning point for us was going private - we accessed Psychiatry UK - it saved DD

GP needs to refer -
but beware very long wait lists
and acceptance criteria very tight

Honestly CAMHS were useless for us it depends where you are in the country maybe. My DD has now both a ASD and adhd diagnosis, we had to go private for support after CAMHS rejected us twice as being ND rules you out of getting help.. she’s now taking sertraline privately prescribed and with a big step back in how and when she does things her confidence is very slowly improving and after a very rocky 2 years she’s now choosing to do more things and rebuild her confidence, her anxiety hasn’t “gone away” but she’s learning ways to manage herself. The crucial thing it’s at her pace forcing her to do anything just would not work. Really listen to your daughter & look at her behaviour take things at her pace, but with options so she doesn’t completely lose confidence in herself. Teenage hormones also have a lot to answer for! We did stick to encouraging healthy ways of wellbeing asking her to get fresh air daily and a break from devices as a balance with craft activites etc.

I had almost exactly what you've described with my DD. She'd always been anxious and had subtle friendship issues but in year 8 things really started to get worse and the wheels really fell off. She had counselling twice, organised both privately and through the school but the issues persisted.
I got her assessed for autism by using the Right to Choose system (Google it) as it's much shorter wait times. She was diagnosed earlier this year with Autism.
Since then things have been remarkably better because I think you gave her the answers as to why she felt different, why she couldn't socialise etcetera, etc.
I would strongly recommend that you push for an assessment. CAHMS in my experience weren't any help. Look up right to choose - for us it took less than 8 months from calling the provider to initiate an assessment to diagnosis.

Mine is 19 now. School refusal in 6th form due to burnout.

She was like this. ADHD meds at 17 helped. But it came creeping back. Sertraline has been the real gamechanger. She’s managing local uni now (just). Will go in shops, buy drinks etc.But it’s been slow. But she’s getting there.

fluoxetine accessed under private psychiatry was the game changer for us her -
if we had waited for Cahms, she would not have sat GCSE’s

I wouldn’t hold your breath for Cahms. Mine saw them, got a pretty certificate at the end. They discharged her and she seriously self harmed 3 days later.

Weve paid for everything. Assessments, counselling, medication. She would be still hiding in her bedroom years later without these.

It’s appalling that we’ve had to pay. But when it’s your own child…..

My daughter was the last child who I would have thought was ND - but once she started at high school she sadly fell apart and it was herself that realised she was masking adhd and autism (later diagnosed).
girls do not present in the same way as boys - anxiety is a huge part of things.

You need to go back and not take no for an answer, I'm afraid. Keep going back until someone does something. Can you see a different GP?

Secondary is hell for many ND kids. If they ' mask' like girls do, school might even say ' no problem here' and then all responsibility falls back on you to fix it. Fix it or face punishment for non attendance.

So.....the best thing you can do for your child is see if you can access money for a private assessment for Autism and ADHD. Look for an accredited person who follows ADOS assessment protocol. You don't need to ask anyone else's opinion. You can go sort this out and get her the answers you all need.

It's a very common pattern in these situations I have noticed, where dad's are in denial in these situations. I have noticed a pattern where the father may themselves be ND. I am in this situation. My son now fully diagnosed ( I had to pay). I wouldn't be surprised if I'm ADHD at least also. But, you will have to sort this all out yourself is my gut feeling here. Your husband will double down on the denial I almost guarantee it.

Could you access the money, sort the assessment and then tell him. Kindly tell him it's happening, not ask him. Tell him?

Secondary is falling apart in our situation and the only thing keeping the wolf from the door in my situation is the proof my child is Autistic and ADHD.

It might be different where you are but look up ‘single point of access’ as I was able to self refer my dc to CAMHS and got seen very quickly tbf.

How is her diet?
Has she been checked for anemia (low iron) and vit d levels. These can cause anxiety.